need advice about DH

ok as many of you know i'm scheduled on monday to have my tubes tied. well dh and i were talking last night and i think reality hit him last night that this is it. no babies. i wanted to make sure that he was ok with this because my biggest fear is that he's going to resent me one day and leave me because he wanted a child. he's known since the day we met that i never wanted children and he was ok with that. then this year he convinced me to try for one child. i agreed but we had some fertility problems so i told him to me that was a sign thae God knows i don't want children. anyway, lasst night all he could talk about was having a baby and what were my reasons for not wanting that. i said i had a list a mile long of why i didn't want to have a baby but only one reason for having a baby. that reason is to make dh happy. that being said i don't want to have a child and resent him later for forcing that upon me. now i'm doubting my decision....anyone have advice?? thanks, Steph

I'm not going to give you advice but will share a story. I had a friend years ago who was married. Both she and her husband had decided from the beginning not to have children. Then a few years later he changed his mind. Out of love for him she had his baby. Then two or three years later they got a divorce. Guess who ended up with custody of the child? She did. Yep, the one who didn't want a child. Of course, she had grown to love the child dearly, etc., but it seemed to me so unfair. So I had my tubes tied when I was 29 and single. (I had to sign a million forms.) This is a huge decision that will affect your entire life. I pray that you will find peace with whatever you decide. Hugs, Connie

thanks for the story connie! that's one of my reasons for not wanting a baby. he wants the child like he had to have a dog...and guess who has to take care of the dog and all that goes with him...ME! i told dh last night that i'd be the one that has to do everything and have all the responsibilities of taking care of the baby and the dog. and my heart just isn't into that. thanks again for the story. i feel a little better now!!

Steph, I know this has to be something you already thought over and I say do what is in your heart. This is your body. Husbands are men who come and go and though not all are the same it seems they are manipulating and why did he wait till last night when he knows your surgery is Monday???? Could it be he feels threatened with your weightloss and working? If so that is his problem. I am married, have one daughter and also had my tubes tied at 30 and I say do what YOU want, if you don't want children I guarentee you will regret being married if you get pregnant. Sending prayers to help with your decision but I think you already made it. Hugs, Ginny

I don't think it's my place to give advice on such a personal issue. With that said, though ... the only thing that comes to my mind is that this ultimately can only be YOUR decision to make ... and only you will live with any consequences that come along with whatever your decisions ends up to be.... Given that this IS such a major life-affecting decision, though, I think that, if it were me, I'd want to consult with a mental health professional (eg. therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist etc etc) ... TO talk things out loud (for myself) with a neutral third party... have you done that at all or thought of doing that ahead of going ahead with the surgery? Since this is a 'can't turn back once it's done' situation, I'd want to make sure that whatever decision *I* make is one that *I* can live with the rest of my life, no matter what happens. Not sure if anything I've said helps, or makes sense ... but I do wish you the best of luck with EVERYTHING and with whatever you ultimately end up doing! Take care, Carol

Since I like to play devil's advocate, allow me to ask some questions just to help you think things through: 1) If you are already infertile, why have a surgery you possibly/probably don't need? 2) Since the reality is that he DOES want a child, have you considered having some of your eggs frozen so that if you do change your mind, you can then plan a pregnancy? 3) Have you two considered fostering a child? It's temporary parenthood and not always the good stuff, so it would be a great way to test and see how both of you really feel about kids. He may discover that he likes the idea of kids, but not the reality. You may discover the opposite. I think that you should wait since both of you are having doubts that this is the direction you both want to go. You can always do it later if you realize that it's what you really want. --BT

Wow Steph, what a tough position. I think you have to follow your heart on this one. You don't want him to resent you down the road, but that works the other way too~you don't want to end up resenting him if you have a child that you really don't want. I hope you can both work thru these feelings and decide what's best for you! Hugs, Tracy B

I really don't have any advice for you. Why would you have surgery if you are already having fertility problems? I have two different stories one was in the same situation as you DH wanted a child and my friend did not. They ended up having a child and they are both very happy with the one child. The other story is the DH wanted a large family and the wife only wanted one child once they started their family their points of veiw did a total turn around. You don't want to resent your husband or an unwanted child. I would look into seeking professional help with or without your husband. This is a decision that needs to be made between you and your husband. What happens if you and your husband do not make it and you meet someone else that you may want a child with. You are very young and you never know if you will change your mind. I also have my best friend you never wanted children then after 7 years of marriage unecpectedly became pregnant. She is very happy with her almost 3 year old and would never trade him for the world. This is such a tough and personal decision to make. I would do a little more soul searching before committing to such a life altering surgery. Once you have this done insurance will not pay to have your tubes untied. Good Luck!

Some women are just not maternal. Me included. I had one child, a son, who is almost 30. While I love him dearly, the early years were really rough. His dad was a non-dad. It was all left up to me. If I had it all over to do, would I have a child? I don't think so. I agonized the whole time he was growing up, "am I doing a good enough job at raising him so he isn't screwed up?" I worried constantly that I didn't have enough maternal instinct. But somehow, he turned out to be a really good person, kind, caring and loving. I'm still amazed at how he turned out. So I guess I must have done something right. You have to do what you feel is right for you.