(Big Sigh!)

I am very depressed.  It has been awhile since coming here.  I have now gained back 30lbs and am feeling very hopeless.  In evaluating things I see that my addiction to food will overcome the good of the surgery if I let it.  Anyone reading this needs to understand the importance of treating your addictions along with the surgery.  Had I understood more of how this would work, I would have gone into therapy at the same time as going under the knife.  I am so very grateful for the weightloss I have had.  It scares me silly to think that it may come back on...   I have been thinking about why this is so hard and have to talk out a couple of things. 1- I LOVE the taste of food.  That is any food that touches my lips. 2- I LOVE the texture of different foods.  This is why the high protien, low carb watching is very hard for me.  I miss crunching food. 3- I eat for lots of different reasons.  Anger, sadness, happiness, being bored, in front of the computer, in front of the tv... when our church gets together it is all about food.  So I find myself in situations that the food is in front of me and I just don't think. 4- I think different than my thin friends and family.  Sometimes when I eat something I think- I have earned this, I lost 141 lbs.  One will not hurt.  (Boy, this was a very bad way of thinking!)  I still get up thinking about what I will fix for breakfast and after I eat I am then thinking about what to make for lunch and dinner.  Everything is about food. 5- Exercise has never been a priority with me.  I hate to sweat.  There has never been any that has captured my attention and held me to it.  I know I would be better off.  I know what the benefits would be.  I don't know why it is sooooo hard for me to do. 6- I have a deep seeded fear of failure.  I think I do things to sabatoge just so I won't let anyone down.  If there is no chance for success then there is no chance for failure.  (What kind of sick twisted thinking is that?) I am not looking for anyone to give me answers.  I just need to voice and work this out.  At 332 lbs I was looking at death in the face.  I don't want to be there again.  I need to find a way to push away all the demons that got me to that place.  The emotions I think are important.  How I feel before, during and after I eat.  Maybe you all can help me sort things out!  I love my friends with OH.  You all have helped me through the last couple of years and I thank you for that. Hugs, Trudi

Trudi, I think you'll find many of us dealing with food issues just like you are.   The further out I've gotten the more issues I'm facing daily with grazing.  I too love food, just about anything at that.  I'm not a picky eater at all.  I'm a big time emotional eater.   I commend you on working through your issues, I think it is very therapetic to analyze and write down your feelings.  It is something I need to work on myself. Only advice I can give you is take it one day at a time, that's what I'm doing and I pray I can come to terms with why I eat, when I eat even when not hungry. Hugs, Dana

Thank you for your answer.  I am finding that taking one day at a time is impossible for me.  I am struggling with just taking an hour at a time.  Mainly because I do alot of unconsious eating.  In other words, I don't even realize what I am stuffing in my mouth.  I don't sit and eat big amounts but it seems as though I am eating constantly. Thanks again for the hug! I need it. Trudi

Trudi I posted some of my tips to keep the weight off.  Go back and look in this forum under STOP THE WEIGHT GAIN I know these tips help me in maintaining my weight.  you can e-mail me [privatly if you like Lauretta

Trudi, first I want to send out a (((((((BIG HUG)))))) to you!! The farther out we get the harder it gets. You're on the right track but admiting what's going on. It sounds like grazing has taken over and its sure a hard habit to get out of. I went thru a short time of this and found that keeping a pad of paper and a pen on the counter and writing down everything that went into my mouth right at the time I was consuming it was really eye opening. Also, having to stop to write it down gave me a second to have my brain process what I was about to do and it helped me to kick the habit (for  now anyway). We all struggle so please know that you're not alone! 30lbs is not the end of the world and you can recover from this~I know its not easy but I know you can do it! Even just adding some daily walking would help since you said that you don't like formal exercise. I am an emotional eater and a food addict and just recently have started meeting with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders~it has been very enlightening and very worth while~if that's an option for you then please look into it in your area. Alot of us fear failure, self sabotage and fear success too! Good Luck and keep us posted on how things are going for you!

Trudi:  I'm so sorry that you're struggling so much. I'm glad that you decided to post here and get some support, though.  I hope that you will gain some strength from being here.

The itemized list in your post tells me that at least you know what your problems are.  That's a really good first step.  You have recognized what is holding you back.  That is huge, because many people never even know what is keeping them from succeeding.  You have a handle on these things now.  You mentioned therapy, and since you did, I'm thinking you realize that you need this help.  And there's nothing wrong with admitting that.  Now that you have, I hope that you will seek out a therapist to help you begin working on your issues.

I have to say that #'s 1 and 2 can be true for anyone, though.  I don't know very many people, thin, fat or in-between, who don't love food!  We're part of the "normal" population on these two!  What is different for us is that we often use food to comfort us or relieve boredom, or we use it for a reward.  The challenge is to learn to see food for what it really is - fuel for our bodies to thrive and be healthy.  And what a challenge that is for all of us with food and weight issues.

Good luck, Trudi.  Please post again to let us know how it's going.

Carlita

 

Food does not seem to be as interesting as shopping is now... That has its own set of problems. You said that you mindless eat I find myself doing mindless shopping. I see it I order it online and it comes in the mail. It's just like Christmas how fun to get something new in the mail. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind.  I have spent more money then I can afford and still have problems getting a hold on the addiction of shopping. I am a recovering alcoholic with 20 years of sobriety so drinking is out of the question. I wonder how I could control that but not shopping. Why does it happen to us I wonder most days. Why is  it always such a battle? Did we not all think, I will be thin life will be wonderful I can wear anything I want.  Now I deal with daily headaches which do not help with the shopping. I feel bad so I shop.   Sometimes you have to take one minute at a time.  I understand that everything revolves around food. It was an eye opener after surgery. I just try to not fall into that trap. I think talking to a therapist is in order. I go at least once a month more if needed.  It really does help.  Kim 11/04 268/153

I can relate to many of the things on your list.  Some days some, some days others.  I work very hard not to: 1. feel guilty about what I eat (makes me eat more) 2. build in some slack foods that don't cause #1 to happen 3. see if I can determine by what I crave, what I need to supplement 4. I'm also all about texture.  !!!  5. i have a rule about eating things that invoke #1.  If I simply MUST have it, I must finish this protein drink FIRST.  That gives me thinking time. I'm also scared spitless about being as sick as I was when full sized.  I play a LOT of games in my head so that I stay ahead of the game.  I'm not always on my game, but there are things I simply do NOT do because then I'm off for perhaps a week and then I have to catch up.     And I hate that! While you're pondering, think over my rule #1.  See if there are ways you can work with it.  I also wasn't good abou****er, but have worked for 2 yrs now to become good a****er.  I give me points when I meet my water goals.         I never had a problem with getting in my 180g of protein supps and a ton of vites, so I don't exactly get points for those.     Since I can so easily BE captivated by food, I work around it and regard it as the physical disease it IS vs the mental disease I don't think it is.

Thank you all so much for the answers that I have recieved!  This really is a DISEASE!!  Things were not as bad today but I still think of food 24/7.  I have family that have addictions and I know how hard it was for them to quit.  But I can't quit food.  I am trying to think of this as an allergy to certain things.  Maybe then it will be easier.  The first year I didnt crave anything.  It was easy to stay away from the bad stuff.  I had hoped that it would become habit to me.  I didnt figure the years of addiction into the equation and that has been the problem.  I never admitted to myself or anyone before surgery, that I am an addict!  Thank you for being there everytime I have needed the support.  We really are a family. Hugs, Trudi

Trudi,  Thank you for your honesty.  Many of your words could be coming from me.  It is a daily struggle.  I too think about food all the time.  I'm always thinking about what and when I am next going to eat.  I started reading about AA and have incorporated some of those philosophies into my life.  I have an addiction over which I feel powerless.  I have always said that I hate to sweat but i have ben walking a lot.  It helps.  I wear a pedometer and try to get 10,000 steps in daily which is supposed to equal 5 miles.  You have a lot of insight to go along with that honesty.  We will all help each other.  Charlie