Addicted to losing or missing the rush?

I try to be honest with myself about this. I get on the scale each and every day and I have to admit that even though I'm just a wee bit under the goal weight I set for myself so very long ago... I wonder if I'm a bit addicted to losing or do I just miss the rush? There is definitely a rush that I get when I see the number go down. It is nice to feel clothing fit better or better yet get loose. It is nice to get compliments, get told you look great or even the S-word "skinny". No question, when I go to my state board and I see folks even new post-ops that are dropping weight by leaps and bounds... I miss that and to be honest, I'm jealous. I miss the WOW moments because there were so many along my journey. I miss some of the attention that I got. I miss seeing the changes in myself. I am not pushing myself to lose more weight. I am trying to get my bodyfat percentage down, build more muscle and to tone my body via exercise - cardio and weights. And I do not do it obsessively either. I'm pretty reasonable. I don't micromanage every bite but I do pay attention to what I eat. Anyway, just thinking about some things. Kathy

I am almost two years out and yes i agree the rush I got from losing weight and all the compliments have faded. It is old news, even though I am not at goal. I have only lost 10 pounds this last year. I now obsess over what my daughter eats, she is slightly chubby and it just kills me. I feel like such a failure letting her get that way. Morgan came out big and just kept getting bigger! She has never been below the 95th percentile for weight or height since her first well baby check up. There is no junk in the house and she is in soccer, swimming, ballet and gymanastics. She eats healthy food and is active so I will just have to keep an eye on her. I do not want to make her self conscious or feel badly about herself.

Hi Kathy. I feel that way sometimes too. I miss seeing that number on the scale go down b/c I always felt like I had accomplished something! After years of dieting, its pretty much all we know. I've never been able to maintain a weight for very long (except 328lbs) so all my life its been my battle. Now that I've won the battle I worry if I will be able to continue to stay a winner or not~that scares me the most. Tracy B

Hey Toots ... Look, I kinda figured out that this weight loss thing is sort of like having a baby ... All the fuss about your body changes and all the attention. Then you have the baby (lose the weight) and there's a bit of residual attention. But eventually everybody gets used to the way things are and goes about their business. The rush is over and postpartum (i.e., post weight loss) depression sets in. I've done this so many times it isn't even funny (remember I've lost well over 100 lbs FOUR TIMES pre-op and gained it all back -- and more). Now the rush has to come from within. Continue pushing yourself beyond your boundaries. I still get a rush putting on my clothes everyday and seeing they still fit. I keep trying to prove to myself that I'm cheating myself but I can buy off the rack without fail. Who'd ever think I'd be wearing a slim style pant? At my thinnest in the past (and I was mistaken for a ballerina once), I was still wearing relaxed fit. Do whatever you can to continue giving yourself that rush. Keep working on the BFI ... Keep seeing what else your body can do ... Me ... Muscular legs? It's happening ... When we open the door to possibilities so many things can enter. Yeah, there will still be the mundane BS ... Yeah, there will still be setbacks ... Yeah, there will still be hassles ... We must let go of the tape in our heads that "if only we'd lose the weight our lives would be perfect." I heard that my entire childhood from well-meaning family members who were just "trying to take the weight off Melissa." The reality is that when we walk out the door and see a stranger for the first time, they usually have no idea of how far we've come. They take us for face value. We still have to prove ourselves. They don't care jack-**** where we came from. They only know what they're looking at during that actual moment in time. But we're on a journey and we want to keep moving forward in the journey ... That should always be our objective ... Our destination is still unknown ... Therein, m'dear lies the rush! Love & Hugs & Kisses, MM Weighing in below 130 since June 2006 & a Size 2! Started at 321 lbs @ 5'6" (now I'm 5'7" and change ) and ... I"M FIFTY-FREAKIN' YEARS OLD!

Kathy, I too miss the WOW moments and the excitement of the scale moving. I'm obessessed with the scale still today, I weigh 4-5 times a day even though I know I'll weigh more in the afternoon/night I can't stay off the scale. I was talking to another WLS patient from the Texas board the other day and she is going through this also. Once we get to goal or the weight loss comes to a halt, it's hard to stay motivated to "be good". I love Melissa's analogy, something to think about. In the mean time, I'll just keep plugging away hoping to remain below or at goal and stay focused in the long term, I surely do not want to be MO again, it frightens the heck out of me. Dana

I think I'm glad the rush is over. I didn't like being noticed. I like to think that most of the people in my life were happy that I was losing, but I know that there were/are several that have me under a microscope still to see if I can keep it off This Time. Very few know I've had WLS. Only my DH, children, and their spouses in my family know. I just didn't want to go from being the freak MO lady to being that freak lady that had WLS. I just want to be normal. I don't think I've become obsessed regarding a certain number on the scale, but I do want to have a BMI that is within the normal range. That is my goal. I'm 5'4" so that means I need to be in the low 140's. I am completely content with my looks and my health is wonderful so know I'm a total success story, but I need something to work towards. Actually, being obsessed about all this is totally self-centered. We take away what we can be doing for others by obsessing so much over ourselves. Becky

Hi Becky. I get what you're saying. I too feel like I'm under a microscope sometimes and I know for a fact that there are a few people just waiting for me to fail~in fact, I think they are wishing this for me~and little do they know that it only fuels me more to succeed!!!! I did like all of the attention either~I felt ackward at times. Tracy B 328/150 5'9"

Talk about the fuel.... I work with a bunch of guys and for the most part I love it. I don't have to deal with all the catty crap of other women, or so I thought. Several weeks ago one of the guys brought in doughnuts. I love doughnuts and made the HUGE error of saying that I could not resist them. I actually ate 2 that day. For the next 2 weeks they brought in doughnuts everyday and were constantly making comments about "Becky, the doughnuts are calling you" or "Becky, this one has your name all over it" or "Becky, we took all the calories out of these".... just on and on. There were several times I actually thought about going in there and sneaking one... The thing that kept me from NOT getting into those doughnuts was NOT this huge inner strength or willpower, but it was absolute meanness - they fueled something in me..... I just kinda blew them off, made it out to be no big deal, yawn, whatever. It worked and there hasn't been any doughnuts around here in a while. Many people talk about wanting to help, but let someone get down or show weakness and there are all kinds of people just waiting to give them a good, swift kick while they're down. I'm blue today. Becky

Hey Kathy, I can relate, but more from an "oh wow, I remember that THEN"... As you know we call this a JOURNEY. Indeed it is! When I was at your length of time post-op my HEAD was pretty close to where you've described. I WAS addicted - more to CONTROLLING my body for the FIRST TIME in my life - the numbers dropped and I MADE THEM DO IT. I remember having different goals during that time: 1st was under 200. Then size 16, then size 14 then 12 then 10 then 8 then 6 then 4 then.... I was just getting into a size 2. I was thin. My mind was intoxicated with the power and the loss and the new clothes and the attention and the sexy-way I was feeling (new attention) and , and, and... One day I walked up to a mall entrance and saw this little old lady & my heart skipped a beat - I was looking at my own reflection and was shocked by it! I saw TOO thin. When I began processing this mentally, I KNEW I felt as bad as I looked. For me, my body liked a little more weight. (it FELT better!) Okay, that was then. Long story - short - I worked hard to regain some weight. My focus and what drove me SHIFTED. I focused on how my BODY FELT. She knew where she wanted to be! By the way - she liked gaining! She (I sure did!) gained TOO MUCH (15ish too much) - but re-gained CONTROL and lost the excess. As a result I've maintained the same weight (within 3 or 4 lb) for over 3 years now. (right in IDEAL range!) Now, in THIS PHASE of the journey I'm obsessed about things that don't relate to food or food intake. I'm "looking outward" more and being more involved in my family & friends & community. Recognize that you're experiencing a very NORMAL part of the journey. Also remind yourself that this is for the LONG HAUL. This is LONG TERM. You cannot possibly maintain the same loss experiences. Now is time to JOURNEY on to the next "leg"! I pray it's an amazing EXCITING "next"! You're awesome! Keep up the "re-programming"!