I CHICKENED OUT TODAY.....
I think you know the right answer.
how much $ is your health worth?
if you need to go to a different Dr, no ones job is to lecture you, but your health care professionals need to be honest, up front and open, even if it not what you want to hear. (thank GOD my Dr was straight with me, or I never would have had wls)
it is your job to listen and also be open, up front and honest. both with the Dr and yourself.
thank you willow. i come here, probably hoping for a little "tough love", from people who understand. my health is worth a lot, i got 3 great kids who need me. and right now i don't know how good i am to them when i am always feeling exhausted.
the other person who said i wasn't "ready"....i haven't been ready. i do not want to gain any weight back, bottom line. but i think there may be other issues and i have to be open and honest like you said, and deal with them. thank you so very much!
hugsssssssss
Mary Jo,
PLEASE don't take this wrong... I seriously think you need this. You are not taking care of yourself and I think you really may be harming yourself in the long run. I think there might be a lot more going on your aren't saying here and I understand, but PLEASE get help by what ever means that might be. I DO care about you!
Amy
Mary Jo,
First of all - I MISS YOU!!!!! ((((GARGANTUAN HUGS)))) 
Ya know what? I can totally identify with what you are experiencing.... strange thing is, sometimes you have to see the story happening in someone else's life because you just can't see it happening in your own. Sometimes, we are just too biased or far too deep in denial to see what we are up to in our own lives.
You know my story: In June 2005 I weighed 250 pounds, wore sizes 3x and 22/24 and some 26's. Today, I weigh 122 and wear baggy size 2's in womens clothing and 5's in juniors. Every single person I know tells me I'm too thin. People pester me on a daily basis - checking in to see what I'm eating today. They tell me I have surpassed healthy looking and that I look sickly now. 90% of the time, I think they are NUTS - especially when I look down at my thighs and gut.
Then, there is the other 10% of the time. A brief glimpse of myself walking up to a glass door and not believing that the boney skeletal chick with the space between her legs and the shape of her pelvis showing - is ME - like, why doesn't it look that way in MY mirror????? Then, I think back on all the times in my life when I thought I looked good - only to see pictures later that revealed more truth than I was willing to swallow. I wonder, is this the case now? How could so many people be wrong - how could I be the only RIGHT person????
And so..... the battle ensues in my mind - DAILY
There's this secret part of me that longs to see that scale drop - like it was doing all along that first year. I secretly long for that THRILL - that RUSH that comes with being the victor over another pound. The truth is, I don't want to gain another pound as long as I live. I want to get as low as I can for FEAR of gaining anything at all in the future. As big a buffer zone as I can get. After years of being the largest woman in the room, I secretly long to be the smallest woman in the room. This is the truth that lurks in the dark recesses of my mind.
DAILY I struggle with the reality that everyone around me is right and cares about me. I think of the times when pictures crushed my memories and how I don't want it to happen ever again. These aren't just my pictures, my memories - they are my children's, my husband's, my parents, all of my loved one's too. The REAL truth is that I have an eating disorder - always have - from one extreme to the other. That doesn't make it okay to allow myself to be this way.
So, I eat. I love my children. I look deep into their eyes - imagining the many years to come. I envision what it will be like when they reach all the milestones that will come and where I will fit into the picture. I envision the potential joys and sorrows that will come their way. The last thing I want is to be a source of their sorrow - especially not the kind of sorrow that they speak of for the rest of their lives. I imagine my grandchildren. What will they be like? Will I get to know them and love them too? Will I be in their lives long enough for them to remember me always? What if I fall ill? What buffer zone will I have in my weight to sustain me and keep me alive for them, if I already weigh too little and leave my body no resources to pull from? I've seen that happen to someone I loved very much. We lost her. Forever. She never got to meet my children. How that makes my heart ache even to this very day. Am I risking the same?
So, I eat. Even when it repulses me. I eat. I have my good days and I have my bad. I average 1600-1800 calories on a good day. It only takes one day of less than 1000 calories or extra excerise and I drop a pound. Sometimes I "toy" with it. Just to see if it still works. I don't know - maybe this is me just trying to prove that I'm in control. My goal is 125-130.... for now. Baby steps. Maybe I'll increase it. I'm still working on it. I have a feeling that I'll always be working on it.
WOW.... this is long. But the point of it is to let you know that you are not alone. This is real. It happens to more of us than are willing to admit. Don't ignore though Mary Jo. I love you. Look inward - deep into the dark recesses of your mind - see what you are up to. Look around you. Listen. Envision. Draw yourself a finish line on two separate sheets of paper. On one, put all your skinny desires - on the other nothing about weight - only about the blessings that come from LIFE, living, your family, your hopes. See where the REAL finish line is - and run for that one. Make your appointment and GO. Don't wait for the 2-year mark. It's too far away.
Pam
Ya know what? I can totally identify with what you are experiencing.... strange thing is, sometimes you have to see the story happening in someone else's life because you just can't see it happening in your own. Sometimes, we are just too biased or far too deep in denial to see what we are up to in our own lives.
You know my story: In June 2005 I weighed 250 pounds, wore sizes 3x and 22/24 and some 26's. Today, I weigh 122 and wear baggy size 2's in womens clothing and 5's in juniors. Every single person I know tells me I'm too thin. People pester me on a daily basis - checking in to see what I'm eating today. They tell me I have surpassed healthy looking and that I look sickly now. 90% of the time, I think they are NUTS - especially when I look down at my thighs and gut.
Then, there is the other 10% of the time. A brief glimpse of myself walking up to a glass door and not believing that the boney skeletal chick with the space between her legs and the shape of her pelvis showing - is ME - like, why doesn't it look that way in MY mirror????? Then, I think back on all the times in my life when I thought I looked good - only to see pictures later that revealed more truth than I was willing to swallow. I wonder, is this the case now? How could so many people be wrong - how could I be the only RIGHT person????
And so..... the battle ensues in my mind - DAILY
There's this secret part of me that longs to see that scale drop - like it was doing all along that first year. I secretly long for that THRILL - that RUSH that comes with being the victor over another pound. The truth is, I don't want to gain another pound as long as I live. I want to get as low as I can for FEAR of gaining anything at all in the future. As big a buffer zone as I can get. After years of being the largest woman in the room, I secretly long to be the smallest woman in the room. This is the truth that lurks in the dark recesses of my mind.
DAILY I struggle with the reality that everyone around me is right and cares about me. I think of the times when pictures crushed my memories and how I don't want it to happen ever again. These aren't just my pictures, my memories - they are my children's, my husband's, my parents, all of my loved one's too. The REAL truth is that I have an eating disorder - always have - from one extreme to the other. That doesn't make it okay to allow myself to be this way.
So, I eat. I love my children. I look deep into their eyes - imagining the many years to come. I envision what it will be like when they reach all the milestones that will come and where I will fit into the picture. I envision the potential joys and sorrows that will come their way. The last thing I want is to be a source of their sorrow - especially not the kind of sorrow that they speak of for the rest of their lives. I imagine my grandchildren. What will they be like? Will I get to know them and love them too? Will I be in their lives long enough for them to remember me always? What if I fall ill? What buffer zone will I have in my weight to sustain me and keep me alive for them, if I already weigh too little and leave my body no resources to pull from? I've seen that happen to someone I loved very much. We lost her. Forever. She never got to meet my children. How that makes my heart ache even to this very day. Am I risking the same?
So, I eat. Even when it repulses me. I eat. I have my good days and I have my bad. I average 1600-1800 calories on a good day. It only takes one day of less than 1000 calories or extra excerise and I drop a pound. Sometimes I "toy" with it. Just to see if it still works. I don't know - maybe this is me just trying to prove that I'm in control. My goal is 125-130.... for now. Baby steps. Maybe I'll increase it. I'm still working on it. I have a feeling that I'll always be working on it.
WOW.... this is long. But the point of it is to let you know that you are not alone. This is real. It happens to more of us than are willing to admit. Don't ignore though Mary Jo. I love you. Look inward - deep into the dark recesses of your mind - see what you are up to. Look around you. Listen. Envision. Draw yourself a finish line on two separate sheets of paper. On one, put all your skinny desires - on the other nothing about weight - only about the blessings that come from LIFE, living, your family, your hopes. See where the REAL finish line is - and run for that one. Make your appointment and GO. Don't wait for the 2-year mark. It's too far away.
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