Part of my Problem

I think I figured out part of my  "mental" problem today. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do it perfect then I am not happy. I leave no margin of error~it must be perfect! So, I was sitting on the beach today in shorts and a tshirt b/c of course I would never be comfortable in a swimsuit. I was watching a few families that were having fun in the water, just enjoying the day. I was enjoying myself too sitting next to dh and watching my boys play in the sand. I took note that a few ladies that  were probably my per surgery weight were fine walking around in their swimsuits~they seemed comfortable and confident~2 things that I could never be in a swimsuit at any weight. And then  it hit me~I can never be those things b/c I do not feel like I will ever be "perfect" enough. No matter what my weight I am very rarely happy about it~although there have been a few times along the way that I have been thrilled, but the thrill soon wears off. I put such pressure on myself and I don't know why???? I think things in my head like "ok, I've been in the 150's for awhile now, should I try to drop down to the 140's?" But why??? Would I feel better? Look better? accept myself more? No, probably not. I would be happy there for awhile, but it too would be short lived and then I would be off  to my next nearly unattainable goal to challenge myself~my perfection.  Ahhhh, its SO frustrating, but I can't control it. Its kind of like my OCD~I realize some of the things that I think and do are not reality based, they are OCD based, but I can't control them or make them stop. Its nothing bad, but just the little things that can tend to drive you crazy day to day.  So, just when I think I have "taken control" of my weight, my health and my life I still get that I am just as much out of control as I was at 328lbs. I remember always thinking that if I could ever weigh less than 200lbs again all would be right with the world~of course that was never enough.  Perfectionism~is it a blessing or a curse?? I'm not sure, but I do know that I need to continue with my therapy to try to get a grip on it before it consumes me. And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy and upbeat most days. I don't wallow in self pity or  deal with overwhelming depression. I know that this is a part of my genetic makeup, something that was born into my personality. I just need to figure out how to handle it so that I can be that comfortable, confident woman on the beach at any weight! Thanks for listening to me ramble............I appreciate it!

Tracy, I can relate to what you are expressing. If you can ever find a way to be like that woman on the beach, please share it with the rest of us. I go to the beach in below the knee pants and a three quarter sleeve shirt. Sher

Sher, if I ever figure it out I'll be SURE to let ya know!!!!! Thanks for the reply and have a great day!

Yep, think you have hit in on the head for me too. I was so 'GOOD" when I was looseing till I got to goal. I was totally thrilled seeing the lbs and fat melt away. To just get into a size 8 jeans was a miricle for me. I was so thrilled..I reached 139 that was my lowest weight...it took me 18 months. Now i am 3 yrs out ...cant afford plastics...and have hanging skin BAD from every part of my body. I cant even wear a dress my calfs have sags and lets not talk about thighs...bathing suit??? No Way  3/4 inch sleeve shirts and jeans is all i can wear. I'm still pleased but I am finding myself gaining my weight back....im up to 156....and not happy. I am  slipping back to the old eating habits because i feel fat with the skin hanging....yeah i know its not rational. But...guess I'm not rational where food is concerned and feeding what I cant change no matter how much I loose. I don't want to gain all these lbs back but cant get going on leaveing bad foods out....and to think its all because i feel FAT!so i get fatter? dumb or what? Well I know I CAN do it and enjoy being in those 8 jeans again....I am refuseing to buy any bigger than a 10 so I will be stuffed and unhappy till I loose. Sorry I vented on you post but...you sound rational to me : ) I completly understand. Cha

I know you'll make it back into those size 8's comfortably! Shedding those old habits is so difficult~I can do so well for awhile, but then I seem to hit a snag where I revert to my old behaviors for a little while. thankfully somehow I get back to being good again. Its a never ending cycle it seems!

I'm right there with you on thinking that it can always be better.  Nothing is ever good enough.  I need to do a little bit more.  It never ends.

I agree~it seems like nothing is ever good enough. Why can't we just be happy with where we are? Well, at least I know I'm not alone! Have a great day!

I can totally relate to what you are saying. It's like we'll never be satisfied with who we are. I think this goes well beyond weight and health. These are mental issues that we have with ourselves (probably the reason we got so heavy in the first place). That's why I host a support group once a month in my house - we try to deal with and work on head issues as well as physical issues.

I wish I knew the answer to being happy with ourselves, but it alludes me too!!

Heather

That's cool that you do a support group  meeting at your house. I still go to our monthly meeting, but sometimes its good and other times it seems to get side tracked onto preop issues even though its a post op meeting. If your group comes up with any good thoughts or ideas on this can you please let me know????

If we come up with anything, I will certainly share here. We may try to talk about it in September. We don't have the problem of getting sidetracked because we have a lot of time. I run the meeting from 1 until 5 and we are open to pre-op and post-op and there is always plenty of time to hit on what everyone wants. It's great.

Heather