Never reached goal, now gaining. Three plus years out.

Happy new year to all WLS folks! I had RNY surgery in August of '03, weighing in at 315. I lost 110 pounds and weighed 205 at my lowest weight. I was a member of TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) up until about six months ago. At that time, I became tired of never being able to get below 200 pounds, and started eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I never did do the exercising. Now I've gained twenty pounds and weigh in at 225. I'm really scared of going back to weighing over 300, but I can't seem to stop eating. I never could. Every day I eat eat eat until I hurt. I've recently signed up for a study at Duke University on exercising. In four months, I will be exercising two hours a day four days a week. They have asked study participants not to diet or exercise until the start of the study. I guess my question, if it is one, is whether I should follow through and wait to learn how to exercise properly, or try to start on my own. (I've never been good at either dieting or exercising, but really don't want to gain my weight back.) I also have arthritis, two bum knees, a plate/pins in my ankle, and am 53 years old. Anyone have tips for someone who has the hand-to-mouth syndrome and can't break it? I have diverticulosis and cannot snack on popcorn, nuts, or anything with seeds. I am addicted to carbs. Still. Plus I drink about 48 ounces of coffee or more per day. I know that I am probably the worst case scenerio for a past surgery person. Maybe that's why I feel so bad most of the time. I'm past the tight-fat-pants stage and into the next size up. I really hope no one else is as bad at caring for themselves as I am, but if you are out there, I would love your advice. God bless all of you who are post op and are able to deal with your new life. I ask God daily to guide me in being a better person to myself. Barb

Hey Barb, I am a 33 year old stay at home mom of 2 amazing girls, with a wonderful, supportive husband that paid cash for my LapBand surgery. I weighed 260 at max and am stuck at 188. I am one of those people that if there is a way to break the rule, then I will find it. Like you, I hate, make that "LOATHE" to excersise and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to eat. I am an overall happy person with "HAPPY" eating habits. My LapBand has helped me to control most of my eating, but I find myself eating bad things. Therefore, not losing like I had wanted to. Which makes me feel even worse because I know how much my husband spent on my surgery, and I feel like I am cheating him as well. I never get on these message boards. Tonight is a first in probably about a year. But I stumbled across your post, and mostly just want to encourage you. I know how you must be feeling. I am happy for you that you are trying the excersise program. I hope you find a sense of enjoyment doing the program. But, if you don't succeed, then I want you to know that God still loves you. He has a purpose for you and maybe it is found somewhere in your weightloss journey. You know, I have always been told, and have personally experienced that the best way to forget your troubles is to help someone else with theirs. Best of luck to you, Barb. You are in my prayers. Hang in there, Charity G.

Wow Charity, God must have sent you to me, or vice versa. I've not been on here in over a year either, just felt drawn here tonight. I'm blessed by God with a wonderful, supportive husband also. He loved me at 300+ pounds and only wants me healthy. He worries about me continuously and knows me better than I know myself. We paid $4,000 for my surgery, because my insurance did not cover it either. The $4K was my part of what vocational rehab did not pay. And that makes me feel guilty even more because I don't know how to break this awful cycle of eating non-stop. I read another post tonight from someone who was offering motivational advice for the new year. It was fitting for our place in the cycle too. The words were wise and gave me hope, as does your message that you understand where I'm coming from. I'm going to turn it over to God, and pray that you and I both find the answer to what will make us healthy. It's hard for me to let go, even to God, but that will be my plan for this year. Resolutions never worked, but maybe prayer will. Love to you in God. Barb

Barb, So good that you recognize what's causing the problem.... "started eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I never did do the exercising..... ....can't seem to stop eating. .... Every day I eat eat eat until I hurt." It's clearly not the surgery, but your actions, and you know that your out of control. Great That you've got prayer in your tool box! God has worked miracles for me... God will steer the boat, but he wants us to keep rowing! Yes? Even though it may seem at first as just another expense, Find a Psyche-Counselor to work through the Emotional Eating issues. Getting at the problem that is the real issue and not just the symptom is important. The good news is that I have seen many folks out here on these boards over the last 5 years Who have had similar issues or regains and got back on track and "Re-Booted" there Weight-Loss. It happens! People succeed every day, and so can you! It may be exercise, it may be eating habits, it may be underlying emotional issues, Whatever the problem, take the shot gun approach and treat them All! That way your sure to hit the target. Yes? Utilize these boards as often as you need to in order to get inspiration, Ideas, tips, tricks, But mostly to keep your goal in your minds-eye! Know that there's a huge crowd of strangers out here ready to pull for you And keep you in our prayers! Best Wishes- Dx

Hello, I am sad because my heart feels your pain! I haven't had any surgery to date but hopefully I will before Valentines Day. I too am terrified that I will never reach goal and just take myself through the tourment of surgery only to continue to yo-yo. I really feel that turning it over to God is the ONLY way to handle it. I will certainly keep you in my prayers. I truly believe that an idle mind is the devils playground becuase it is when we are not busy about God's business that we begin to have a void and our void filling is with food. Try taking time to find and redefine yourself, doing the things (other than eating) that bring you joy! I wish you the best and hopefully since this is the first time ever posting, the next time I will be on the losing side. -Star

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. I had my surgery in 2004 and fell short of my goal as well. For a while I struggled with my head and felt like I had failed. I finally realized that I had not failed. The 120 pounds I lost was a massive success. People that have not had experience with the surgery seem to think the weight just falls off. It doesn't--we have to work for it. We have to work at it mentally and physically with our self care regimens. For me that is hard work and I finally started to give myself credit for every positive choice I make for myself. As I continue to struggle to keep off the weight (now on meds that have helped me put on about 20 pounds) I tell myself to remember my success. I still know what it felt like to buy smaller sizes, to look in the mirror and like the image I saw looking back at me. Most of all, in my down times I try to remember all my reasons for having the surgery in the first place; improved health, improved self esteem, most of all the chance of being around and active in the lives of my loved ones. If I need support from others I have learned to ask for it. I am a counselor and have a great support system. My friends and co-workers are supportive, but also know how to deliver a dose of accountability, challenge me, and provide encouragement as I need it. I wish you success and strength as you continue your journey. It is hard to make yourself a priority, but I tell myself that I am worth it! Keep remembering that it is all about choices, even when we face down our evil enemy of addictive french fries (I believe they are like crack to me. Just one and I'm over the edge!) Good Luck Lisa

You are all so special to me! This advice and reaching out with love is what makes us successful! Lisa, Star and Charity, you are what will make me get back on track. Your words have already helped me get through tonight, and as I come back and read here tomorrow, I'll have another day of being blessed. Thank you and God bless! Your words of wisdom are so helpful! Love, Barb

Barb, I too am 53 so I can relate age wise and we all know it's more difficult the older you are.... I really think all Bariatric programs really miss the mark when they fail to include psych counseling as an ongoing component of their programs....you say you are still addicted to carbs and that you eat to the point of it hurting....sounds like emotional eating to me and I know it well. I think we all need to figure out "what is eating us" so we can figure out WHY we are eating. There is more to this than just calories in, expended energy out. If it were that simple we could all lose without the surgery and live happily ever after, but no, that is only one small part of the puzzle. Most of us hate physical exercise...I'm no exception. I just like the results of it. I really don't like to be restricted either, but...I like the result and have learned where my thresholds are. I'm still losing. I just refuse to give up on my goal and yes, I'm still seeing results.....SLOWLY, but it isn't easy and I do stumble, the difference is that I understand WHY I choose food for a release and in the knowing comes the power to make the changes to keep plugging down the road to success. Let 2007 be the year you discover this about yourself and maybe it will free you to be the person you want to be. {{{{{hugs}}}}} Trisha

Hey Barb ... I can relate as well. During my 15-25th months post-op I gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds! In 10 months!! The entire YEAR prior to surgery I hadn't gained a single pound, and I know I was eating a LOT more. I have since lost that 20 plus an additional 60 (the scale says I've lost a total of 180), but I was and still am freaked out. Most days I also feel heavier than I did at 350. You need to find a way to get off those carbs (I think that was my prob too ... I still cannot keep pretzels or popcorn in the house). Carbs make you crave more carbs. And since I'm not fond of exercise either, I think the trick is finding something that doesn't SEEM like exercise. I would love to take up ice skating again, or dance lessons. I just posted here about the Discovery Health National Body Challenge ... might be a good way to kick-start a program? I'm glad you came back here, I believe there is strength in numbers, and many of us here have been or are going through the same thing. Recognizing the problem is the first step, and hopefully we can all help one another over the humps. Welcome back ... its a new year, let's kick some a$$ (or lose some!) Karyn

P.S. -- I've not reached goal yet either.