OT: Woe is me

Hi all.  I don't post much on this board but have gotten tired of the nastiness on the main board. My post is completely unrelated to my WLS and all about me feeling sorry for myself so feel free to pass it up.  I just feel an unusual need to unload. Where to start?  Our son is 26 and just got out of 8 months of jail for his 4th DUI.  He was living w/a girl for 3 years and they have a son who is 19 months old.  When DS went to jail the girlfriend broke it off with him.  We basically supported her and the baby (Jordan) because of the baby.  He is our pride and joy.  The girlfriend also had an older daughter that she was in a custody battle for who got taken away from her for physical abuse in Nov.  When they took the daughter away they also removed Jordan from her care.  We got him (the maternal grandmother is looney).  Since we have had him in our house, his mother has been doing drugs and is not compliant with her case plan.  I can count on 2 hands how many times she has been to viist him since Nov.  She is allowed an unsupervised visit if her pee-tests are clean from drugs.  On her first one back in Dec, I went to pick Jordan up and her front door was open.  No answer to my calling and I walked in.  She and Jordan were laying on a mattress in the living room asleep.  He could have woke up and walked out of that apartment so easily.  I almost had a heart attack thinking about it.  Needless to say I reported it to the caseworker and chewed her butt out myself.  She said she just didn't think about it (she is 23 years old).  Another reason Jordan was removed from her care was medical neglect.  He was having constant ear infections and she wouldn't take him to the doctor and if she did she wasn't giving him the medication like she was suppose to.  Anyway, he ended up having ear tubes put in the beginning of Jan.  She didn't even show up for the surgery. Through all of this, our daughter got married, I am going through menopause, I have sciatic nerve pain in both legs and just had a partial knee replacement in Jan, my DH is on anti-depressants.  We had to sell our truck to pay for the lawyer to keep our son out of prison.  He is very lucky he only did 8 months, the DA wanted to send him to prison for 2 years.  Now we ar eputting money out to get him an apartment.  He is on an alcohol montor for 3 months ($105 a week), and he is on community control for 1 year, then 3 years probabtion.  All of this costs money.  It is definitely a financial burden. My primary doctor tried putting me on anti-depressants but they make me feel weird.  I really don't think I am depressed. Denial, right? Having Jordan 24/7 is something I can't explain.  My husband and I love him to death and we certainly get a huge kick out of watching him learn and grow.  He has bonded to us in a big way.  We have made big adjustments in our life to accommodate him.  I guess I feel resentlful toward our son and the girlfriend for putting us in this predicament.  We certainly did not dream that we would be raising our grandson.  The chances of him going back to his parents are slim to none. I'm not even sure why I am writing all this.  I don't expect any miracle answers. I am just feeling sorry for myself.  I am grieving for my free time. For those that I haven't bored to death, thank you for listening. Life goes on. Patty

Patty, I just wanted to tell you to hang in there.  I wish I had a miracle answer for you, but I don't.  I do know from my own personal struggles that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you can't see it yet.  You will be in my prayers. Lisa

Thanks Lisa, I just feel much better for having gotten it off my chest. Cheers, Patty

That is an incredible amount of stress for anyone to go through.  Just keep in mind what a wonderful blessing you are for your grandchild and as the mother of three children, I know he is a blessing for you too.  Just remember to take care of yourself in the meantime, you can give and give of yourself to others, but at some point they have to want to change, especially if they are adults.  I know it must hurt so much because this is your son, but you don't want your health to continue to deteriorate.  Take care, you are doing a wonderful thing, that child needs someone stable that will take care of his emotional and physical needs providing a loving home for him. 

Thanks Helen.  I really appreciate the words of support.  I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I also work fulltime and have an hour's commute each way.  When we got Jordan we had to find a new day care and the only place was on the base where I work, so he rides with me each day.  We have to leave the house at 6:15 am and don't get back home until between 5:30 and 6 at night.  Jordan is definitely a blessing.  Over a year ago we went through adoption classes because we wanted to adopt some older children. That fell through and we keep telling ourselves that it worked out that way so we could devote ourselves to Jordan.  God works in mysterious ways. As far as our son goes, we have given and given.  We have him set up with all the necessities he needs but it is now up to him to straighten out his life.  We can do no more.  I have cried many tears over him wondering if there was something we did wrong in raising him.  Then I look at his older sister who is the complete opposite of him and realize that we did everything we could and it is his choice to make the wrong decisions. Anyway, thanks again. Your words mean a lot to me. Patty

Hi Patty, You have not done anything wrong by your son.  He has a free will and makes up his own mind - unfortunately to do the wrong thing.  jordan is indeed blessed to have wonderful grandparents like you and your husband.  It's time to focus on YOU, your husband and Jordan - if that is what you really want.  You have done all you can for your son and you owe him and his girlfriend nothing (except maybe a swift kick in the pants).  I know it is hard, but sometimes in order to really help someone, you have to say "no". 

I will be praying for you and your family.

I am sorry to here of the things you and your family are experiencing at this time.  I know what you are going through because as we speak my mother is going through something similar.  Please continue to take care of yourself first, you are not much good to yourself, your grandson or your husband if your health declines.  I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I have to agree with future former fat chick. You owe your son nothing. You said he was 26 years old, that's old enough to grow up and start making responsible decisions. Jordan is lucky to have you. Your son and his gf are lucky to have you too, but Jordan is the one who needs your devotion, love and energy. It sounds like your son and his gf have serious substance abuse issues. They need to learn to take care of themselves. I have known several substance abusers in my life. They never "wake up and smell the coffee" until the people who were enabling them stopped enabling. Paying for all of these expenses (like the apartment)  is only teaching him that you and your husband will always be there to bail him out, that he never has to take responsibility for his actions. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your grandson is the most important factor in this equation. Focus on him. Take care to focus on yourself and your marriage too. These types of situations have ways of festering inside relationships and making them weaker.  Also, maybe you and your husband might think about attending a few Al-Anon meetings. They have helped me tremendously. Email me if you ever need to talk. L*

My thanks to all for you for your special words. They mean a lot to me.  It is a hard time right now but I look at Jordan and know we are doing the right thing.  He has become such a part of our lives I'm not sure I could handle him leaving even though I get pretty tired and down about the situation.   As far as our son goes, we initally rented his apartment but he is paying for everything but the alcohol monitoring.  He has been out since Feb 8th and so far so good but it hasn't that been long.  He is talking the talk so we have to see if he walks the walk.  I personally can't deal with anymore of his drama and I think he realizes that I am at my limit both emotionally and financially.  If he messes up one time, no matter what, he will go to prison. That would be a pretty big motivator to most people.  I have to hope that it will be for him. It has taken a toll on our marriage, it is strained at this point because we are so tired all the time.  We have our 30th anniversary coming up in Dec.  With Jordan's custody up in the air at this moment, I hope we will settle down once we know something more permanent.  It is like we are in limbo, can't make too many plans because we don't know what is going to happen. Jordan's parents have court-ordered substance abuse classes to take.  Our son has not started his yet and Jordan's mom has missed almost enough to get kicked out, not to mention she hasg drug tests that come up positive.  Our son's tests have been clean so far and he gets tested one a week. Again, I want to thank all of you for taking the time to give me support.  It truly is greatly appreciated. Patty