body image

there seems to be an issue that women just cannot look in a mirror and feel good, and say they look great.   Little girls do it, but as we get older we lose that ability to see ourselves as beautiful. I just love it when my grand daughter shows me something as says how she looks SO pretty. Why don't adult women do that? is is drilled out of us by the media images?  are we taught it is conceited or self centered to like our own looks? Is it from put downs from others?

 Why do we lose that innocent aceptance of ourselves and our bodies.

Comments?

My take would be media spin.  As a child of the 60's, we had Twiggy.  And I wanted to be JUST LIKE HER.  My mother saved everything she ever touched, and one thing I found was a "Teen" magazine from 1966 (I was 16) and there were 2 silhouettes in the back in the ads.  The "before" was a Marilyn Monroe type figure, the "after" was Twiggy.  What did this tell me?  At 5'1", I would have had to weigh under 100# to reach that ideal!  As it was, I was a hulking 125# and obviously too fat to be allowed to live, so I staved myself relentlessly on up to 262 over time. The expectation that we will all be tanned, toned, airbrush perfection tends to never leave us.  I'm a redhead!  Exactly WHEN was *I* ever going to be tanned like that? Now that I'm older, smaller, I should be thrilled with this body.   But nope, I have wrinkles and my waist could be smaller and I wish my legs were longer and I'm still searching for the elusive tan.  Shall I go on?

I totally agree - it's the media onslaught!  I can't stand that the only "chubby" people in movies are always the ones that are ugly, can't get a date, yada yada yada!  Every magazine assaults you w/it - even the "fat lady" catalogs have thin models!  I really had hoped by now I would look in the mirror and be SO proud of how far I've come - but, if anything, I think I'm MORE critical of myself!  I don't think (at 52) that there's any hope for contentedness for me in this life - and that's really sad!!  Thanks for letting me vent!  (Bet you're glad you opened up this door, huh?!?  LOL)

Willow,the media puts out this image about what a woman is suppose to look like.It is in tv,movies,ads and etc.Young girls are taught when they are young that being too thin is good and being a healthy weight is bad.That helps in the exposion of eating disorders. I know woman have this more than men but some men think that they also have to have a certain body shape or else they are less than a man.The same can be said for women unless they acheive a certain body than they are less and when that happens they get depress. I know since surgery I too have to look in the mirror and wonder who that person is.I know it is not me but some one else. You can see it in some of the post women who are not happy because the media tells them.They need to be real thin. Ladies I will tell you have all done a great job and your body will tell you when to stop.In my book you are all beatifull...............bob

I agree with what the other posters have said so far about the media influence.  I grew up as a teenager in the '60's, a product of  16 Magazine, Teen, and Seventeen!  I remember my sisters & I just pouring over the pages, examining the hairdos, make-up, fashions, & diet tips like they were gospel.  (I was actually normal sized as a teen.)  In spite of being raised in a wonderfully traditional, loving family that valued education, church, accomplishments, etc., I think the "how you look" mentality was just so pervasive! You mentioned your granddaughter.  Isn't their innocence adorable?!  I know what you mean about how they have NO qualms about thinking they look cute (I have 2 small grandsons; they are totally unselfconscious too)!  I think people chuckle at that behavior partly because yes, the kids ARE adorable, but also because we seem to "know" that this is "childish," won't last, etc.  When kids start to be more inhibited in their behavior in general, this is the sort of thing they began to realize isn't totally acceptable.  Unfortunately, it doesn't take long to become conditioned to feel like we're bragging if we speak of our own looks in a positive way.  ESPECIALLY girls. I am so incredibly grateful for my surgery and my weight loss--and this is in spite of the fact that I've regained 20 lbs.  (No, I'm not happy about that and am working on it, but I'm still in a good place.)  However, as a 57-year-old woman who has not had plastic surgery and probably will not, my body is not pretty.  I can say that I do like the way I look as long as I am covered with pants at least as long as capris and a top that at least has 3/4 length sleeves--but that's as benevolent as I can be with myself!  My sorrow is not so much in how imperfect my body is right now--my mental struggle is more about feeling like I wasted so many years being obese.  I gained my weight extremely quickly (my parents were killed in an accident about a year after I was married, and food was my drug of choice).  The miracle is that I have had a wonderful husband and 3 great kids, a great career, many close friends and church family.  I just grieve that in spite of all that, my obesity was always such a major factor in what I did, how I interacted w/ my family & friends, and how I felt inside & outside. Well, I didn't mean to go on & on.  Great post. Jo

It's difficult to see myself as anything but overweight.  I don't feel obese anymore, but I feel overweight most of the time ... I guess that is because I carried that extra weight most of my adult life. I'd love to say "I'm done" and really mean it. Patti (hope that doesn't sound depressing - not the intention) 

Hi Willow, I think part of the reason we change from innocent little kids who love our bodies to grown ups who are not happy with our bodies, is that along the way we begin to listen to other people's opinions about us.  Of course the media and society have a huge influence on women's bodies, and what they "should" look like. I also believe that part of our problem is black and white thinking and perfectionism.  Once we learn to accept that nobody is perfect it's easier to accept ourselves the way we are.   I am very happy with my body just the way it is right now - which is with an enormous weight loss, flabby extra skin and aging rapidly.  The reason I am happy is that it is so different from the body I was living in 20 months ago - when I couldn't walk a block, I had sleep apnea, I was in constant physical and mental distress and I didn't fit into the world.  I am grateful for being awake when the message that I could change my life came to me.  I am grateful for the ability to never stop learning, growing and changing, and finally knowing that I am worth it - and worthwhile. I hope every person that has been in our shoes can break the generational cycle of passing on our feelings of worthlessness to our children and cherish them the way we would have liked to felt cherished as children and young adults. And finally, I hope we all get the message that beauty is more than a product, and it is inside all of us. Thanks! Adrienne xo

I'm not sure what causes it. I do know that my perceptions in the mirror have never been reality based~when I was 328lbs I didn't think I looked that heavy and I didn't think I looked that bad~but now when I look back at old pics I realize just how bad it was. Now the reverse is true~when I look in the mirror I don't realize how thin I am or think I look good. Wow, I feel like such a mental mess some days, LOL!!! Still a work in progress I guess!

Reading what others have written reminds me that once (post WLS), i was checking the mirror for flaps, tags, be sure I was zipped and all and a renegade thought flashed across my mind, "I look good." as in fgure was ok, good hair day, outfit was cute.  But then,   how COULD I have such a thought!?!?!  I mean, we are never, ever going to measure up to this elusive butterfly of "supposed to be".  I tend to think it's a marketing thing to sell us more products. I'm 57, so my skin will never be smooth enough, the white hairs are too white, and I feel like I wear a sign that says, "57 and wrinkly!"  I'm thinking that doesn't have much to do with me personally or my upbringing so much as the marketing onslaught that tells me I always have to be BETTER, thinner, smoother, tanner, taller, longer legs, straighter or curlier, etc ad nauseum.

Probably from everything you mentioned and then some.  But I think we are SLOWLY changing this a bit.  There are signs that we can actually be "normal" women and still be OK, you know?  Oprah is a good role model, the Dove beauty ads, Queen Latifah and Jennifer Hudson, the backlash against anorexic runway models. 

The best thing to do is shun the media stereotypes and don't allow them in.  If we quit buying the magazines, or watching the TV shows, things will change fast.  If we don't buy a manufacturer's clothing line because they aren't making it to fit real bodies, pretty soon they'll make something that real bodies can wear.  It's all about the money, really.  So as consumers we can do a lot more to contribute to the changes - we aren't powerless after all!

Having said that, let's all work a little bit harder on accepting ourselves and showing the world our inner beauty.  When all is said and done, and we're all really old and wrinkled, the inner beauty will be all that we have anyway! Carlita