when will I stop being jealous?

I truly dont mean to hurt anyone's feeling so please dont take offense. I try to read the message boards daily for advise & inspiration but I think I am going to have to stop because I am literally about to break down in tears with pure jealousy each day. There seem to be so many post ops these days Starting their journey where mines seems to have ended. What I mean is everytime I read about someone under 250 pounds who had WLS and is no sooooo happy to be 130 etc and size 4 or 6 (heck any number under a 10) I just want to scratch thier eyes out. I know height is suppose to matter but I look at profiles and some of these people just appear to be a little chunky to me. I keep trying to tell myself that everything is relative but I am having a very hard time not hating them and an even harder time not hating myself for still being over 200 pounds. There are times these days when the world around me is wearing shorts and I am freezing in my sweat clothes, When the world still looks at me as a fat girl (yes I am still a fat girl), when everyone who knows I had WLS expects me to be 130 pounds and a size 6 & gives me that looks of disappointment. These are the days that I regret this surgery. Yes I was lucky to have just been fat, no medical problems at the time ( I am smart enough to know they would come) but prior to surgery I was know as happy & full of energy. I ran 4 miles a day at 350 pounds. Today I am a lazy disappoinment who hates enyone under 200 pounds and REALLY hates anyone who dared have WLS when they werent even fat. See how bitter I have become? I have tried to keep it in but today I cant. I dont want to be hateful. I dont want to be jealous Diana RNY 9/17/03 360/202

You have come a long way the amount of weight you have lost is amazing and commendable WLS is no easy road and we still forever have to be conscience of what we eat as to not gain it back you are not done on your journey,just on a longer path than those who weighed less, I know how you feel I look at those who weigh what I weighed and were also the same height and I have my fleeting moments of jealousy and of feeling like a failure when those my height 5'2 are 110/120 and I am waaaaay over that we are all here to learn grow and lose the last bit of weight we have or maintain what we have lost so don`t be so hard on yourself if you are not happy at the weight you are then there are ways to change it, that is what I am doing I am determined to get this last pesky weight off of me before christmas ..Maybe we can start a thread for losing and post each week,and weigh in.... Post exercise ..Etc we could do it together...... 4 year post op RNY 262.5/142.5/119?

I know exactly what you mean. I've read profiles where someone started out at 230 and had surgery. 230? Come on - and then you keep reading and they lost 100 lbs in 3 months and you just want to hold them down and stuff them with Ding Dongs. I'm at 190 now - took me 16 months to lose from 297 - and while I'm still a "fat" girl, I am so much healthier now than I was pre-op. I walk every morning and sometimes my (adult) daughters complain they can't keep up with me. My diabetes is gone, my blood pressure is normal, I sleep all night. I will never regret having this surgery even if I never lose another ounce. Just think how much better you are now. Hang in there! Lynne 297.5/190/150ish 125 in my dreams

I can understand, Diana, in a different way. I did get to goal, beyond it in fact. I am happy about that. What I have a problem with is I cannot wear short sleeved shirts or shorts. I live in Florida, its hot here, yet I wear long sleeves all the time to hide the remnents of my obesity. I am jealous of anyone who can wear tanks, or short sleeves or shorts,and skirts with NO pantyhose. Or who feels confident enough to bare themselves. I may have a low number of the scale, but with sagginess and the floppy skin - sometimes I feel as disgusted with myself as I did while MO. I don't want to be jealous - I should be happy. I have to work on that. Hugs to you, Laura

Boy can I relate to your concerns! I had to go to a therapist to get help with this one. And although I've come a long way, I'm still particular where I wear something sleeveless and I won't wear shorts too short. The therapist helped me to look past "me" and to take note of the rest of the world. Look around you -- people who look far worse are baring it all. Although I'm still pretty conservative in my dress, I'm getting better at accepting my flaws. Don't get me wrong -- I'd still love to have a lower body lift. But the money I'd use for that will finance a year or two of my retirement. Short of winning the lottery, it's likely the surgery won't happen. And I've seen people who had the surgery and they don't look that much better than me. Be proud of who and what you are! You've come a long way! Deb

Hi Diana, I know how you feel. I started out at 331 and have hovered around 200 for the last 6 months. I am much healthier than I was, but like you said I am still a fat lady. I would have like to get to 180(maybe someday) but I don't think it will happen soon. I still watch what I am eating and get mad ar myself for eating too much or the wrong things. I have never regreted the surgery, because I now don't have over 100#s to lose. When I was at my heaviest I kept saying if only I didn't have so much to lose, I could lose the weight. Well I don't have so much to lose now but it is still hard to get the last weight off. So don't feel alone when you get upset, I do to sometimes. But I still come in and browse atleast once a day. So don't leave us, stick in there, you are not alone. Evelyn

Diana, You have come so far and you're so beautiful! I wish you could see what I see when I look at your pic and the inspirational words that you post! I can tell from reading your words over the past few months that you are just as beautiful a person on the inside as you are on the outside. You should not feel like a disappointment~you've lost 158lbs~that's fantastic! You must feel better physically and be able to do things with much more ease now than at 360lbs. You called yourself "lazy"~does that mean that you have given up exercising? Do you still run? I'm asking b/c maybe instead of focusing so much on food you could switch up the focus to just exercising and feeling good inside? The scale is just a number~its nice to see it go down, but in the whole scheme of things how important is the ###? When I see your pic I don't think "oh my goodness, she's 200lbs, she's heavy, etc"~you look like a person of normal size to me. And also, don't let other people's expectations of WLS determine how you feel about yourself~not everyone that has wls ends up being 130lbs~we're all different heights with different frames and bone density. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I understand your feelings and I think you've done a terrific job so far!!! {{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}} Tracy B

Diana, I'm really not sure what to say and I'm sorry you are feeling disappointed and jealous...you've done amazingly well so far. I can understand as we all want to reach the goal we set for ourselves and sometimes it alludes us. Does it make us a failure? Absolutely not. I was a lightweight when I began my journey, started out at 260 lbs, weighed 239 lbs on surgery date. I might not have weighed as much as some but that didn't exclude me from being Morbidly Obese. But the reason I had surgery is for health reasons. I had many co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, GERD, urinary stress incontenience, weight induced asthma, severe joint pain), what would been next ~~ a heart attack, stroke, kidney failure. *****ally knows, I wanted to avoid those things at all cost and see my children graduate from high school and have children of their own. I wish you the best, is therapy an option. Maybe speaking to a professional will help you realize how far you've come and help you deal with your personal disappointment easier. Dana

Boy do I know how you feel...I hover just under 200 and I almost eat sugars or fats because I still dump badly. I eat 1200 -1500 calories a day and no matter what I do the scale does not move. MY cholesterol and triglycerides (if you eat no sugars and very little fat that is what happens) are very low as is my blood pressure (90 over 55) and when I try to diet I am very light headed and suffer hypoglycemia. Almost all my extra weight is in my thighs and hips. I really do not know what else I can do (I am down about 130 lbs from my heaviest weight) but I am horribly jelous...although I try not to show it. Rochelle RNY 11/10/2003

Hi Diana, Your being way hard on yourself. Having feelings of resentment and jealousy are natural emotions. Especially when we're dealing with a subject regarding weight. I think you'de be surprised to learn that most people know exactly how you feel. I know I do. I had LapBand surgery Aug. 04. At 5 ft, I weighed 252 pounds. I've lost almost 100 pounds. I weigh today 159 pounds. I totally believe the LapBand surgery was the right one for me....however, I have had to work for every single pound I've lost. Not one has come off easily. I workout 5 to 6 days a week and most of the time I'm very careful of my food choices. When I step in the gym...I'm there to work up a sweat. I run, I do the eliptical, I swim, I lift weights. I have built myself up from literally nothing. But all it takes to knock me down is for some skinny little thing to come prancing through the gym floor with her super tight leggin's on, her workout BRA, with not so much as a ripple on her body. As I've got sweat pouring off of me she gets on the treadmill and PRANCES along at 0.0 MPH for all of 100 yards...gets off and fans herself then goes to the locker room and she's DONE. Just makes me want to vomit! ....LOL You've done a remarkable job. If you wish to lose more, you will. Never give up. I wish you all the best Kay