Question about my husband! Help

Hey all, I just logged in as a new member, but I have been around for years. My husband had the RNY 3 years ago. His starting BMI was about 42, and he had abaout 100 pounds to lose. Well, long story short, he initially lost the 100 pounds in 9 months. He has never developed an exercise program, really not exercising at all. He eats out all of the time, and always drinks with meals. He has put on about half of his weight, and doesn't look very good any more. He actually probably eats more per day than I do, and I am an averaged sized woman, maybe a bit on the thin side. This weight problem has affected every thing in his life. From activity level, to motivation to do things, to playing with the kids, to his depression, etc etc etc. What is going on here? Is there anything that I can do? I just don't understand why he won't change his habits. He refuses to talk about it. I just can't believe that we spent a year of our lives trying to get insurance to cover this, and he has hated being fat his whole life, and now he isn't following the program. I am so incredibly disappointed, and I don't know what to do. Anyway, any advice out there? Do you think that he might regain all of his weight? I just don't understand him at all, and I am getting fed up with it.

Seriously, he needs to go to a Dr. and get back on the wagon. You can ask him to go...you can not force him. guess he never really wanted the weight off to start with....must not bother him that he is regaining. It would freak me out. Sandy

I'm sure he's miserable and full of self-loathing. You are no more puzzled by and disappointed in his behavior than he is. You're dealing with addictive, compulsive behavior, so there is no rational explanation. Believe me, this is breaking both your heart AND his. Somehow, it just didn't all "take" with him mentally (or emotionally) in spite of the fact that he was successful physically. For awhile he could "get away" with less than total compliance and lack of exercise--which is the good news/bad news of wls! Eventually, the bad habits and faulty thinking have put him half-way back to where he started. I honestly don't think there's much, if anything, you can do or say. I know it has to be incredibly difficult not to be angry, frustrated, and disappointed in him; however, I just don't think that's gonna get you anywhere with him. He KNOWS everything you could possibly say anyway. I think you've got to let it go. What you CAN do is to try to make nutritious food, maybe suggest taking walks together (or something else relatively non-threatening), and just do any subtle things you can to NOT enable his self-sabotage. You can't really make him do anything, and maybe he can see right through any efforts on your part, but you can at least try to be a bit of a role model. I imagine it would be VERY helpful for him to get counseling for the issues that are preventing him from re-gaining, but chances are that won't happen. Stop talking to him about it. He knows how you feel. Love him anyway. Jo

I have to agree with what Jo said. I think counseling would help him to deal with his feelings. I'm sure he has ALOT of feeling about gaining the weight back and he just doesn't know how to deal with it. Deep down I'm sure its very disappointing to him to be in this situation. The good news is that he CAN turn this around if and when he choses too~I'm not sure how to get this started in the right direction, but hopefully he will have that moment when something just clicks and he wants it again! Tracy B 328/150 5'9"

Caren--You must be so frustrated right now. I know it is hard to watch someone you love struggle. There is one thing I am sure of though, what you are feeling can not even compare to what he must be feeling. Even if he has not verbalized his feelings he must be miserable and as disappointed in himself as you are. He too remembers the struggle to get the surgery and how crummy he felt before losing weight. He also know that he is not feeling so great now. Your husband is living my worst nightmare. There really is nothing YOU can do. The desire to change must come from him. The one thing I am really sure about is--for many of us surgery cures the physical part of the weight struggle--it doesn't help with the part between the ears. Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with him (without nagging and yelling)? I hope he sees a doctor to rule out a anatomical problem with the surgery. If and when that is ruled out I would follow the advice mentioned here with some counseling and perhaps working with a nutritionist and trainer. It is now time to refocus, get back to basics and learn those new habits so that a permanent lifestyle can be learned. It has to come from him. Good luck to both you and your husband.

Could be his issues aren't medical but mental. If our head's aren't in the game, this doesn't work. We need to work on issues, obsessive/compulsive behaviour, depression and whatever else made us fat and keeps us from reaching our goals even with surgical intervention. Help him get to a doctor, his surgeon or a good therapist and go from there. Head issues stand in the way of body issues 99% of the time when someone isn't successful even after having wls surgery. He'll be happier and healthier for it and so will you and the rest of the family.

Thanks for your input, guys. I agree with everything that everyone has said. I think that he has emotional problems more serious than I have wanted to consider, ie, food addiction, immaturity, extremely poor coping skills, etc. Honestly, the marriage has been over for quite some time, and it is very sad. He is just unable to run his life in a normal and healthy way; for whatever reason, he just can't get it together. He did some really stupid things when he was thin, for about a year, and now that he is fat again, it is just too much for me to take. And, he and I have also realized issues about our marriage that have never been addressed, because the weight issues were always in the forefront. I think that it is so great, when the surgery works, and people keep on the program, etc. So many of you guys look fantastic, and your happiness with life really shows. I have never had a weight problem, but I have seen what it has done to my husband, and I know how hard it is. For whatever reason, my husband was not able to get it together, and our marriage is over. He was a wonderful guy before we got married, but he just could not handle the real world, with career, kids, mortgage, etc. We are divorcing right now, and we have four kids. It is very tragic. I just hope that my husband figures out one day how to be happy, and I hope that he gets the mental help that he needs. I have never known someone to be as unhappy inside as he is. Thanks again, and have a good day.