dating...do you tell a new person about WLS?

Hi all, I haven't posted on this board before, but I'm about 15 months post surgery, and about 2/3 of the way to my goal weight. I'm trying to live like a "normal" person and trying to date. I have the lapband and I'm wondering, as I'm out there dating and meeting new people, how long I should wait to tell a new guy about the whole WLS thing...or if I should tell him at all. I've been on a few dates with this guy, and things are getting progressively more intimate, but I feel awkward in my new body, self-conscious about scars and (ugh) sagging, and totally scared about taking the next step. The parts of my body that I liked when I was heavier (boobs) are now not so impressive, and I don't even know how I feel about the rest of me just cause I'm totally in transition. To make matters worse, last night I had a great dinner with this guy and then we snuggled on the couch and watched a movie, but my stomach was making gurgling sounds ALL NIGHT! Not like I was sick or gonna pb or anything, just gurgling. I was totally self concious and felt like I couldn't really kiss him cause like mid-kiss my stomach would make a weird noise. And I mean, gurgling is sometimes a part of my life now, I guess...and in some ways it would be easier to explain that to this guy. Anyway, I'm a little panicked just cause after the awkwardness of this date I found myself thinking of my ex, a guy who totally didn't treat me right, but who was safe in many ways cause he was fine with me at my highest weight and he knew all about the surgery and stuff. I don't want to go back to that, but I just feel so vulnerable dating right now. I'd love to hear any of your advice or your own experiences. Do you tell people you are dating about your surgery? And if so, how long do you wait and how do you bring up the subject? Thanks all for your help! Anne

I think you will find that most guys don't mind that you have had WLS. It certainly explains alot of what is going on with you, how you eat, and some other things that he might have questions about but may not want to ask. Also, if your going to be intimate and are going to be self concious about the extra skin, discuss it ahead of time, you will find it to be a weight off your shoulders. Your WLS surgery is nothing to be ashamed of, trust your instincts, if your dating him I assume he is a nice guy and that he will be understanding and proud of you for taking that step to improve your health.

Hi Anne. I have not dated since having wls b/c I've been married for 13yrs now, but I have some thoughts. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to your question~its YOUR comfort level that's most important. If you would feel more comfortable revealing this to him before things get too intimate, then tell him. If he truly likes you for you then wls won't matter~it might just open his eyes and make him more cautious and understanding. I know that self concious feeling all too well~although I look good in clothing, I don't look so great naked! Its hard for me sometimes and I've been in intimate situations with my one and only for many years now. As far as the gurgling goes~I always had that before wls and I still do after wls, so don't stress over that~some people just gurgle more than others,  LOL! Please don't let panic and awkwardness drive you back to a man that's no good for you! Allow yourself some time to adjust to this new you and let your self confidence and happiness shine thru!!! Good Luck to You!!!!!!!!

I live in a small town and I think every girl I meet already knows about  my surgery, and they want to ask questions about it. 

Hello there....I am 13mths out and am kind of struggling with the same thing.  I have chosen to be very private about my experience mostly because I don't think that it is anyone's business and I do not want negative feedback from people about how great I look but I took the easy way out.  I have been seeing the same man for about 10 mths and truthfully....he didn't even notice that I was melting away until I had lost about 50 lbs.  He is quite happy that I am attempting to be the healthiest person I can be.  I find that most people really don't look at the amount of food a "normal person" eats and think nothing of it if you leave food on your plate.  As far as the sagging skin I know what you mean.  I really hate the look of myself sometimes but the reality is that I am no longer 18 years old, will never be 18 again and few people get to be 40+ without some kind of scars (stretch marks, c section, etc).  I cannot change what I have gone through so I have to be strong enough to accept myself for who I am.  I tell people the truth which is that I have been working really hard at losing weight, have already lost quite a bit and am working hard at keeping it off.  If the relationship becomes serious....I might disclose the information at that time.  Having said all that...you will need to do what is comfortable for you.

Hi Anne, I totally understand your concerns and have been in your situation many times.  I've been divorced 12 years and have dated before and after WLS.  Before WLS I was worried about being too fat and being judged for that.  After I started losing weight, I was excited about looking better in clothes, but dismayed about how I looked naked.  Now that I've had several rounds of reconstructive surgery, I feel better about my body, but now I have scars.  So the bottom line for me is, at some point a guy I date will know I've lost lots of weight.   I've tried it several ways, telling them right up front, working it naturally in the conversation (like when ordering an appetizer instead of a meal or mentioning why I don't drink with meals) and waiting several weeks before I bring it up.  Everybody is different, but for me I've decided it's better to bring it up early on.  If they're shallow enough that it bothers them, you find out right away and move on to the next one. WLS is now common enough that most guys know someone at work or have a family member that's gone through it.  I'm naturally a very open person, and just about everybody that knows me knows I've had WLS.  Some people  have misconceptions about it (it's the easy way out, etc.) so I take the opportunity to educate them about it. God help the date that tells a fat joke to me before I mention my WLS.  (Looking at me, people tell me they have no idea I was ever MO.)  They get my lecture on how obesity is the last acceptable prejudice and it's NOT FUNNY!   I'd feel sorry for them if they didn't **** me off so much.....LOL Don't even think about going back to your ex, he's totally not good enough for you.  There are plenty of guys out there who are loving and accepting of whatever baggage you bring to the relationship. As for the gurgling stomach, even "normal" people get that, so I wouldn't think twice about that. You said you have a lap band.  At some point when you're canoodling, he will probably feel your port.  In my opinion, it's better to discuss this in advance than have him wonder what that thing is in your stomach.  That's just the way I feel about it. Anyway, these are just some thoughts I have on the subject.  I totally understand your concerns and I feel for you.  You will decide what's right for you.  Good luck, dating can be stressful, but I'm hopeful that both of us will find the right guy when the time is right. Hugs, Connie -147#

For me, honesty was/is the best policy.  I met my husband online and had shared all about my life before we met in person.  We were married eight months after we met and were not intimate before that.  That is the way it is for me/us. It didn't matter to my husband at all the way I was for so many years, though it is hard for him to see my past pictures, just because he didn't know me that way.  Of course, my beloved is now in a wheelchair and it's hard for me to see pics of him in the past too because he was such a different person then. We are in LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sheryl