Changes in Attitudes

Has anyone else experienced scorn from co-workers etc after losing weight? I have kind of a special cir****tance where I was laid off  about a month before my surgery. I went through with it and was able to spend time at home (doing contract work - I do programming) while I lost the bulk of my weight. Then I went back to work in a regular office about 6 months after surgery and found that people treated me like garbage. I have always been treated nicely in the past because that's what I put out. I am helpful, cooperative (almost to a fault) friendly etc. But I found that people were treating me like I had the plague. So I wrote it off as I was working in a toxic environment and just needed to deal with it best I could. Then I was laid off from there. I contracted some more, then found another job in an office, where I am presently working, and find the same thing is happening. I was like a rock star for about 3 months then all of a sudden it was like someone was throwing me under a bus. I got blamed for everything when things went wrong, and am never given credit when I do something outstanding. I am single, have no dependents, so I travel a lot and have weekends to hike, camp, go diving etc. The others are all married, kids, etc and pretty much strapped down and don't have the freedoms I do. On top of it all, I'M HOT!!! (hahaha). But I noticed that all of that was true (except being hot) when I was fat an no one really bothered me. It's confounding and I was wondering how others have noticed their being treated since losing weight??? -=db=-

I posted alot about this awhile back b/c honestly my feelings were very hurt at the time and I just didn't understand why my supposed "friends" were treating me terrible and turning their backs on me. I finally figured out that these people were never really my friends and had some jealousy issues~not even necessarily jealous of my appearance, but jealous of my success. I am not in the working world so this was more like people in PTA at my kids school and the worst one to this day is my sister in law. She's just got issues anyone so I had to quit taking it to heart and just write it off as Kerri's problem and not mine. Anyway, different situation, but its still hurtful.  So, do the people at your  new job know about your wls? What you said may be true that they are just envious of your freedoms in life since they are in a different situation right now. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I guess these issues are just some of the things we have to deal with after having surgery.

I'm lucky, I haven't really lost any friends, but I have gotten a lot more attention from men, and when I mention that I met someone I like, they are quick to point out possible faults and dealbreakers. I can't figure out if it's because if I find someone I won't be as available as the "old reliable" for them, or because they are looking out for me and don't want me to get hurt. Hey, I spent most of my life in a state of hurt being obese! No one at work knows about my WLS. They are toxic enough, if I mentioned that it would be all about what a big fat loser I am that I couldn't lose weight "on my own". They are extremely judgmental and it would make matters worse, believe me. Besides, it isn't any of their beeswax! -=db=-

DB, I'm so sorry you are facing this from your co-workers. I had a similiar situation..but not at work..iv'e been very lucky with supportive co-workers and had only 1 or 2 bad apples (One woman burst into tears when she saw me 3 weeks after surgery.. she said she was so jealous because I was able to do the "easy thing"... yeah..she is NOT a friend..and had no concept of what i continue to go through.) Anyhow, I just had drinks with my best friend of 9 years 3 weeks ago. Never in our entire friendship did she treat me like I was fat, or unattracive or less than her. Now, all of a sudden after a few drinks the lid popped off pandora's box and a whole slew of things came out. She told me the always liked hanging out with me because I made her look small (she's like 5' 4" and usually aroudn 135-145lbs..but quit smoking 8mo. a year ago and is now 160). She said even when had sporadic weight gains, she was content to know that I was always going to be bigger than her. Now she says.. its different because I'm much skinnier than her (I also have like 3 inches on her in height, but she forgets that) and she doesn't even want to go to the gym w/ me anymore (she was my gym buddy for months) because guys look at me instead of her. Now, in all the time I knew this friend..I never once thought her to be concerned about her looks, or attention from men..so I was very surprised to hear this. I just sat quietly and let her talk. She has a new plus sized friend who she said "is just not the same as you were because she's not as bubbly and hyper as you always were". She said although I'm the same person inside..its hard for her to feel tjat "connection" because she can't physically see me the way I was...which was essentially..her "token fat friend".... yeah...try that one on for size, it hurt pretty bad to hear that.. and then the next morning, she proceeded to feign that she "blacked out and didn't remember anything"...yeah, she did not have that much to drink, and I'm a total lightweight now, so If I remember it... I know she wasn't too drunk to forget it... She was my absolutely best friend...but now I have to find a new best friend. Its so sad..but would I go back and decide to not have the surgery because I lost her?? Heck no!!! those are her issues, not mine and I'm flipping happy..and I'll continue to stay skinny and healthy and I'll never again be anyone's "token fat friend"..but it does open one's eyes to who your real friends are who they aren't.  I am a little surprised at which friends I've kept and which one's I've lost Jealousy is an ugly animal and it turns people ugly.. its sad.. but I hope things get better for you at work. jess

That is very interesting. She needed you because of her poor self-image. Sometime I feel that way, that the only reason some of these girlfriends hang out with me is because I am the fat friend who makes them look better. They know I'll always be there to hold their purse while they go dance. Now that I'm back up to 206lbs (rrrrr!!!!) I feel like the fat friend again. No threat here, I am way too fat and unattractive. I've decided to stop shrinking socially though. The one woman at work who's given me the hardest time, she's insecure, clueless and bossy. She's always trying to make me look bad and I think she's the one throwing me under the bus because like I said, up until I was working there for about 3 months I was a rock star, then I started becoming the "Gilligan" for some reason and I noticed she started getting bossier and brown-nosier. She has a very strong personality and no one stands up to her. I started standing up to her and she backs down now. If they feel threatened by me when I'm playing nice, just let them see me in full powerhouse force. If they want a fight, they will get one. I will win. Why? Because I am smart, fair and logical. In meetings I will challenge her on issues I feel differently about, and I will point out when she's absolutely correct. Whereas she is always trying to crush my ideas, no matter what they are. Also, I am a graduate level psych student and I can f*** up their sh** in ways they would never see coming. But I chose to use my powers for good, not evil (haha). We have new management from a year ago as well and I get along much better with the new director than the old one. She was a total jealous harpy and would make my life hell. The new guy is a smart, confident (total hunk, but married) self-made millionaire and doesn't need to make others little to feel big. We love him. -=db=-

Wow Jess, that must have really hurt to hear that. I think that's part of the problem with my sil too~she's about a size 14 so I was always the "heavy" one. As soon as I got into a smaller pants size than her things got really ugly between us. We still do not speak to this day (unless we absolutely have too). It makes it hard b/c its my husband's brother's wife, we have kids the same age that go to the same school. Although, she's never come right out and said it to me, but everyone around me knows its true. She just told everyone "how much I changed"~Yeah, I'm more assertive now and don't put up with your crap!!!!! In fact, just saw her last night at open house and she was a total "B" to me~oh well, her loss I suppose.

Yes, I can totally relate to the SIL issues. My husbands sister (she's about 18 years older than him) used to be totally nice to me, and since I got smaller than her...its been one "anorexic" comment after another and how "unhealthy" I look and "don't you have a lot of hanging skin? I guess you'll never be able to wear tank tops again". (once she said this when I was in a tank top.. and when I asked her what she meant she grabbed some of my loose skin and said.."well, you can see your stretch marks and your arms look like an old woman").. She's not a nice person at all. She's recently taken to leaving anytime I come aroudn, which suits me just fine. She was one of those skinny people who could eat and drink what they wanted and never gain weight. From day 1 that she found out that I was having this surgery she attempted to tell me every horror story she had ever heard about people who have had this surgery, and tried to get my husband to talk me out of it. Now she resorts to cracks about my health and cracks to my husband that "now she's gonna go out and find her a hunk because she's such a hottie."... She really is without any real class, its very sad. I am just thankful that I do not have to encounter her very often. All in all though, I think I've been very lucky with support and good wishes from my true friends and family. Its just sad that we get so good at knowing which people are supportive of WLS and which are not. Typically, the people in my experience that are "against" WLS are people that never had a weight problem. Even my friend from highschool who struggled with her weight until Freshman year adn then became uber-athletic and super healthy (she's an acupuncturist/doctor of oriental medicine)..she was not "against" it, and has been a source of constant support to me. Now, that is a true friend. I did something that is in opposition of everything she practices and knows..and she still understood that I had to make this decision and that all I needed from her was support and advice and love. And she's been great at it. She was my best friend from Elementary school, and we are once again growing closer so this surgery has closed some unexpected doors, and then re-opened others I never thought would be re-opened. As I've always said..it is single handedly the very best decision I ever made for myself. :)

I get scorn from co-workers and from some old friends. I was always the fattest everywhere I went, and made everybody else feel better. Now I hear second-hand stories about how I've aged and have lots of extra skin. You know what else makes me mad? Some people actually treat me better. I get the door held open for me, whereas when I was MO people would just about slam it in my face. I know the world's an unfair place, but I'm the same woman, and shouldn't be thought of any differently since I've lost some weight.

Okay, I'm going to throw a monkey wrench in this.  What if the issue isn't your weight at all?  The other common factor in your story is that in both situations you were laid off, did contract work, and then were rehired.  Are there others who were laid off and didn't do so well or weren't rehired?  Sometimes it only takes one person--who was the friend of the alpha personality--who wasn't rehired.  Or because you were rehired, another friend didn't get the job.  Or maybe you are so good at your job that you are seen as a threat?   I know that after years of weight discrimination and my own insecurities, it is easy for me to assume that problems with people are somehow linked to my weight.  Could it be that isn't the issue now? Good luck, Sally

Very interesting points! I am very good at my job but was never treated like a threat before, wherever I worked. i am in IT, a very volatile industry where you have to stay on top of your game, and I do. I think that is part of it and now that i am more confident about my personal appearance and not trying to hide all the time, I am even more threatening. It blows my mind as it is not my intention to be intimidating. -=db=-