self-sabotage! help

I had my surgery in Nov 05 and have lost approx 90 lbs and I am on a downward spiral mentally.  I am back to binging and back in the "good day/bad day", "good girl/bad girl" mind set and I am totally freaking out because I know that I am setting myself up for failure.  I do not dump on a majority of sugar products so I am able to shove candy down my throat all day--and the question isn't even about dumping- it is why am I doing this to myself???  Why does someone have their bodies cut open, intestines re-routed- only to put themselves in harm's way again?  Am I thinking that because I look better now that I am not at risk for going in the opposite direction?  I know all the things I should be doing- with regards to nutrition, counseling, support groups etc..the deal here is that I am not applying these methods and I am trying to get jolted back into doing things the healthiest way. I do still take all my vitamins....I have been getting exercise back in my life....and I have been back revisiting this board again after months of being away----I know that reading the posts each day has brought all of this back to the forefront of my brain.... Trying hard not to beat myself up----but I feel like a loser- in the bad sense- and I am forgetting that I am a food addict and that I need to remain vigilent the rest of my life. Why does it seem to look easier for others?  Do some people struggle and then find their way back?  I don't want to keep going until I am busting out of my clothes!!!

Karen:  You sound just like me!  I wish I had the anwers to your questions, but I don't.  I'm clueless on all the various "WHYS."  All I can tell you is that you are right - beating yourself up is definitely counterproductive.  It only leads to worse behavior.  I think the truth is that this disease, or addiction, or eating disorder, or whatever you want to call it, is just something that we will always have to deal with, and sometimes we'll be better at it than at others.  We just have to keep trying every day to do the best that we can - we will fail miserably sometimes, but other times we'll do really great.

I am struggling with regain (25 pounds from my lowest post WLS weight).  I think for a good while I thought the "magic" would return and I could easily lose the weight again, or maybe I thought I wouldn't gain because I had surgery.  Of course, I was instructed otherwise and did ALL the research, and thought I was really smart about it all, but instead I turned around and chose to believe in the "magic."  LOL  I'm finally waking up a bit now, and am trying harder to keep things under control.  I'm trying to eat healthier, get some exercise when I can, and do "better" things for my body.  I'm also trying not to obsess about it all - that to me is also counter-productive.  We still have to remember that we only get one life, and we should try to enjoy it whether we're fat, thin, or somewhere in between.

Best wishes - please keep posting, too.  I think hanging around here has really helped me as well.  There's lots of good advice and support here.

Carlita

 

I may be wrong, but there seems there may be an underlying issue that is causing this. I was there, currently I am there, but I still am taking care in what I eat, b/c losing 100+ I have no desire to go back. When I felt this happening to me, I went to therapy. Just a suggestion.

I have to agree with you. They worked on our bodies not our minds. I personally think that it would be a great benifit to our programs if they made it manditory to have counseling pre and post op. Again just my humble opinion. Good for you that you took the steps to do something about if before it got out of hand.  I too have gained, not sure how or why, I have been dealing with the Mystery pain that many others have been dealing with and my last episode I gained 20lbs within a month of being discharged from the hospital. Still don't know how or why. I have gained an additional 14 since the end of last yr. I do my best to eat right everyday. I can't say I have never eaten anything I shouldn't, But 99.9% of the time I eat right. I never consume anything made with flour or anything with sugar in it. If I find something I like to much I, like sugar free anything. I just stop buying it. I am not perfect in my eating but I do eat healthy. I read a post earlier that the poster said that she had been eating bad carbs like potatoes and rice. I never thought of them as being bad carbs....LOL. Maybe that is my problem. j/k. I don't over eat them, but hey you never know. I am thinking that maybe I need to cut them out for a while and see what happens. regardless I can't see that packing on 20lbs in a month on the amout of food I can eat.

I had my RNY in 2001 and I too am going through this...I think it is underlying and ofetn times cant be helped. Mine is stress related.... i went from 233 to 133 now at 154. I have fallen off the exercise wagon.....dont eat right....take vitamins most of the time. I have lost interest in being healthy..... I dont know what to tell you. I have hit a wall and have almost given up. tammy

Carlita- I just read your profile and could relate to so much of what you wrote!  I need to get back on track and think that I am going to turn a corner now- I am scared that I will revert back and I don't want to and can nip this now so that I am not posting about a 20 lb weight gain in a couple months- I will only beat myself up worse then and go really out of control-- thanks for the responses!

Hi ladies!! Wow - ya'll are definitely singing my song!!!  I have often wondered the exact same thing - why go through all of this, lose all the weight, feel great, look good - only to sabatoge all efforts by testing the waters and going back to old habits?  Food is like the drug you cannot get away from - and for those of us with addictive personalities (like me!), you can't get away from it - you have to feed the monster every day! For me, the bad habits seemed to creep back when I surpassed the "honeymoon" phase of the weight loss and realized that, "This is it.....  maintaining is completely up to me now."  Given my past experience with weight loss attempts, maintaining was never really in my vocabulary!  Truthfully, I don't really know how to do that!! Emotionally, I had a hard time when my fast-burn phase was over and I was no longer in the "spot light" - I felt "special" as I was losing the weight and when it was gone, that special feeling seemed to go with it.  There I was, wondering, "Okay, what next?" I don't know what the answer is...  I just know that I have to be conscious of my efforts every single day and try not to beat myself up when I have a hard day.  Good and bad days are common with me, and I'm learning to accept that for what it is and understand that it's not the end of the world if I make a bad choice.  For every bad choice, I try to make two good ones - whether it be a food choice or something else - just so that I feel better about what I'm doing! I'm sorry that ya'll are going through this, too, but I have to admit that I'm glad that my boat isn't empty.   Hugs! Kristi

It sounds like you are doing your best to get back on track. Your best bet is to not leave the boards and the support we need. Do you belong to a local support group? They are so important. I am 3yrs out and I come to OH everyday, I don't know why it took me so long to find this board.....LOL. I want to wish you the best. I am sure you will do great. Claiming the problem and facing it is 1/2 the battle.

Thank you for putting into words what I am going through right now.  Unreal.  I have lost 170 pounds, had my surgery 5/25/05.  I have not gained.  I have maintained for a couple of months.  I exercise, I joined weigh****chers, I have an appointment with a nutritionist next week.  I also made an appointment with a therapist in two weeks.  I am terrified that I will go back to where I was.  I see myself stress eating, making poor choices and then beating myself up afterwards.  The whole "bad"/"good" thing too.  Like someone said the surgery is for our stomach not our brain.  It is such a struggle.  Why do we turn to food?  Thank you again for your post.  It is so nice to know there are others out there with the same challenges.  Good luck on your journey.  And I am sorry you are going through this.   Hugs, Shaun