very long, but need a shoulder of sorts

deep sigh, and.....

 

I've been intending on reaching out for some much needed support for a long time, and have finally, after reading so many other posts of people who have had similar experiences(still working to get to goal, needing to go back to basics, struggling with grazing, or just plain eating right, etc.) decided to do so… I've been lurking on the grads board now for a while, but have been a member of OH for a year and a half.  I had my RNY in March of 06.  From the get go I was a slow loser.  In December of 06 I was put on levothyroxine (synthroid), for hypothyroidism.  I was also on Celexa, an anti-depressant from about 02 to just recently.  My pcp told me it could be an inhibitor of weight loss.  I did some research and sure enough many anti-depressants can make you gain weight and inhibit loss. If I’d only have known...but anyway. I also hold myself and my lack of self-control accountable.  I don't eat like I should, to put it simply.   So at about 11 months I stopped losing at a loss of about 80 lbs.  I've beaten myself up probably more than daily for this.   Although I'm tons more active than before WLS I do not get regular vigorous exercise. Early on, right after surgery, I freaked out about someday being skinny.  Really!  I panicked.  This is extremely odd to me as I wasn't obese for my whole life, just the latter years in my adult life thus far.  Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy.  Rhetorically asking, do you think I have sabotaged myself?  Then I laugh. But really, why is it I've been given this tool, this opportunity, and I haven't taken full advantage of it?   My mom had RNY in 99, and lost 100 lbs, and has only gained back about 10.  My friend Shari had hers in 01, and did about the same.  She would like to lose more as she sits at about 190.  I know that neither of them had the guidance that so many of us have had....about the protein and vitamins.  I saw how "easily" they lost, while still drinking while they ate, not doing protein supps, eating high carbs....Now neither got to goal, but still lost their 100 lbs. Why haven't I gotten to 100 lbs!?  Once again that's unnecessary to answer as I've told you the answer!  But I often ask myself why?  Why didn't I lose like so many others have....goal weight by six months, or at the latest a year.  So why couldn't it be that easy for me? I lost control at about 13 months out.  So it's been about 2 now that I just have really needed to pull the reigns back in.  I have figured out I do dump, not all the time, but wow I do.  Mainly I get the lightheaded feeling, pulse racing, heat flash response.  Ugh!   I'm reaching out now because I realize I need the support.  I've often wanted to just stay away from OH because I’ve so often gotten frustrated reading when people have great success....which isn't fair because we all deserve support, and praise, etc.  We're all in the same boat to some degree.  Yes, I know you’re not supposed to compare, but hey I’m human….and it’s is human nature to compare! A friend told me recently I'm too hard on myself.  OK.  I guess I am. And if you're reading this, and you've gotten this far please learn from me if you might need some education from someone who's experienced vitamin deficiency.  Yep, along with everything else I had stopped taking my vits!  I've learned that it's not a good thing.  I became severely anemic.  But rest assured I'm taking all my vits and then some now. I am taking protein supps once again.  Thinking about doing the time out thing.  I'm working on drinking in 80 oz water, or CL a day.  I’m thinking writing everything I take in would be a good thing to do again.  Back to basics.   I know this has been long.  I needed to get it all out there.  Thanks for sticking with me if you've made it through this whole post!

Hello,  Please don't beat yourself up over this. Its great that you lost what you did. Also just because you had WLS doesn't mean you don't need the support. You could join a local weight loss center like TOPS or Weigh****chers in your area. That might make you feel more accountable. My friend gained back about 30 pounds and she joined Weigh****chers. You can do that to. Its not just for weight loss too. Its for the support too and keeping yourself in track. They don't need to know you had wls anyway. If you wish to share that info with anyone that is your choice. Some people may think you have an advantage but that is just not true. You can also check out your local Curves for Women. There you may find more support. I am glad that you are taking care of your health. Sounds like you are heading in the right direction.  Paula

Paula, Thank you for supporting me, and also for your suggestions. 

You are definitely not alone.... I think most of us have been there..and I know I suffer from the  same issues.  I realize now that I probably need therapy to deal with my eating issues.  I eat for the sake of eating not for the sake of living....which is a huge difference.  We beat ourselves up because we feel like we were giving  a second chance, and I know that sometimes I feel like I am being ungrateful because I am not treating my body the way it needs to be treated..which makes me feel guilty...then I start picking myself apart...which later leads to eating because of the emotions I have attached to food.... For the longest time I said I wanted this surgery to be normal, and if it's one thing I have learned is that I will never be normal when it comes to weight loss, because it is something I have to work really hard at, but I am recommitting myself to working at it...which is part of the process...

Kellie,  You're right on the money!  We are our own worst critics!   Thanks for your support.  I know I read somewhere about a woman who taught herself to think of herself like a car.  The analogy is a you only fuela car up when it needs fueling. Of course a car doesn't have emotions, but still it is some food for thought...no pun intended.

(((((((Kirsten)))))) I could have written those words.  I lost for the first eleven months fairly easily.  I have yet to make exercise a daily routine.  I know it will help with the last 15-20 pounds but I find excuse after excuse. I did realize I needed some help.  My insurance is wonderful so I called the Doctor I saw for the psych eval and asked for an appointment.  My insurance covers eight visits without co-payment so I signed up.  I am only into it by two appointments, but already I see the issues of being so hard on myself go far beyond my weight gain or loss.  I am a sporadic attender at our support group meetings.  I need to make it a habit, also. Reach out.  Everyday.  Whatever it takes to get the support and help you want.  We have to stop the cycle of berating ourselves for failing, which creates more failure in everything we do. I am on your team!  The entire group is behind you.  It is always easier to run through the scary moments holding hands with someone. Vicky

Vicky, Thanks for being on my team!  I am so glad I have reached out, because the support here is priceless!  GOod luck on those last 15-20!

You've identified several of your struggles and many seem linked to self-discipline.  Which in turn is linked to identify, values, and relationships.  Are you working with anyone about your depression?  Maybe this person could help you work through the self-discipline issues?  I really like the book "The Beck Diet Solution" becasue it addresses our thinking in order to change our behaviors. I have had my fair share of self-sabotaging behaviors that I needed to work through as well as my just sheer laziness moments.  But it sounds like you've made a good start.   Take care and good luck, Sally

Sally, Thank you for the book tip, and the support.  I will have to check it out.

(((((((HUGS))))))) I do think you're being really hard on yourself. It seems from your post that you know what the problem is so now its time to act and the good thing is that its not too late! Going back to basics, using a TO, whatever YOU chose to do is fine. You said you feel like part of this was due to a self fullfilling prophecy~reach out to a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. They can help you to work thru that. And please don't foget that you've already lost 80lbs~that's fantastic and Congratulations to you!!!!!!