Part of my Problem
Tracy, I could have written your post. I am also suffering from "perfectionism". I am never happy with how I look. Its nice to know I'm not alone. Like you I have no idea what I can do about it. I've always been envious of folks who can leave the house without makeup, or without having every hair in perfect place. I can't even enjoy a night out without obsessing about my hair or makeup looking bad. I was this way when I was heavy and always thought it was because of my weight..but know now its just me. Who am I trying to impress anyhow? Apparently just myself... and I am one picky little person. :) I think half the battle is accepting that we are this way and trying to live with it. :) Best of luck, and if you figure out the secret, let me know.
Jess
You cracked me up with that one. I guess I am one picky little person to impress too. LOL. I obsess over my outfit, my hair, my makeup, my house. You name it. And it so funny because my sister is totally opposite. She thinks nothing of running to Walmart in her flannel pants with no makeup. Oh, the horror. LOL. I envy her on that one. LOL. Maybe one day I will get there.
Melissa
On August 23, 2007 at 6:46 PM Pacific Time, Tracy B wrote:
I think I figured out part of my "mental" problem today. I am a perfectionist. If I can't do it perfect then I am not happy. I leave no margin of error~it must be perfect!
So, I was sitting on the beach today in shorts and a tshirt b/c of course I would never be comfortable in a swimsuit. I was watching a few families that were having fun in the water, just enjoying the day. I was enjoying myself too sitting next to dh and watching my boys play in the sand. I took note that a few ladies that were probably my per surgery weight were fine walking around in their swimsuits~they seemed comfortable and confident~2 things that I could never be in a swimsuit at any weight. And then it hit me~I can never be those things b/c I do not feel like I will ever be "perfect" enough. No matter what my weight I am very rarely happy about it~although there have been a few times along the way that I have been thrilled, but the thrill soon wears off. I put such pressure on myself and I don't know why???? I think things in my head like "ok, I've been in the 150's for awhile now, should I try to drop down to the 140's?" But why??? Would I feel better? Look better? accept myself more? No, probably not. I would be happy there for awhile, but it too would be short lived and then I would be off to my next nearly unattainable goal to challenge myself~my perfection.
Ahhhh, its SO frustrating, but I can't control it. Its kind of like my OCD~I realize some of the things that I think and do are not reality based, they are OCD based, but I can't control them or make them stop. Its nothing bad, but just the little things that can tend to drive you crazy day to day. So, just when I think I have "taken control" of my weight, my health and my life I still get that I am just as much out of control as I was at 328lbs. I remember always thinking that if I could ever weigh less than 200lbs again all would be right with the world~of course that was never enough.
Perfectionism~is it a blessing or a curse?? I'm not sure, but I do know that I need to continue with my therapy to try to get a grip on it before it consumes me. And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy and upbeat most days. I don't wallow in self pity or deal with overwhelming depression. I know that this is a part of my genetic makeup, something that was born into my personality. I just need to figure out how to handle it so that I can be that comfortable, confident woman on the beach at any weight!
Thanks for listening to me ramble............I appreciate it! Thank you. I do know that in realizing these things I will begin to grow and hopefully in time move past some of this. I just think sometimes going into wls people think "as soon as I lose the weight my life will be perfect", but the ###'s on a scale don't make things perfect or imperfect. I will keep working on it and see what happens~as I always say "I'm still a work in progress" 
Hi Tracy: What is the old saying "you have to be bad to be good". We all try to reach perfection but never quite achieve it. Even the "perfect people" still lack alot. I have found that by reaching my doctor's goal that suddenly I was afraid to go into maintenance. What if I gain weight back? What if I don't lose the last ten pounds to reach my personal goal? What if my arms are not as smooth as the girl's next door? I have found that I sometimes cheat on my diet just so that I can gain a pound or two so that I have a new goal to reach. Does that make sense? I understand your dilema about the beach and the swimsuit. I took my son to a waterpark a couple of weeks ago and was embarassed to be seen in public with flabby arms, and sharpea (sp) thighs but once I saw everybody else I actually felt pretty good about myself. I still hid my thighs in a sarong but the arms were free. So take out your tank top, put it on proudly and go shop! I seen your pictures and you look fabulous!
Darlene
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