Would you say anything?

I'm feeling strange about something and need some input. I have a friend/co-worker who is also a WLS post-op of more than 4 years. She appears to be struggling mightily with re-gain. She had lost probably 100 pounds or more initially having gone from about 285 down to around 180. She's very tall and big-boned, and can carry her weight well. But lately I have noticed she is really getting big, and I would estimate that she's somewhere around 220 or maybe more. She was a great support for me after my surgery and we've had many discussions about post-op life. But not lately. I just don't feel like I can say much right now, and she doesn't appear open to discussions like we used to have. And of course, I know where she's coming from. I remember the days of WW or some other diet, and while you're doing really well, you don't mind talking about it all, but when you're "off" of it, that's the last thing you really want to talk about. I just feel really bad about it, and I have a sense that she's suffering in silence. I would love to help her, but just don't feel that I could say something without offending her. Believe me, I'm not perfect either, and I'm battling my own re-gain demons (I was 3 yrs post-op in Sept). I do miss our discussions and the supportiveness we once had, so this is about me as well as about her. Would you do or say anything, or just let it go? I don't want to offend, just to help. But sometimes it isn't possible to help without offending. Thanks, Carlita

Why don't you start off talking about your regain and see if she says anything. Maybe she'll say that she regaining too and that you can help each other. Good luck!

Thanks, that's a good idea. I could try to get some alone time with her so as not to risk embarrassment. I appreciate your input.

That does sound like it might be a good way to approach things. Its such a hard spot to be in b/c you want to help and you want to continue the friendship, but it sounds like things are a bit strained right now due to this issue. I think its better to discuss it in some way so your friendship won't suffer. It seems like you're a very supportive, caring person so I don't think you'll offend your friend. Good Luck! Tracy B

Thank you, Tracy, for your supportive response. I always appreciate your posts here. Have a lovely holiday! Carlita

I agree with Former Fat Chick--could you somehow make it a self-confession and see if she opens up a bit--or discourages the conversation. Maybe when you two are alone, you could say something like "Are you dreading all the food coming up in the next month as much as I am? I'm already struggling with some re-gain, and now here come the holidays . . ." or maybe "Even though I thought I'd prepared and heard everything about this surgery ahead of time, I still didn't realize how hard it is to keep it off. People think this is the easy way out, but I'm struggling a lot with re-gain . . ."--or just something like that, whatever sounds natural to you. Then I think you just have to follow her lead. You're right; we've all "been there" and it's really tough, whether it's happening to us or to someone we know and care about. Jo

Jo: Your suggestions are great! Thank you very much for responding. I will mull this over while we are off on the Thanksgiving holiday, and consider how I'm going to approach my friend when we return. I appreciate your response. Carlita

I would be upfront and tell her how much you miss your talks and discussions. Share how you are battling your regain demons and would love someone to talk to. Maybe ask if she could do lunch or go on a walk with you weekly so that the two of you can support one another. Just come clean, but don't address her isssues, let her bring those to the table. I remember how I would run everytime anyone "confronted" me and my weight issues. I am only six months out so don't know what your going through... However, the music teacher at school came up to me at lunch and started commenting on my lunch. Questioning me about whether my lunch was doctor approved, if I was watching my intake and vitamins. The way she did it kind of put me on the defensive. I realize it is just her, but I am still so sensitive...oh well, we all have to learn. Good luck...the two of you could be such a support for one another. I hope it works well. I think it will if you come at it from that angle...support for one another. LOL...

Thank you, Cyndi, for such a thoughtful response. My fear is, indeed, that I will put her on the defensive. She is and has been a very private person about her WLS, except with me and a couple of other co-workers who had it also, so it's a bit intimidating for me to contemplate speaking with her about it. And as you said, this is because we all know how we've felt when someone confronted us in the past about weight issues. But I'm going to have to try, because it's on my mind and in my heart, so I know that it needs to be addressed. Thanks again, and best wishes for your continuing success. Carlita

Perhaps you could convince her to help you with your plan to get back on track. A noon hour walking session or joining a gym together. Sharing menu plans. If you can tweak her interest in helping you, then she will likely decide to help herself too. Tell her you could really use a "buddy" right now. Good luck and Many Blessings Karen G