Not wanting to maintain...

I've been maintaining between 151 and 155 for months. Since I was about 9 months out, actually... My doc set my goal at 170, absolutely no lower than 150. While I was happy where I was, I really, really wanted to see 149, just to say I did. Well, 2 weeks ago, I started losing and I'm down to 146. Good, right? Sure, except now I'm having problems, mentally, wanting to stop. I'm starting to restrict myself, even when I'm hungry. I'm getting maybe 800 calories at 17 months out. I'm liking seeing the scale go down just a little too much and it's starting to make me nervous... I have other things going on in my life, a lot of stress, personally and career-wise. I realize I need to do something - talk to someone about it, and I'm going to, but in the meantime, I'm getting a little concerned about my new 'habits'. Can any of ya'll relate to what I'm saying?

Yeah, I can as a matter of fact. My drs. goal is 140 and I'm at 144. I've started losing again and am actually feeling kind of weak. I take my vits religiously but I feel I'm losing too much too fast but, like you, I like seeing the scale go down and secretly, I want to see 135. I'm not too concerned yet but if I stil feel that way when, and if, I get down to 135 then I suppose I too better talk to someone. Linda

Hello my gorgeous flapper! Boy oh boy, can I relate to the addiction of "seeing the scales go down" - granted, it wasn't enough to help me in the initial "maintaining stages" 2+ years ago - since I managed to gain 22 pounds shortly after obtaining a healthy BMI. It required a lotta hard work to take it back off and Im going to try like hell to avoid any more up-swings. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I absolutely do relate to the extreme adrenaline high that comes with watching the scales go down - and the fear or emptiness that replaces it when the weight loss stops - regardless that its stopped at a healthy goal. Seeing the scales go down, week after week, after YEARS of failed diets (my average successful diet probably lasted one month - two months if I want to give myself the benefit of a doubt). SO, for that number to expand to 20 months in a row? WOW, it became a euphoric state'a mind for me which was injected into my day to day life for 603 days running, courtesy of my scales. When the scales finally balanced out and the euphoric high that had replaced my food addiction dissapated - I truly felt an intense period of mourning and even fear, which in turn led to irrational thinking on my part, and possibly yours? [ie, your sequestering true hunger and/or living on such few calories a day, etc]. Every thing had come to a halt in my journey and a huge sense of "now what?" kept rising to the forefront. I finally had to slap some sense into my 'stinkin thinkin' and realize that I was FINALLY where I'd always wanted, begged, cried, pleaded to be - at a normal weight. I accepted that the adrenaline rush of "losing" had to be replaced by other things and started focusing on all the wonderful things Im CAPABLE of doing now. LOL, of course, the downside to that? Lots of the stuff I like to do, also requires money - so that might be a whole other addiction for a whole 'nother thread. Trust your instincts (the ones that prompted you to post this) and trust your friends, who know you and love you - after spending so much time with you in real space in Lexingtong- trust me, sweet lady, you do NOT need to lose any more weight. You're perfect, you're beautiful, you're healthy, you're vibrant. Don't sacrifice your new found health for a lower number on a scale! Love ya' [way more then my luggage] .....Lei

Becky, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I haven't been doing well the past month especially and have seen myself reach my limit this morning, as of today I am getting back on track, I've thrown things in the trash to get them out the house. My food choices have gone well today, I'm not even hungry.....I usually am not hungry but the head hunger has been giving me fits. I saw 119 lbs for a while several times (even saw 116 lbs when I was sick), just haven't been able to stay there *sigh*, I am going back there if it kills me. I for some reason like to know I can weigh below 120 lbs, my husband is on my butt to stop it. I just can't seem too. I miss the rush of seeing the scale going down. Seeing 125.2 this morning was a wake up call. If you get any wisdom on how to stop this cycle, I'm sure I'll benefit from it too. Dana

I can definitely relate. I reached my goal but my mind keeps thinking... well, I wouldn't look so bad with another 5 lbs off. Then I get that 5 lbs off (for a few days anyway) and think... hmmm, a few more wouldn't hurt. It is truly a vicious, vicious cycle. I think it goes on for many reasons: 1. The number on the scale plays head games with us. We look at weight charts and think "well, I'm only just into a normal BMI... I'd like to be more within the range - maybe the middle will be good". Well, we have to remember where we came from. Being obese for years or heck pretty much a lifetime leaves us with extra skin that accounts for pounds and a heavier skeleton. Our bones bulk up so as to not collapse under our excess weight. We do lose some bulk along with the weight but not all of the extra. With those two things alone, BMI charts are truly unreasonable and we cannot really compare ourselves to others that haven't been down the same road or worst yet... comparing ourselves to what we weighed much younger in life. Our bodies have aged and been through alot so a higher number than then is appropriate let alone the skin/bones thing. 2. We are definitely addicted to losing. We love that adrenalin rush that comes with seeing the number go down. Hard to break that addiction. 3. We do not know what it means to maintain. We do not know what to do. We have probably never made a concerted effort in our lives to maintain a weight. I never had to think about maintaining before. I was either fat and could care less about it or I was dieting. There were no other "states" or "conditions" of being. Maintaining? Duh? What's that. 4. The thought of adding in extra food to cause maintenance scares the beejeebers out of us. We are so afraid of gaining that we'd rather stick with our piddly intake and keep losing then add food in and risk seeing that number creep up on the scale. It paralizes us. How to figure out how much to add in without going overboard is tough. 5. We see others losing and riding that wonderous ride and want to be in their shoes again. I now see folks who had surgery 6 months or even a year after me and I see their weights dropping and I almost feel like I'm standing still and they are passing me by. That could be appropriate given their height and frame but it is a strange feeling to me. A jealousy or envy, perhaps? I'm not competitive by nature but something brings it out in me. 6. Is this all there is? We have reached goal. The world is supposed to be wonderful - well, what if it isn't? Weight loss doesn't fix all the problems in our lives. Many put their lives on hold til they lose weight and once they get there they are shocked to see that they still have problems and gasp... they are still miserable or unhappy. If you keep losing maybe things will improve, right? Gotta be? Weight loss may fix your body in so very many ways but it doesn't fix your problems whether they are emotional issues, relationship issues or even food issues. All those things have to be worked on too. I never expected weight loss to fix me. I'm more active now and I'm far more healthier but I definitely have things that I need to work on to make me happy. I have to figure out how to do that. And no, more weight off ain't gonna fix it. I've droned on enough about this. So, yea, I do understand. It is never enough but we have to step back and look at things from the outside. How do we look realistically? Do we look an appropriate size for our heights given the extra skin we carry with us. More weight off isn't going to fix that. Sometimes getting outside views is helpful. Or seeing yourself in pictures. I definitely see myself smaller in pics. Kathy

i know i get like this at times too! especially if the scale goes up. i start telling myself i'm full halfway through my meal and then being hungry later. i just start drinking to try and satisfy myself. it's hard after being on that high for sooooo long! but i unfortunately hit an all time low of 139 and bounced back to 155 and my body is just staying there. i think part of my problem is the number is higher than i want BUT i also have a lot of excess belly skin. that makes it harder for me because i know there is all that skin that likes to fill up my pants!! when i look at my arms and legs i think man i am skinny but it's the belly and that makes me want to starve myself to get rid of it but i know i can't without plastics. just know that you're never alone on this board. i've learned that whatever it is that i'm going through someone else is or has been through the same thing.

I, too, got caught up in the "high" of losing. I reached goal of 135 pounds within 10 months of surgery. It is so exciting to step on the scale and see another 1,2, or even 3 pounds leave your body. My husband, bless his heart, started expressing concern about losing too much. Don't know what made me finally listen, but one day out of the blue I had a serious talk with myself.....It went something like this....."Sharon, you paid all this money out of your pocket to become healthy. You were an out of control diabetic with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and struggling to just make it through another day. Why are you trying to make yourself sick again - just in another way - by becoming too thin?" For me it was all about becoming healthy - I had reached that goal - thanks to WLS, why would I sabatoge all the hard work, pain, etc., to become ill again? Sometimes those food addictions transfer to another type of addition, so we must be ever viligant that we don't harm ourselves despite ourselves. I would highly recommend a support group, a visit to a counselor, or maybe a good talking to yourself to help bring you back to why you really had the surgery in the first place.... We are all human, we all are addicts, and thank God we all have OH to vent, share, and express concern and love to our sisters/brothers in the journey. I wish all of you continued success as we deal with our food demons and the various paths they lead us to. Sharon

I can relate too. I do get a "high" when I see the scale move down. Early post op we got that high weekly or even daily, but now just maintaining seems kind of boring. Also, the attention is not as focused on us anymore b/c everyone is now used to seeing us at a normal weight, BUT if we begin to lose again, the focus might be shifted back to us as you're looking too thin, you need to stop losing, etc. Its a game I play in my mind alot sometimes. I too have been right around 150lbs for several months now and would LOVE to see 149lbs~why??? I really don't know??? Just to say that I did it?? just to prove that its doable? Just b/c I feel like it??? Kind of warped thoughts on my part, but they do go thru my head. So, you're not alone and I'm kinda glad to know that I'm not alone either. Tracy B 328/150 5'9"

Sigh........ I totally understand.... When I got down to 118.. I LOVED being underweight for the first time!!! Everyone was freaking out saying I looked anorexic and the doctor even pressured me to gain weight. I am regretting forcing myself to gain weight. I hit goal at 13 months. I had lost 175 pounds in those 13 months. It took me a year to gain 10 pounds back on purpose (doctor's orders). When I got these boobs (believe it or not, I am only a "full c", its just that I am barrel chested (size 38) that makes them stick out and look bigger). I do feel comfortable at 130-135 but I miss my size 4's. I really was skeletal though. However.. seeing Kathy S, Melissa Mermaid and Cathi (MOM), I feel so "fat" now and miss being as thin as they are. I have had 3 major surgeries this past year and I would drop a chunk like 7 pounds but then it seemed like my skin got really flabby and my implants would shift. It also seems like if I am below 130 to like 128, I get sick and colds more often. I look at the pictures and I think its the boobs that are making me look fatter. I really feel like I need to be back in the 120's but like I said.. my body seems to like it here. My first year I went from almost 300 to 118. I gained 10 pounds the second year. I have been maintaining 130-135 for FOUR years now.. so I guess my body likes it here... sigh. But I want to be MOM and Kathi S' size again!!!!!!! I wanna be underweight again! I totally understand. Like the above poster said... we have never "maintained" before. It has been weird being the same weight for four years and not gain all my weight back and 50 pounds more. It is very boring and uneventful. I just try hard and get myself involved in other people's weight loss successes. I am looking forward to Kelle's loss and seeing her get out of her wheelchair/scooter. I hate looking fat in my pictures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dana

Shoot just stand next to me and you'll feel as thin as you LOOK *grin*