Identity following WLS

I don’t really know where to start but I am hoping someone can relate to my struggles and give me some advice.  I have struggled with maintaining my weight since my surgery.  I will get to my goal weight and stay there for a couple weeks but then start making poor choices with my food and exercise…therefore I will gain weight and start the cycle again.  This has been going on for 2 years.  I haven’t gone over my goal weight more than 10-18 pounds but it’s the lack of control that bothers me the most.  I have really searched for the reason.  I did let the evil carb monster back into my life and that doesn’t help but I can beat the carb monster because I’ve done it before….it’s not fun but I know I can do it.  This weekend I really put some thought into this.  What I came up with may seem bizarre to some people but I hope some of you all may relate and can offer suggestions.

 

My whole adult life I have been focused on losing weight or obsessing about food and feeling guilty for overeating.  When I get to goal, I feel lost…like my whole purpose is gone.  I think that my identity has been tied to my struggle and obsession with weight for so long that when I get into somewhat of a “normal” state with food I don’t know what to do with myself.  I always thought that when people talked about “finding themselves” it was a cop out but now I can understand what some people mean.  As an adult, at 36, it’s sad to say that because I have let food and weight control my life for so long, I don’t think I have really let myself  out who I am.  Has anyone else experienced this?  If so what route did you take to help.  I have been looking for counselors in my area and I am going to try to get an appointment soon.  For those of you seeing counselors…are they helping you to deal with your issues?  Thank you in advance

 

Mary

Hi Mary! Yes, I can relate to what you're saying and I think the reasons you came up with are very valid. I too was focused on weight and weightloss for so many years that it kind of took over my life. Once I hit goal it was almost like "ok, now what?" I questioned the fact that I would gain a few pounds just so  I felt like I had something to work towards again~crazy logic! Its like I need something to focus on, something to work toward....I guess like I'm never fully happy or satisfied with my weight. As far as not finding myself, I think I really don't know who  the thin me is? I was thin previously, but that was in my teens and early 20's~I am certainly  not the same person I was back then. Now I'm a 39yr old wife and mother not a 21yr old party girl. I am currently seeing a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and in fact, I have an appt today a t 9:30am. I'm glad you brought this to  my mind b/c its not something that we've really touched on yet. If she tells me anything of value I'll pass it along to you.......although I have a feeling you're on the right track with your theory.

Wow Mary, I can totally relate.  My life has also been consumed with weight and weight loss for so many years, I don't know what to do now.  I am still an emotional eater and trying to understand and gain insight on dealing with this.   Once I reached goal I realized I have nothing to strive for and I wonder everyday what to do.  It floors me to no end.  How do we continue to make good choices, love ourselves and live the new life we've been giving?  I don't know, a good therapist may be able to help, I'm not in a situation right now to pursue this avenue.  Each day I wake up with a fresh attitude and every night I reflect on my day......some days I feel great, I stayed in control and I'm happy with myself.  Other days I'm at the other end of the spectrum..........I'll be watching others replies and hopefully will gain something from this post.

Having been fat from 8 yrs to 35 yrs of age, I can so relate to this, I am the fat girl. Even now, I look good at 145, but in my eyes i am still fat, hips too big etc. So i keep plunging away looking for something to fix my distorted vision of myself. It help turning my focus to excersise. Because now, i have new fitness goals and they keep getting tougher, but i must say i struggle with this daily. Let me know if you find the miracle cure, Melinda

I just want to thank you all so much!  I know that we don't have the complete solution but it makes me feel so much better to know that I am not alone.  I tried to explain this to my husband but he's never had a weight problem so he has no idea what I am talking about.  I think only those that have struggled with weight can totally understand...that's why I am so thankful that you all took the time to post.  If along your journey you find any helpful information, please let me know.  Again, thank you!! Mary

Could this issue be directly related to the way we set goals for ourselves?  If you're like me, in the past I could diet as well as anyone!  And man, I could lose weight like crazy!   But I was much better at gaining it back than I ever was at losing it.  I think much of this stems from the fact that the frame of mind that I was in while dieting was different than the one I had once I reached a goal I set for myself.  On a diet, I ate one way - at goal weight (which I never truly achieved) - I ate another way.  I set myself up for failure through my own actions - I repeatedly allowed myself to fall into the diet trap.  The notion that "diets don't work" was certainly true for me. I'm driven by the fear of falling into old habits, gaining weight back and being morbidly obese again...I think this is true for alot of us.  Your post really challenged me to think about this fear and what I've got to do to make this time different than any other time I've been on a diet and lost weight.  The key I think is NEVER being on a diet again.    While I've worked harder post-op than anytime I've ever been on a diet, I've never viewed this as a diet.   I didn't when I was on my journey down the scale and I don't now.  Once I achieved goal - I did not change a thing - I didn't have to.   My routine (with some slight adjustments here and there) has remained the same since Day One post-op.  Yes I'm more diligent now about nutrition and exercise than in the past, but it's just my life now...I guess some would consider it a "diet" - I simply don't see it that way any longer. So in spite of WLS, do many of us approach goal-setting the way we did pre-op and when we were on diets?  "Just get to the finish line!"  "Finish the race" we tell ourselves...and then our mindset changes.   Something to think about. Hummmmm.  Will I be able to sustain this?  Will I still be at a healthy weight 3-5 years from now.  Darn it, there's that fear again!   Time to go to the gym!  From a physical standpoint, I've been very fortunate thus far.  The mental aspects of - who I really am...who is that guy in the mirror is a totally different matter.  It's a complex issue - after being in a cocoon for 35+ years it's going to take some time in getting acquainted with the person I've become now for only two short years.  Much more attention needs to be paid to this part of the journey. Cards Fan

diet mentality = failure lifestyle = long term health

Mary, You are soooo not alone with this issue.  I have been at goal for several months now and I don't know who the hell I am, so it seems... all my life I was someone who needed to lose weight, and that's not the case anymore.   I can't use the weight as an excuse for failures -- why I didn't get the job, why the guy didn't call back, etc.... I'm having to take a real hard look inside myself to tease this stuff out... I know it stems from childhood experiences, but I'm not 37 and don't want to visit the painful past - I wish to move forward.  I always thought that once I got thin I would be Happy.  Why does it seem that I am more depressed?  ::sigh:: A counselor can help a lot with these issues.  I was in therapy for a long time but then decided I needed a break because it became a bit too intense for me.   You are taking the right steps in getting help from a counselor.  I wish you the best of luck.