Did you REALLY understand...

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? I don't think I did. I was so desperate to live and to live healthier, I do not believe I totally understood or had a concept for THE REST OF MY LIFE, when I signed on the dotted line for RNY.  I knew I'd rather die than remain 388 pounds at 5.5 with diabetes and arthritis at the age of 53.   But now, at 57, still feeling "bad" when I eat almost anything of any substance, and taking tiny bites and chewing like a cow with cud, I NOW KNOW what "the rest of my life" means.  It just amazes me how uninformed I really was.  Yeah, sure I'd do it again, in a heartbeat, as would most of us...but there are days when the rest of my life seems like a long long time, and while it's a worthwhile price to pay for health...it is nonetheless, a price...and I pay it every day.  I pay it or I get sick.  It all comes down to how bad do I want it, right? Thanks for a place to **** and moan..... LOL, J

J, I don't think this is ******g and moaning. I think you hit the nail on the head for a lot of folks. Whenever people make remarks about GBS, or magazines herald folks who "lost 100 pounds without surgery!!!"  I think, "What's so 'easy' about this?" Aside from the first delirious year where weight dropped off (and I felt a bit guilty), there is a price to pay. It comes in the form of drinking a gallon of water, exercising, chewing, as you so brilliantly put it, like a cow chewing cud. Im not sure that I understood the "rest of your life" either. I am still grateful beyond belief but, like you, acutely aware of the price I have paid. I still want the size 12 versus the size 26, though. Have a great day and fell free to p and m whenever! Judi

Thanks Judi, 99.99% of all  days are absolutely stunningly wonderful...but then I try grilled chicken and I hurt for at least 2 hours.  Those are the days I wish I could get ahold of anyone contemplating this surgery and take them by the arm and lead them down our path so that they are truly informed, but then osmosis only works in some areas and consciousness is not one of them! I have a client who told me her daughter just had this surgery and she had to gain 20 pounds to "qualify" as large enough at 200 pounds.  I wanted to throttle her and her damn 26-year old daughter.  Geez.   It's such a personal thing isn't it?  But one does not notice Toyotas until one owns one do they?  One does not understand a wheelchair until they cannot walk anymore do they?  One does not know anything about Autism until they have a child in their life that has it do they?  So, the beat goes on and we continue to try to tell them, and they continue to try to listen, just as we all did, and they just don't understand until they have walked in our moccasins do they? No, it's not the easy way out....it's the only way out for me, unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the day and which side of the fence I'm sitting on...then again, most days I straddle the pickets pretty precariously perched, I might add. Thanks again...and I AM having a great day...now that I won't try the grilled chicken again for, oh, at least 3 weeks......tell me that I will learn.......someday........ J P.S. BEFORE anyone rips me a new one for being judgmental about someone gaining to get this life saving surgery.....I'll do it for you.  That was unfair.  I should not have said it and I realize we all make the choices we make.  I went on and on about it being soooo personal.......and it is.  I have no right to judge anyone for any choice they make.  If you are one of those that gained to lose, I apologize.....cut me some slack......I can be just as stoopid as the next person.   Thanx

Dear Linda, Thank you for taking the time to communicate effectively the struggles you go through.  Yes, there are people on this site that will say, "Why do you do that to yourself".  I've had an encounter or two with the type you speak of.  Not on the grad board, but other places.  You will not get that from me.   I know every day how fortunate I am to have kept my pouch small and not stretched my stoma in the early days (I was anorexic) and to have been bypassed 140-150 cm.  I  know how fortunate I am that the urges to overeat are squashed by the knife that cut the physical ability to do so out of me.   There are very few things I know to be true but this is one of them, FOR ME.  When I mindlessly wander and open the refrigerator door it has absolutely NOTHING to do with physical hunger. This surgery has taught me that I can use that behavior, "lose control" (Your words) as an emotional barometer and look into the other areas of my life where I am hungry....and gurl there are other places where I can be starving to death!!!  I'm too tired...I'm too lonely...I'm too frustrated or angry...I'm dishonest with myself or someone else...I'm out of integrity somewhere in my life with myself or someone else...and I just want to eat it away.   Where inside do I need to be fed other than my pouch???   Granted, I've been fortunate and I've been forced to look into these other areas because I did not have a tolerant pouch... still don't for that matter and I know I'm fortunate, every day I know this, every day...for the rest of my life. Granola

i think about this periodically.  i knew what i was signing, but i am still in awe how at times how my head is starving and my tummy aint.  this is sooo deep to me. the way i think about forver is by making sure i take my vitamins everyday.  i want to try to do everything i can i hate to be sick. intresting post.

You nailed it down good. "My head is starving but my tummy ain't"....... I think that's when my spirit is starving.  It's been my job for the last 4 years to meet, greet and get to know that spirit intimately.  That's the spirit that has nothing to do with food for my physical body, but has this voracious appetite for life!!!  And let me tell you...I DO FEED HER! Thanks for putting it so clearly. Granola

I can eat most anything I want without being sick.  I feel bad for a little while, but I do not throw up.  i can chew pretty normally.  The part about the rest of you life that gets to me is the exercise.  if I do not exercise, the pounds slip back on.  Also if I am not real careful about the food, the pounds come back.  The limited amount of calories and all the exercise get to me some days.  I guess regain is my hardest part.   Also taking all the vitamins and supplements and worrying about lab work gets to me, too.   I am 62.   I wonder who is going to make sure I get all the vitamins, etc.,  if I get to the point where I am not in control of my food, etc. True I would do it again, but it does get old worrying about all these things.  I am retired and have time to exercise, so I am thankful for that.  Patricia  262/130 rny  3/11/2005       

Dear Patricia, I CANNOT and WILL NOT, absolutely do not have what it takes to "exercise".   But I do bike, hike and walk my fool feet off.  I have to be outdoors doing something, having fun, playing to get the required physical exercise needed to maintain a healthy body and mind.  But, DO NOT ask me to get on a treadmill, rowing machine, elipitical or any other damned piece of machinery that I am supposed to stand there staring off into space listening to music and make work.  I am not hardwired that way.......but I can hike a mean mountain!!!  LOL I have had to leave the "when I'm too old" thoughts where they lie.  I cannot go there or I'll drive myself nutz!!  When I'm old enough to not manage my vits or food, it is my hope that the docs will be savvy enough about us hybrids to take care of us properly......pipe dream, maybe, but it's where I have to leave it. Good luck to you, Jeani

My main exercise is walking, too.  I also go to the gym for spinning and power lifting classes.  Really i love them, when I get there, but I have to make myself go. I try to take real good of myself with vitamins, exercise, etc., now.  I just get tired of it all some days.  Sorry I do not have much faith in doctors taking care of us in the future.   Nobody is as interest in my well being now as I am.  I have to watch my primary and surgeon to be sure they are taking care of me Patricia