DIVORCE AFTER WEIGHT LOSS????

Hi Everyone,                 I don't know what to do.  I've lost weight, I feel good about myself and I'm not sure the man I married is the man for me anymore.    We didn’t have much of a sex life before the surgery…his choice, not mine.  It has not improved at all since I’ve lost the weight, but my sex drive is off the charts.  I don’t know what to do.  I’ve heard that women tend to leave their spouses after this surgery. Is that true?   Is anyone out there going through, or went through what I’m going through?  We don't have children and we tried seeing a counselor a few years ago about the sex life issues, but he only went twice and he wouldn't go anymore.  I think maybe I married him because I didn't think I could get any better.  Sad huh?   Now I'm afraid to be alone and I think that's the only reason I've stayed this long.  I feel sexy now that I've lost this weight and I want someone who will appreciate all this hard work I'm doing to look good.  I just don’t feel we’re a good match anymore.  Please advise…

Well, I can't speak for anyone else.  But, I do know what you mean with the sex drive. IT IS SO THROUGH THE ROOF. I think it might have to do with reaching that sexual peak in life as well. I am divorced after WLS. I don't know how much it had to do with the surgery however.  There were problems there, that were always there. I just was done with dealing with them.  So, maybe now that you are getting this new body and new confidence.  Stuff  you were willing to deal with before...you aren't so willing to deal with now. Felicia

I'm sorry for your dilema....  I know that your feelings and frustrations are very difficult.   Have the two of you considered counseling?  I don't know how much time you have invested in this marriage or whether there are children to consider, but I would certainly exhaust all possibilities to determine the breakdown in your feelings before walking away. It's common for our sex drives to go up following surgery, but do not let that be the determining factor in your decision about your future.  While sex is an important part of a relationship, it is not what drives a successful one. Counseling may be the answer to deciding the answer for you. Good luck! Hugs! Kristi

I"m sorry you're going thru this. In doing my research before surgery, I did find that there are a high number of divorces after surgery (although the divorce rate in general is very high) so I know that its very common. I have not had this experience and I have found that it has made my relationship stronger. They say that bad marriages b4 surgery usually break up after surgery, but good marriages b4 surgery seem to grow stronger after surgery. I think for some, when they were m.o. they put up with things that they really shouldn't have but due to low self esteem and self worth they were more willing to put up with bad behaviors in others (not just spouses, but people in general). Now, with the new found self confidence, they are able to stick up for themselves and realize that they deserve better. I wish you good luck whatever you decide to do.

Tonya; The statistic I read when I was doing my research 2+ years ago was 72% of marriages where one spouse has had WLS end within 2 years of the surgery date. That's high, but the divorce rate for non-ops is 50% so that's not really a promising statistic either. You need to do some soul searching and determine what is the best path for you. I've never met your or him, so I can't lend any insight as to why you are experiencing these issues.

I am one of the statistics.  My divorce will be final shortly.  I have explained the WLS/divorce connection is that the surgery gave me the balls to do what I should have done years ago.  I think WLS will make good relationships better, and bad ones worse. Just my .02. Good luck. Sharon

i am on my own now too...   only thing is.... i dont want to be.   but my heart is broken and cant imagine it being healed for a long time. I also cant imagine becoming involved with anyone and ever explaining what we have been through, and all the issues we have, or that I have.... not being able to eat a regular meal, the bathroom issues, etc.   So, now I feel like I am going to be on my own/alone for a long time. I miss my ex like crazy.  I dont know if it was a 'bad' relationship, apparantely he thought it was.   And just when I was starting to feel so muh better about life and my body, now I am all a wreck again? lordy! oh well....   Jess

I am so with you on how you feel.  I think I also settled. sad, yes, very sad. And the new me, just doesnt fit the same "him"  is how I see it. I am still here for my son. But wish I was happier. Its not just sex, its all of it for me. We are not a good match, but there is sooooo much to lose. I am 3 yrs post op,and still here!

HI Tonya... I am guilty as charged on both things you said....My husband was like that as well. His choice not to be or want to become intimate. But when you are 330 pounds and you already feel like a failure in life...( well I know I did) i was willing to settle for that just to have it...Someone is better than no one right or so it is said... But now...almost 2 years post op...I am a new and beautiful woman inside and out. I have lost over 180 pounds and while still have 20 to go...I am more alive than ever. I have cheated and cheated and the smaller i become the worse it gets. I have done things sexually over the past year that I never dreamed existed. WOW people really do these things...HOLY CRAP> any way the thing is I do not tell my partners I have had surgery for weight reduction. That has become a  very private part of me and well Lets Just say....My divorce will be final May 16th 2007.  I am a stat for the divorce rate after weight loss. I think it is just a new part of who we are....out with the old life and in with the new...We just have the right to feel as though we are worth better than what we ever felt we had to settle for.... Good Luck... 330/275/200/150  20 to go...hoooo haaaaa... Rae