I need your feedback!

Hi all, I need your feedback about a situation I encountered over the weekend. I went out to dinner friday night with one of my two best friends who has been tremendously supportive of my weight loss efforts. She struggles with a weight problem herself, but not to the magnitude that requires surgery. She wanted some shopping assistance for an upcoming wedding, and I'm proud to say we found her a dress, shoes and jewelry that made her feel wonderful and looked fantastic on her. I was happy to give her that mileage. Then we had Mexican. I'm sure some of you can relate to the challenge of being overwhelmed with an oversized portion of food. I drank half a margarita and ate 6 tortilla chips, broken into quarters, dipped in salsa. She finished the basket. She ordered Chimichangas and cleaned her plate, then afterwards had to unbutton her jeans on the ride home because she felt overly stuffed. I ordered pollo en mole poblano. Bravely I tackled the dish, eating approximately a half cup of the chicken and sauce, and a few bites of each of the beans, rice and salad. All total, it was about one cup of food. There must have been 8 on my plate! She seemed mortified that the small amount was all I could eat. She worried that I am turning anorexic and wondered if that is a side effect of the surgery. I told her I supposed it could happen, but make no mistake, I'm not done with weight loss, and the band is in control. She expressed concern about my calorie intake, and I recounted everything I ate that day, factoring in the 8 peanut m&m's and my 65 grams of protein that added up to about 1300 calories. She told me I should take the leftovers home, and I said that if I was going to just throw something out I wasn't going to bother with putting it in my garbage, it was better off in the restaurant's. I said that dining out was more about a social experience and enjoying her company than what I was actually eating. I reminded her that the process of getting banded was one of the most challenging, devastating and difficult things I had ever done in my life, and what I was eating was just one component - exercising 5-7 hours a week also adds - but is a tremendous amount of work. I also reminded her how important she is to me, and that I would never have been able to do this without her support to lean on. As we were finishing this conversation, I was finishing my dinner, feeling pressured to eat more. I took a bite of the chicken, and - you guessed it - STUCKAGE. So there I was trying to be the perfect bandster and fulfilling her prophecy of being an anorexic! It's kind of funny. As I progress on this journey, I'm more and more aware that to be successful I need to meet these difficult situations head on, and I can no longer eat over them. I feel a little bit like I was sabotaged here, although I know she didn't mean to do that. It's her issue, not mine, but I'm a caring and supportive friend. The difference is I can no longer react in the manner I used to - I need to put myself first. But the feelings and the relationship are still there, and they need to be managed, you know? As I'm going this summer, I'm encountering moments of sabotage, and I'm realizing that more important than the weight loss, the work and the exercise, learning how to deal with these subtle, well-intended yet destructive things is going to be a key to my long-term success. From everyone - even in my most critical relationships. I am proud of how I look because I know how much work its taken to get here. And God help me if I ever go back. Change starts from within, the external changes are just a bonus! I feel the need to share this experience and welcome your feedback. Is there something more or different that I could have done to improve this situation? Yours in 176 pounds down, Jen

Ya know, I'm kinda like this... it's not a big deal that I had WLS. I'm not too thin, I'm happy, my doc is happy, my labs are wonderful, so the rest of the world needs to not worry so much about how much or how often I eat or what MY choices are. If anyone starts asking too many nosey questions, I just end or change the conversation, even if I have to literally say to them "I really don't want to continue this discussion. I hope you'll allow us to move on to another topic." I then promptly introduce a mutually rewarding and interesting topic.

Jen, I feel that you handled the situation exceptionally well. Your responses to your friend were well thought out and expressed with gratitude and sensitivity. Next time, just don't take that extra bite. Your know too well what the outcome will be. Your friend loves you, and who knows what her motives were for what she said, hidden or otherwise. Just believe that she is coming from a place of love and concern from you. Stay the course. XOXOXO, Sharyn

Jen, First of all, congratulations on your loss! Wonderful! I don't know that I think your friend was sabotaging you - I think your reaction to what she had to say caused you to sabotage yourself, if that makes sense. Your friend didn't take food and wave it under your nose and tell you to eat more. I think she simply expressed concern over how much you are eating. I can certainly understand that coming from a world where everything is super-sized and considering how much she herself can take in... you intake seemed like a pitance. It sounds like your friend might have a tad of envy... I think most folks that are overweight have a bit of envy over any friend who is losing weight no matter the method. I think sitting eating with someone who eats so little only highlights how much the other person really eats making them feel a bit bad about themselves. But that isn't your issue, it is theirs. It sounds like you are very supportive of your friend. The shopping experience sounded wonderful and it sounded like you made her feel very good about herself in her new outfit. That's great! I'm glad that you could share the experience together. I really liked what you had to say to her about your surgery, your eating and the whole dining out experience. Well said. Congratulations on your progress and your wonderful attitude and being a great friend. Kathy

Jen, We all have been taught to clean our plate. No one outside our weight loss circle understands what we have gone though and how our bodies have changed. It only hurts ourselves if we over eat it does not hurt the person we are with. Just remember it is your body and you pay the price for what you do. Don't let anyone else guilt you into eating more then you should. My mom is just the opposite she warns me not to over eat. Just follow what you have been taught/learned and everything will be fine Natalie