Identy Crisis

I am two years out and am having a bit of an identy crisis. I guess I just want to know if anyone else ever feels this way and how do you cope? How do you find yourself again? How did you get used to the person you now see in the mirror. This is actually an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my daughter which was the first time I voiced what I am feeling. Now there is one area I need to try to explain to you. You probably won't understand because you can't feel it but I will try. During the past 2 years I have lost a part of me. I guess I could say I have lost almost half of myself. I knew who I was before. I had confidence in me and who I was. I was not ashamed of whom I was and I could look in the mirror and know who was going to look back at me. In two weeks I am going in to the hospital to have yet another part of me cut off and thrown in the garbage like some old trash. I will again be a different shape and someone who I just don't even know. I used to be a happy person with self confidence but now I don't know who I am. You talk about having to find out who you are try my position for a day. I could handle anything before. I had a coping mechanism that worked for me. If anything bothered me I could find solace in food. I don't have that any more. Now I have to face things without my protection of fat without food and without a familiar face to look at. I used to look in the mirror and think I was pretty, and now I look in the mirror and see a stranger. Then in another couple months I will go back in and have some more of me chipped off and thrown away. Was I so bad before? Did I really need to lose so much of me? Of whom I am? Everyone is so proud of me now, weren't they proud of me before? Physically I am healthier, but emotionally I am not sure right now. I will have to learn the new me before I can answer that question. So if I come off as negative maybe you could cut me a little slack and give me time to find out who I am now. You say you wish I could see what everyone else sees, I DO see what everyone else sees and it is some stranger looking back at me. You can't say it is not what everyone else sees because my own granddaughter doesn't know who I am in pictures from before. I am just emerging from my chrysalis and my wings are still wet. I can't fly yet I can't soar above the world I am still grounded. I am lost and confused. But I will make it. I am telling you this not to get your sympathy or your pity, but rather to enlighten you as to why I am having problems with this entire weight loss process. I warned everyone before I had surgery that these things could present themselves during my journey; I just didn't really believe it would happen. I am relatively strong and will make it through but I need time to get my focus back. Ok now that is what I am feeling, does anyone else go through these feelings? I know I will come out of this happy and healthy but I would like some input from other grads on how they coped with the new person in the mirror.

guess I should have proof read it first IDENTITY would have been better

melanie,I do think it takes time. Who we are inside hasn't changed, getting used to the person in the mirror is hard, "Oh, that's me? I can fit into this??" " Oh you are so thin". I can't say how I've adjusted, except it is still a process. I think going to my weekly support group is good, coming to this board and the lightweight board is also a good healthy choice. Making changes in how I live my life has helped too. for instance, I never exercised. This past year I have joined a gym, worked with a trainer, and now doing kung fu. I don't cook like I used to nor do I buy food like I did. these changes help mold the new me on the outside. Realizing my addiction to food was a real eye opener. I have made it a challenge to overcome it and be in control of food, instead of it controlling me. I am getting closer to that goal every day. Were you so bad before? No, just unhealthy and ready for an early grave. you took control for once in your life and said "no" to food. Who you are is a stronger person inside, one who is willing to make life changes, who is confident enough to do something so radically life changing. Someone who is brave. Focus on these new realities. Replace old tapes in your mind with these new tapes of reality, and if you haven't, join a support group. Yes...you will make it. You already have....now you are just getting used to the new image. Now it is really time to let more of the beautiful person inside out. Thanks for sharing the journey with us! blessings, Tami

Thank you Tami for your quick response. I know that just voicing my thoughts has helped. I needed to see it in writing for myself. I now have it out where I can deal with it and figure out why I am letting this bother me at all. I love the new me but I loved the old me as well. I will make it and just get used to it all in time. I have so much more of life now than I did before and it is GOOD! Melanie

I forgot to say I not only belong to a support group, but I am one of the moferators of our group. I find it to be one of the most valuable tools for this journey.

Hi Melanie~ I can relate to what you are going through. Other people can't. They think that I should be happy about who I have transformed into. I'm extremely self conscious anymore..I feel everyone always staring at me and when I do eat, I feel like people are putting me under a microscope and are waiting for me to fail at this. I hate going clothes shopping with people..I'd rather go by myself. I constantly get..ooh what size are you in. It's like everyone focuses on my size and not who I am inside. I know sometimes I feel like asking them..what did you think about me when I weighed 256 lbs?? I am treated differently. It's kind of like you're trapped in a fat persons mind but now trying to figure things out now that you're considered "normal"..I just don't know who am or who I'm becoming anymore. I, like you, see a stranger in the mirror from time to time. I also still see a fat person staring back at me sometimes too. I've lost close to 100 pounds of me and I feel like I've lost my identity too.I would have never of guessed that these kind of problems would have presented themselves..you don't think about the emotional impact of it..well at least I didn't. I also turned to food for everything, even though the food was killing me. I ate when I was happy, sad, angry, depressed and bored. Physcially, I can't do that anymore. I've become quite the moody person these days. I tell you what though, with all of the emotional problems I am having, I would never take this surgery back ever..It has done so many positives for my physical well being. I went from a bad bad diabetic to a healthy person. I am happy about that but hopefully one of these days I'll learn to be emotionally happy. For right now, I'm just taking one day at a time. Hang in there!!

For you folks having trouble with this...you might want to study the enneagram a bit. This tells you who you are and why you do what you do and why you feel the way you do....it also gives you a way to change. At least change your feelings about all this. I have a tough time with it. Not identity, but those who have problems with it. It's like depression....I've never been clinically depressed so I don't understand it. But I do know its a serious illness and just because I've never had it doesn't mean it does not exist. Same with this. I don't get it. But that doesn't mean it isn't happening to some. Once I got 'into' the enneagram it was like light going on in my head....'ooooooo so thats why they do what they do'. There are 9 basic personality types, and it does help to know where you fit in. It also helps you understand why you feel the way you do. The best books I've found on it (so far) are THE WISDON OF THE ENNEAGRAM.....also.....UNDERSTANDING THE ENNEAGRAM both by Richard Riso and Russ Hudson. I am a 7. The Enthusiast (go figure)....The busy, fun-loving type, spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive and SCATTERED. Yep....Thats me. One of the things I found interesting about 7s is "...The Seven's characterstic vice is gluttony, literally the desire to stuff oneself with food and sevens can ge guilty of overeating and over drinking just as they can overdo all physical gratifications. " Me to a T. It gives you ways to integrate and overcome....so it might be a viable thing to look into. If nothing else, it makes interesting reading ! When I look in the mirror.....I am truly GLEEFUL. I see me as a size 8/10. I know where I came from and I am glad the fat is gone. Ok, so I can't depend on food...but then I never really did. It was just a path to pleasure and I RAN down it. Now I have to find other ways to excessively indulge. Right now...its the computer. I'm on here waaaay too much. If I could have plastic surgery, I would not in any way feel it was throwing 'part of me' in the trash...I would feel its just one more step in getting rid of what was making soooo unhappy before. You must find your own way. And I hope you do. You now have an opportunity for a new life. A way to get outside and walk and keep up....I hope you can find a way to take advantage of it. As for what people say or think....who gives a flip? If someone asks me how much I lost....I tell them with a smile. If they ask me what size I'm now in, I proudly tell them I'm in a size 8. And keep in mind they are only asking because they are curious and for the most part, are happy for us. Its how we interpret those comments or questions that can make or break us. If a man opens a door for me....never ever do I think "would he have done that if I was fat?" Chances are YES...he would have. He might not have wanted to ask me out, but he would have opened the door for me. So its not an issue. I don't ever presume to know what someone else is really thinking. ".......I would like some input from other grads on how they coped with the new person in the mirror....." WITH ABSOLUTE JOY. Good Luck Charlie

I feel like I am finally myself and can live life and not have to worry about the way I look and what people are going to say about me. They say something alright they are so amazed at my weight loss and my new attractive body and it drives them crazy. They judge me, question me, try to rival me looking for something in me that is not right. ( I am not speaking about my family). I feel like because I won that horrific battle of obesity that I can do anything I set my mind to. ( I have the desire and the fight now to go to college) I have the energy to tackle the world. Sometimes I feel like I want to move away somewhere and start new where people did not know me fat. Not that I am ashamed of being fat. I never am ashamed only saddend about being fat. Its the desire to escape the comparison of who I was before to who I am now that is almost like a "freak show". I get so tired of it. I am the same person. What I do not have in me is the confidence needed in a relationship (with a man). I still feel like the imperfect fat, saggy body that I was before. My extra skin is saggy a bit around my thighs, my boobs sag, I have a flat stomach but when I bend over my stomach sags. It is frustrating to know that if I look great in my jeans but totally different undressed. Will a man see that as a bait and switch tactic?? :) In regards to the comfort zone with the weight that comfort was only in my mind and I cant imagine how or why I allowed that to happen to me and become so overweight. It is really sad to see myself that way in those photos. I lost over 154 pounds. I am now 5'9" and weigh 135. I used to weight 289. I worry about gaining weight back. I stay away from sugar totally. I hope I am not rambling and this is helpful to you. Your crisis is over...the weight is gone. You have extended your life and won control over your body. Start celebrating and take it one day at a time discovering you. Your identity is in your heart and your mind. Focus on what you are doing and how you live your life and how you effect those around you. Stop thinking about it and live it. You are a shining star and a winner. GOD BLESS

I relate very closely to what you are saying.I think your feelings are common. it takes time. I know I feel so sad sometimes when I am told I am a "completely different person" I always respond that it is only on th eoutside, inside I am the same person. I haver posted some of this on my profile over time as well. While I am greatful for plastics. a part of me IS lost and always will be. it is very strange to think of parts of my body in the garbage or a landfill, or incinerated. while those parts were not pretty they were a part of me for a very long time. I sometimes resent that others treat me differently or assume I am different. it is just as insulting as assumng that all fat people are lazy, stupid, unmotivated, to assume that being thin makes me smarter, more worthy, or a better person. I still have the same brain , the same heart, the same feelings as ever. I posted this on my profile a while ago. "It is good to look nicer, and I enjoy that. I have gone from 260 to currently 135. I have had extensive plastics and may have another procedure in a year or so. I am maintaining well. my 4th anniversary is 9/25, which is also my real birthday. I guess I am feeling introspective right now. But, how I look is only one very small part of who I am as a person. Here is what is bugging me. So many people comment on how nice I look, which is nice in itself. It is often followed by the comment that "your husband must be all over you NOW." I get that it is INTENDED as a compliment, but do they not hear the implied message that before, as an obese woman I was not as deserving of my husband's love and passion as I am thin? The truth is, he treats me exactly the same as he did before. and that is what I say. for the most part people kind of raise their eyebrows, only once some one hugged me and said I am truely lucky and she was so happy for me. what about the inner person. Isn't the fact that I am loving, smart, hardworking, creative etc, enough?" I have a lot more posted on body image, plastics and emotional changes. HUGS!! I understand totally!!!!

I feel like I could have written your post myself! Just last night someone was telling me how great I look, and how much I must enjoy being thin. I told her that I am having some real mental issues with the stranger in the mirror. And she really is a stranger! I dont know this woman at all..she looks like my mother did at my age,,and that is a shock. There are other issues too,,,how does this woman wear her hair, dress,and act? Its all so different. And do I really like her?? When I was over 300 pounds, I was the funny outgoing clown, with the zany sense of humor. I appeared in plays and skits, always as the butt of the joke, the depracating humor. Now where do I fit? I was the life of the party,,now I too, feel like everyone is staring at me,,measuring,,has she lost or gained more?? They told us at the beginning that we would have these mental trips,,but I never believed it. I just knew if I attained the lifelong dream of being "normal", I would be ecstatic all the time! Dont take me wrong, Im so thrilled and happy to be 120 pounds less in just one year. I wear cute clothes, I feel great..and have WOW moments every day. But it IS an adjustment that is going to take time. Im a new person,,its a new life, and like babies being born, we have to learn how to survive in this new world. One day at a time,,,,,,