Time for some honesty...

This is a cross-post from the May'05 board... Thought this might be a good audience, as well... So, I've been keeping something bottled up inside me for a while now, and I'm going to come clean... I'm not being very responsible about my eating habits, lately. I think I'm getting ****y. Like most of you, the weight loss has pretty much evened out and I think I'm pretty much where I'm going to end up. I fluctuate between 151 and 155. I'd love to see 149, just to say I did, but if I don't, I'm okay with that. And, with all honesty, if I'm able to get PS, I know I probably will. But I feel like eating-wise, I'm slipping. Not in WHAT I'm eating, I still do well there, protein first, lots of fruit and veggies, a few carbs, some days more than others, but for the most part, I do okay. But, I feel like I'm eating a lot MORE than I should... And more often. I've been very conscious of low blood sugar because I've had a couple of pretty serious dips and it scares the crap out of me. I get in the habit of eating every 2-3 hours to make sure it doesn't happen. But I feel like I'm giving myself permission to eat too much... And I feel like some meals are huge compared to what I was eating before. I don't measure my food anymore and over the last few weeks, there's been times where I've eaten to the point of total discomfort, knowing the whole time I'm eating too much. You know that feeling you used to get after Thanksgiving dinner when you KNOW you've eaten more than you need to, but everything tastes so good, you just keep eating and before you know it you feel like you're going to explode? Well, I've been there, done that recently. A couple of times... Granted, in the great scheme of things, it's really not anywhere close to what I ate pre-op, but still... It's the behavior that's bothering me. Everytime the scale swings up towards 155, I get soooo nervous that it's not going to stop and it's going to keep crawling upwards. On the upside, I'm FINALLY getting my period, which is, oh, 3 months late... lol and I know that it's wreaking havoc with me physically and emotionally. I'm hoping that I'll get back to being my normal freak-self once it's over... lol... but to be honest, I'm scared I'm starting to allow myself some bad habits. Not looking for pity, assurance or permission to be an f-up. Just trying to verbalize what's been running around in my head.... I know if I can't tell you guys, I can't tell anybody.

Becky Sue, someone on one of the other support groups I participate in wrote a wonderful post on WLS and the stages we go through. Her opinion is many go through 10 stages, thought I'd share these with you. Honeymoon Arrogance Regain Anger Fear Failure Fear Acceptance (Surgery is NOT what you hoped for, now what?) Fear Mandatory Action

wow Dana ... I can sure relate! except that fear turns into FEAR!!!

Hey Sweetie, yes I related to, I guess it never stop, eh? Hugs, Dana

Geez... I'm past the honeymoon and definitely past the arrogance. Think those were the first 6 months together. Then I basically stopped losing and had to face the fact that I really had to watch it, make changes and such. Lost 4 lbs last month and 5 this month so obviously there were changes to be made, eh? I'm hoping to avoid the regain. Good luck, eh? I think I'm in the anger-acceptance range. I'm angry that I cannot eat what I want. I'm angry that my body isn't the way I'd like it to be. I'm angry that it has taken me so long to get to goal considering how light-weight I was and I'm not quite there yet. Close but no chocolate-covered cigar. LOL. I'm angry that I'm exercising X amount and eating X amount and the scale doesn't budge so therefore I must be at maintenance levels and it isn't what I'd hope it would be, ya know? I'm working to accept my body as it is. I think I see it as it truly is. I can look and admit I look pretty good. I think at this point... lbs coming off isn't going to improve anything. I think we are more dealing with skin. Amazing all the things that are running through my head these days. Thanks, Kathy

"I'm angry that I cannot eat what I want. I'm angry that my body isn't the way I'd like it to be." YEP -- I get angry to, most days are ok but then I just have that one meal that is absolutely fabulous and I get mad I can't eat more. I'm at fear stage on the weight, worried about regain and still not liking this aweful body with all this skin. One of these day, I pray I can have PS, I'm trying to save but don't know when I'll have enough to go there. Now who in the hell said this was easy......will I ever accept myself like I am, will I ever be happy, will I ever be normal ? I am healthy why isn't that enough . Hugs, Dana

Hey Becky Sue....welcome to my world. At almost 4 years out, I feel like a normal 'eater' again. I don't dump....I can eat a whole loaded 6 inch sub, I feel I am pretty much back to 'normal'. And it IS scary as hell. The only check I now have, is when I pu**** and do the Thanksgiving dinner thing....I can feel really sick. So at least I still know when I'm getting to that point. Another problem I think we have is that our metabolisms are shot. It takes way less calories for us maintain than we are used to so we can gain on even the good things. I am back to dieting. Its got to be a way of life for me. I had an eye opener this past weekend. A good friend was here for a few days and we went to St. Augustine. We shared a chicken casadilla (sp) for lunch....then we went to an ice cream shop. They didn't have sf yogurt...but they had frozen yogurt...so I got a cone. It was way bigger than anything I've had since surgery...I ate the whole thing...including the waffle cone....HOPING I would dump big time from it. Nothing. Nada. Susan also bought a huge rice crispie candy on a stick...it was covered in chocolate and pecans. YIKES. And later we shared it. I knew I was in trouble. I can just imagine where I'd be right now if I had gone back to eating McDonald's and KFC and Sonic and Burger King and Wendy's and Popeyes........ My weight has been creeping up bit by bit for the past year. Not much...but enough to concern my surgeon. The last time I went in....he told me to go on the South Beach Diet. He was serious. He said thats the diet he recommends for maintaince. So I broke down and bought the book. I'm now on my second day. Giving up all white carbs and sugar for 2 weeks isn't physically hard....its mentally hard. But I'm doing it. God knows I don't want to go back to a size 26/28. Thats another reason I'm back on the boards. I need the support. And you are right...confession is good for the soul. Hugs from the beach Charlie

Hey Charlie Your from my old neck of the woods... Lived in Cocoa Bch for about 6 years and loved it .. You said your 4 years out and slowly gaining .. I am almost 3 and dont want to go to gaining ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I know you dont either but was wondering if your doing anything different and are you exercising everyday or most days.. I am just curious as I certainly cant afford to gain as I have way way to many clothes , besides it will make me way to depressed.. Love and Hugs Shirl

Hi Charlie! Long time...thanks for posting on this topic. Nt only did we add to our lifespans, but as time passes I am learning that I still have a pouch, but it can hold an 'average' sized meal. When I eat softer foods I can consume more than I should. Dry meals and lots of exercise are the key in addition to LOTS ofwater for maintaining my weightloss. Your doc is right about South Beach, it's very do-able and not hard to follow. Look for super high fiber whole grain carbs, whenever you add them back in. Hope you can make it to Tampa for Busch Gardens on July 16th. I think Lynda is going to come...let's please keep in touch. I really enjoyed meeting you two last summer Hugs, Diane

I understand what you're saying. It has seemed like a natural progression to me~that I can eat a little more, than a little more, etc at one time. I think the amount of food that I can consume is what concerns me too. I knew that this would happen, but its scary. I still try to do protein first and make the best choices, but I'm not perfect by any means. I too watch the scale (daily here) to make sure I'm not gaining weight, especially if I have a slip up. If I put on a few pounds then I crack down on myself and watch everything that goes into my mouth for a few days until I get those nasty pounds back off. Its my check and balance system I guess. It sounds like you're aware of what you're dealing with and that's half the battle right there. You're being honest with yourself (and with us) so you can keep this from taking over your life. I hope things settle back down for you soon and we're always here for support anytime! Hugs, Tracy B 328/152 5'9"