need desperate help!! bulimic?

I do not know what to do. I am not sure how to stop. I get so hungry, (most of the time it is just head hunger) and I eat. and eat to where I am so full, I have to make myself throw up for comfort. I can not ever throw it all up no matter how hard I try but I throw up most of it. (half to most) I have gottom to the point where I drench my food what ever it is with some sauce, (catcup on eggs, or baked fries, dressing on salad) just because I know the sauce or what not will make it easier to come back up. ( If it is too dry it hurts, comes back up in dry clumps) I know I need help. I weigh 4-6 times a day I do not have insurance anymore, I can not afford to go to the doc or physc. I just recently moved to Conway Arkansas and do not know if they have a support group meeting here. I looked shortly but did not find anything. It really upsets me, but I do not know what to do. I average vomiting 7-12 times a week. good days I can go with 1-2 times a day and bad days I have seen 4-5 times a day Please if you have insite I need it. I had surgery Sept 8 2005 I have lost 170 lbs from 320 pounds. I stay in 150-154 lb average. I do not vomit with the thought of my weight at all. I vomit because I eat too much and it is the only way to find comfort from the pain after overeating. I know the easy solution would be not to overeat but how do you do that? Plus while i have you hear listening to me, let me tell you another problem I have. I eat only soft foods. I do not eat fried foods bread rice pasta meat i eat mashed potatoes grits scrambeled eggs crackers soups when I do eat meat it is ground turkey cooked in soup all day long in crock pot it is soft and I do no**** more than one bite of the meat. usually if I have meat or something that is not soft food I chew it up and spit it out so I can get the taste of it. I am a year out and I am stuck in the soft foods lifestyle. I do not know if it is because I am scared or because it hurts my tummy. I just do not know. anyways I am going to repost this also on the main board because i really need some help, all the help I can get. I have gotton desperate. Thank you for listening and all of the comments. Jen

Hi Jen. I think most of us suffer from some form of food addiction or we wouldn't have ended up MO. That being said, what your describing could be dangerous to your health. You really need to talk to your surgeon, PCP and/or a therapist. They can help you to figure out why you're doing this and help you to stop it. You have probably subsititued one addiction for another, which is very common for wls patients. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this and also want to say Congratulations on 170lbs lost. Tracy B 328/150 5'9"

Jen, Ok first of all I am glad you realize this is a problem for you that at least is the first step in the right direction. I am about 3.5 yrs out and I realized I was doing this also very often, I really didn't realize how often it was until I was a support group meeting. I would often eat until I get sick, or stuff I knew would make me sick, WHY I don't know but when I saw a pattern starting to form, I quickly started working on it. I never mentioned it to my dietian because I chalked it up to food making me sick. When I finally realized I was heading down a dangerous road, I quickly made adjustments to my eating. Also I read the story about that woman who was in a coma, Teri I think and the husband decided to take her off the life support. WHat I did not know is that she had been overweight,lost a bunch of weight, had a wonderful family but was sercertly bullamic, she had a stroke eventually and thats what put her in the coma. Purging is very hard on the body don't fool yourself, then my dietian also said you only throw up about 20% of the calories. I weigh between 180-185 and I am content with this since I have lots of muscle and work out quite a bit. Find something you like to do and do that when you get that head hunger. Please speak to someone, go to support groups if you can this can develope into a serious health problem. Support groups are usually free and you can get some advice from a professional. You also wanna make sure it is not something physically wrong that is makin you sick, like gallstones, ect.... pls talk to a professional. Take care and I am hopin some of this may help . Kim in Chicago

Jenni, There is no nice or easy way to say this, but you are killing yourself. Is that what you want? If you continue on this course, you will surely wind up in the ER. If you have no insurance, start calling the state and federal agencies till you find some help. That's what I pay taxes for, so I hope you will take advantage of whatever is offered. You don't need a support group, you need one-one-one professional help, maybe even hospitalization for a while. You have an addiction and I understand all too well the compulsion to overeat to fill a hole inside that no amount of food will ever fill. It just numbs you for a while, the same way alcohol or drugs or shopping or sex or gambling numbs the pain. The cost of that numbness is death. You will not find the help you need on a message board. Carole

If you get a chance watch the documentary on HBO entitled "Thin". It is centered around a center for eating disorders and was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever seen. I cried for a half an hour after thinking of my own eating disorder struggle and my addiction issues. It was certainly an eye opener. The pain you see in these women is unlike anything I have ever seen before. It might shed some light on your current situation. I hope you can get some help. Terri

Did you try posting on the Arkansas board? Perhaps someone there could point you in the direction of a support group. http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/AR sue o.

Consider finding and attending an overeaters anonymous meeting near your home. It's free, so you don't need cash or insurance. Many people with bulemia (sp?) and other eating disorders have found help there. I will be praying for you. Hugs, Tracy

Jen, I'm very concerned about you. As another poster said, support groups are nice, but you need one-on-one professional help. The purging is very dangerous. Also the fact is that you are not giving your body the protein and other nutrients it needs. The soft foods (what little are being digested and absorbed) are not high in protein unless you concentrate on eggs, cottage cheese, etc. The high-carb foods you're consuming contribute to your hunger because they stimulate a sharp insulin response which causes a blood sugar crash and hunger. Inquire at a county hospital about assistance with your psychiatric and medical problems. In the meantime, at least try to concentrate on nutrient-dense foods that are also soft (eggs, lowfat cheeses, etc.). Connie -147#

Jenni, I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. (((HUGS))) I'm not going to tell you what you should do. What you are doing to yourself. What is this or that. But instead I want you to know that you are NOT ALONE!!! WLS patients who end up are bulimic or who are anorexic....they dont' talk much!!! Trust me...I know. From first hand experience. There isn't much "out there" in the form of support or 'reading material'. For me it started early post op. Every thing I ate made me sick. For months all I did was throw up. Eat this...throw up. Eat that..throw up. Eat this I would be in such horrific pain and then I'd throw it up. Pretty soon that vicious cycle turned ugly. I remember very vividly the day my PCP-PA whom I trusted dearly told me "honey it is a bad cycle to get into...please let me know or LInda (therapist) know if this is happening more than x amount of times. "Oh' it isn't htat bad". Well, guess what. The denial that got me to weighing 305 lbs. Also landed my ass in the psych unit for 3 weeks last October. For a total of 4 psych. hospitalizations in 9 month period of time. I wasn't eating anything and when I did I would make myself throw it up. Heck all I had to do was cough and it would come up. IT ISN"T A WAY TO LIVE!! The demons with in us are horrible. I struggle EVERY cotton picking day to not make myself throw up. It is a constant battle. I couldn't have gotten to this point w/o a therapist and really good psychiatrist. Try to get info from the local human services offices. Find a dr. or a womans clinic that will see you baed on income ect ect. Get yourself some help!!! It is sooo crucial. You made he first step by posting. By admitting there is a problem. Make the next step. There is a great website online called Something Fishy for eating disorders. When I was in the worst of the worst...I found great comfort reading the posts. Hang in there. Gala