my intake of food is being watched by the food squad

The food squad are my daughters. Let me tell you a little bit so you will understand. I had the gastric bypass september 19th 2005, I have lost 210lbs altogether and my doctor said I lost 40lbs more than he thought I would of, and my nutrionist is very happy and is telling me not to lose anymore than 20lbs awesome. well it is until the food squad starts watching every bite I put in my mouth and they have seen I can eat more than I did 6months ago. Still alot less than I ever ate in the past. I can eat more if I eat my protein in salad or soup. otherwise I have problems with meat and sometimes chicken. They are telling me that they are nervous I am going to gain my weight back and then I will be upset and they would like to know why can I eat more and am I forcing myself to eat, where as 6 months ago they told me I did not eat enough. I am having issues with my private thoughts of my weight and the way I eat in fear they may be right ( which I am sure they are not)I am worried now to eat in front of them and then I say I will eat when they leave. It made me cry that they thought I was sabatoging my self like that. I am scared of eating privatly like I did before so that people will not see how much or little I eat, so I am asking for responses and help with these feelings I am having. Thankyou Amie

Amie: It sounds like you've done remarkable on your weight loss! Congratulations! From what I've experienced, read and talked to other patients, we can eat more than we did at six months. This just affirms that we will always need to stay vigilent in eating proper foods and not the junk that helped put us in the position of needing surgery. It's tough, Amie, there's no doubt about it. I think the majority of us share the same emotions. In regards to your daughters - you should be honest with them. Take time to set down with them and have a calm discussion regarding their "monitoring." Perhaps you may want to tell them you appreciate their concern, but that their approach is making you feel _____ and that you are feeling pressure to go back to old habits. If you are frank and honest with them, they will hopefully understand, be more supportive and find better ways to help you in maintaining your weight loss. Please don't slip back into the bad habits! Some people find that they need to eat more often - but again it should be the right foods. Check with your nutritionist to get their recommendations. Good luck to you! Matt

Hi Amie, wow you have done so well, good for you! I agree with Matt that you need to sit down with your daughters and have a serious discussion. You don't mention how old they are, but I'm assuming they are grown or almost grown. Make sure they are informed about the whole WLS process, for example, it is normal for you to eat more now than six months ago, etc. You need to let them know that their "food police" comments are upsetting to you and are not helpful. Tell them you know they are acting out of love and concern but let them know their comments are giving you unnecessary stress. We all have fears that we will gain our weight back. I still have issues at 3+ years out and I work with a psychologist who is experienced in these issues. You might consider doing this, too. Does your surgical group have a psychologist who you can see who will help you with your fears? You have done such an excellent job with your weight loss, please work with your daughters on this issue, you don't need that kind of stress. Hugs, Connie

Hi Amie! Let me first say Congratulations on your success! You've done a fantastic job! I wouldn't appreciated being monitored either. I'm sure they have the best of intentions~they watched you unhappy, they watched you struggle, they watched you go thru major surgery, they watched you become happier and healthier and I'm sure they are so very proud of you! I liked the advice above on sitting down and talking to them. Just explain how you are feeling and that those feelings are causing you to actually revert back to some old behaviors that might hurt in the long run. I'm sure they will understand. My boys are 9 and 6. For awhile they went thru the stage of always asking "are you 'allowed' to eat that?" which drove me crazy! I'd say "I'm 'allowed' to eat anything, I just chose not to eat certain things!" Finally they got the hint and quit asking that all of the time, but I too felt like I was being monitored or called out every time I put something in my mouth. Lets face it, we're not all perfect every single day~we just do the best we can from day to day and hope for the best! Gaining weight is my biggest fear too~I will never forget where I came from and how hard I've had to work! Good Luck! Tracy B 328/150 5'9"

Dear Amie, When people, even our kids try to control what we eat, one effect is to make us feel that we will take control of our eating even if it means eating ANYTHING we please! This is self-defeating but it's a normal reaction to other people attempting to have control of our food. For many fat people ( and formally fat) control of our lives is huge and food plays a big role. Sometimes, as children or even as wives or girlfriends, our food was all we could have control over , whi*****luded our weight. Learning to control our portions and lose the weight we need to lose is a big challenge even with WLS. Anything that takes us back to the days of our food intake being one of our only means of any control in our lives makes it hard to keep the weight off. So anyone constantly watching and being critical has a negative effect. You have to take charge of this issue and make it clear while you love them and understand their concern, they have to TRUST YOU to take the best care of yourself in this area, period! Remind them that you have all the information you need to choose wisely, and your current weight is the evidence. Maybe share why you eat certain things and offer to help them with any nutrition problems they may feel THEy have. If they don't have any, then you can all eat your own portions without comment, except to enjoy the social time that sharing meals normally means to families.

My mom used to do that to me. She would compare my food intake to that of other members of my family that also had WLS. She would comment on how so and so would never be able to eat that much or how so and so could never eat the the food I ate. SHe would even compare what she ate as not being as much as what I would eat. This happened about 1 year post op. I have to tell you, she does not do that anymore. You have to put your foot down and tell them to stop. It is not healthy for you to feel this way and closet eating is the worst thing ever. I am sorry, but your health and well being is more important than some hurt feelings on their part. Say something and set the record straight. Stand up for yourself. You did not come this far only to be overcome by emotional stress like this. This is how eating disorders are born.

I'm sure your kids are doing their moderating out of love, but you need to tell them how painful it is to you. I know of the direct effect what anyone telling me how to eat has. I've only been successful because my DH and daughter to not monitor my food intake. When I was young, my father was horrid about discussing what I was eating. I hated him and myself for many years. Please talke plainly to your daughters. If they don't understand, then just tell them to stop it. No matter what their age is, you are still their mother, and an adult to boot. Take care of yourself and your feelings. Torrey (281/177/160)

Dear Amie, While reading your post I was immediately concerned about not just you but your daughters. Our culture has so many hang-ups about food, so where are your daughters on that continuum? Do they obsess about their own weight? Do they have negative reactions to their own bodies because of their weight? Is their concern health or appearance? Are they controlling in other aspects of your life? The whole dynamic seems a bit off. Even assuming only the best motives on your daughters part (fear for your health, lack of understanding the "normalicy" of your stage in the process, etc.), I have to agree with the others that you need to talk with them about the negative effects of their behavior. Sometimes people assume that what motivates them will motivate others. So part of what you need to explain is what does motivate you. Give them positive ways to help, since that is what they are trying to do. Is anyone else old enough to remember when Joan Rivers kept mercilessly making fun of Elizabeth Taylor and then claimed that was what got Eliz. Taylor to lose weight? I don't think so! Best of luck, Sally