SELF DESTRUCT

WHY am I so SELF-DESTRUCTIVE???

 

Everyday, I get up with the best intentions – I am going to do really good today. I eat a good breakfast – come to work – start working with my water requirements – if I feel hunger, I will make my water a protein drink – at lunch, I eat protein foods – I drink more water – at 3PM, its like I LOSE MY FRIGGIN MIND! Well, actually sooner – about 1:30 – I feel like I “deserve” some desert – animal crackers – not too bad – unless you eat the TWO serving bag – then rolls 3 – and its like a timer goes off – “its time, its time”……..

 

So I am out of apples and laughing cow in my fridge (brain dead left it all on the counter this morning, along with her light and fit yogurt), so I hit the breakroom. I have already had my Diet Dr. Pepper, which starts me on the quest for another one – WHY cant I just skip them and drink my water? –

 

I get a pack of Nekot Crackers – and get a Butterfinger and HIDE IT in my pants pocket on the way back down the hall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW I am being bad or I wouldn’t hide it! I went in there one day last week and there were donuts – I wasn’t hungry but I saw them – and I HAD TO HAVE ONE!!!!!!

 

And now here I sit, 10 minutes after I have inhaled both snacks in secret, feeling like I want to puke and feeling like an IDIOT PIG…………

 

WHY am I doing this to myself? I cant get up and go outside – its ONLY 100° in the SHADE with 80% humidity…..

 

WHY WHY WHY?????????????????

honestly, i think we all have those day were we feel we need to bindge eat everything we see even though we are not supposed to have it. i was like that for the last few years especially after having my oldest son. the past year, i was snacking on whole bags of doritos (cool ranch).. YUMMM and was wondering where my weight was coming from. coming back to the site, i realized dude, i CUT my stomach in two, to become thin and healthy and look what i am doing. i changed my habits and have found alternate foods, that help me with the stuff i need and maybe they have a lil extra in the sugar side to help my sweet tooth. we have to just remember you make the choice, i still eat out, but eat out correctly.  try to cut the soda out for good, not sure if your surgeon told you, but mine told me that soda is a no no. have you noticed that it makes you more thirsty??? thirsty for another soda like you mentioned.

i'm not supposed to have popcorn, but i do since it's filling and light on the calories (just don't tell my surgeon)... lol

i hope this help, i stay on the board every day now and everyone on here keeps me motivated.

one thing that also helps, my sister had the sx done and when i feel like eating wrong i call her 130 lb arss and she helps me. it's always good to have a friend to talk too.... gina

I don't have an answer for you other then we are human and thats the way we are.  Just stop, step back and move on.  So we do bad things (eat) we start the next minute with a new slate.  Try again.  and again, and again.  You will get the program right.  we just need to keep trying.  We always have to remember that they fixed our tummies but not our heads.  Keep trying!  Sheila

I could have written this myself.  I just posted a while ago about my issues w/sweets and weight gain.  I have not gained alot but enough that I can feel it, I want to get at least 10lbs off and it is such a scary feeling, I hated it when I was fat and have loved the overall changes this surgery has made in my life so why why why would I eat all this junk and risk going back to that life??   I guess we have to take it one day at time....good luck and keep us posted.  Melissa

Boy can I relate and eating carbs just makes you want more carbs. I feel like a jumky sometimes. Actually I've been looking for a therapist to work with on this but being in the boonies there is no one that specializes in eating behaviors. I did find someone who would work with me over the computer, now I'm just trying to figure out if my insurance will cover them.  Diona

I understand the feelings that you're describing. For me, I'm either on or off~there's no in between. If I "blow it" and eat the wrong thing then I've blown the day or the week and tend to continue to eat that way instead of fixing the problem immediately. I also hide food b/c I don't want my kids, dh or anyone else to see me eating something "bad" and possibly question me as to why I'm eating it~why do we put this pressure on ourselves???? As far as the diet soda goes, some people seem fine with it,but other's seem to have cravings from drinking it~you'll have to figure out if drinking it is causing you to crave other things or not. I feel physically better when I stay away from it and stick with water, crystal light, etc. I am still working with a therapist to try to work everything out so I don't have any real answers, just wanted you to know that I understand. Try not to be hard on yourself and just make the best choices that you can in that moment.

Hi, I am just over 1yr post op and this is the very thing that scares me. I find myself almost hiding food as well. I also have that 3-5pm bell that goes off....THE MUNCHIE/SNACK bell. I once went to a Weigh****chers meeting and there was a man there who mentioned the he heard  that a lot of women have told him about having the munchies/snack cravings around that time. I never noticed this until he mentioned it with myself but it is definitely the case for me too. Also I notice if I have to many carbs through out the day that the attack is worse. I'm focused really hard on keeping on track. What I do now is save one of my meals specifically for that time of day. I also watch my carbs when I'm truly focused, I drink lots of fluids if I'm not eating around that "munchie" time. Also it helps to find a protein snack when those time**** Anything that is mostly protein would be better then a complex carb. Protein keeps me satisfied longer and rids me of the cravings for other things that are less desireable. 

I too could have written this myself. I get up EVERY morning determined that I am going to do the right thing today. I start off pretty good and even make it past the 3 pm frenzy (I have a protein shake at 3-3:30 EVERY day) My worst time is in the evening after work. I  eat supper and then I think that I need to eat continually from then until bedtime. I either "blew it" during the day and may as well "finish out the day" and start over tomorrow, or I did really well during the day and think that I  "deserve" a treat for having done so well. I know that this is all "stinkin thinkin" and I've been doing this my whoe life. It's why conventional dieting never lasted long for me.  Thank God I cannot eat nearly as much as I used to, but it is still too much to maintain my goal weight. I am currently reading books on emotional eating to try and find the answer to why I sabotage myself this way. If I have a "eureka" moment, I"ll share it with the group. In the meantime, I stay away from carbs because I KNOW that they cause me to crave sweets, and I am currently cutting back on artificial sweeteners to see if they don't make me feel hungrier than normal. I've developed a TERRIBLE coffee habit and use two packets of equal in every cup I drink, in addition to using equal  in other food and drinks during the day. Let's just stay connected and maybe we can figure out something that will work for us all. Seems like if we all have the same problem, the same solution would work for us. Haha Hugs to all,  Piggybabe

I love what Linda F said. It echos my thoughts on this exactly.This is an area I have worked on and I continue to work on.

It is great that you wake up with best intentions. Intentions can be turned to goals. If you have to break those intentions (or goals) out on the hour or by the meal do it. Write them down in the morning and keep them in front of you all day on your des****ep fitday up and open all day long an I write everything in it now regardless of what it is I put in my mouth. I'm less likely to keep eating the stuff I shouldn't if I see it already there. It also helps me to go back and recognize patterns.

3pm is a critical time for me too. Stres****s, I'm tired, can be aggrivated at work, etc. I have a hard time making sound decisions at that time. Usually this is when I have issues too. If at 3pm you are craving sugar then you need to look at the reasons why. Is it stress or is it possible that you are not eating enough of the right foods earlier in the day? Maybe it just happens to be one of those days!! That is ok! That is life! I was ravenous today myself and had little sleep last night. The problem with picking a snack like animal crackers at a critical time where our blood sugar drops is that it is going to get processed very fast and leave you feeling hungry for more. I'm sure you already know this though.

I keep assorted high protein (sweet and salty) snacks in my drawer at work now and I don't even allow myself to be tempted by walking into the break room where the machine snacks are located. If you open my drawer you will find jerky, protein o's, protein cereal, protein pretzels, etc. Actually I am thinking about not even stocking them because I can overeat those as well. Instead I'm going to go back to just packing my days worth of snacks/meals with maybe one or two optional extras. You know what.. there probably will still be a da where I end up walking into that break room and doing the same thing you did. SO WHAT?!!!

Here is my real concern and something I've also had first hand experience with and have changed.... Your tone in your post is very negitive which probably represents the negitive thoughts you have after eating.. the beating yourself up which we all know gives us justification to beat on ourselves more, eat more crap. A VICIOUS CYCLE. Stop that cycle. You said you feel like an "IDIOT PIG." That is so mean and harsh to do to yourself. It is true self-hate and lack of self-worth. Even how you started your post.. "Why am I so self-destructive?" It reminds me of my mom yelling at me when I was a teenager!!! Did your mom say that to you? You can IGNORE those voices.

Just like we change our eating behavior we need to work on changing our thinking. It takes pratice. Next time you catch yourself thinking that way take a step back and note it. Try to replace that with something positive.. tell yourself ok.. so I had some animal crackers and whatever else. Tell yourself to "MOVE ON!" Make the next meal count... heck.. make the next moment count.
Be gentle to yourself. Negative thinking gets negative results. Your thoughts define your limits. Think defeat and you're defeated. Think you can't and you won't.
Believe you can. Perceive, believe then achieve. Become your own cheerleader.

Ideas for replacement thoughts:
"I can face this craving. I refuse to be controlled by food. I am sticking to my plan. I hate junk food because it is addictive and steals my health. I feel weak, but I am making it. I am a fighter, not a quitter. I celebrate my victories - I lost X amt of lbs already, I ran a 5k, I tried my first yoga class, etc. I turned to my friends at OH when I needed them the most and they are there for me right now. I have control of what I eat. I am filled with joy. I am at peace and relaxed. I have no worries. I have abundance in all things. I have abundant health. I recover quickly. I hardly ever get sick. I am truly blessed. This is going to be an amazing afternoon!"
Even if you don't believe some of this stuff just start saying it.. it will come with time. Practice!