New Grad...Walkin' the fine line....

Okay, so I made goal....now what??? I'm freakin out a bit about walkin' that fine line. So many questions....so many insecurties.... Is it true that we lose down to a certain point, then gain some back to where we REALLY belong? If so, does that mean I'm not really at goal until I surpass my goal and then gain back to it? Do I now continue to eat THIS many calories and not increase it? Do I increase it to stop it? What if i gain? How does this make me feel? All these questions force me to take a good long hard look at myself. It's true. I have had an eating disorder for most of my life. I'm either balls to the wall one way....or in the extreme opposite direction. RNY enabled me to depart from the excessive eating disorder but it also enabled me to proceed in the extreme opposite direction. What I've realized today is that i don't know how to walk this fine line.... I know how to gain.... I know how to lose..... I don't know how to maintain a healthy balance. I know now that i haven't overcome my eating disorder. I know this because the thought of gaining ANY of the weight back sets me off in complete panic. I want to throw the brakes on and cut back just a little...anything to stop that from happening!! Yet, I am sooooo defensive when someone accuses me of anorexic behavior because I AM NOT trying to sabotage myself and would never want to put my family in the position of dealing with the ramifications of anorexia... i am a stubborn b**ch that doesn't ever want to depend on anyone for my care. You know what i am? I am a control freak. I have control over gaining.... I have control over losing..... I'm freaking out about not having control over maintaining. Do we all feel so mixed up when we hit goal? I should be thrilled....but i'm in a state of total panic!! What has your experience been? Any pearls of wisdom? Lessons learned? Pam 250/125/125!

HI Pam-----relax!!!!! Just keep doing what you're doing--if a few pounds sneak back- cut back on calories and fix it! Now I have to confess------I'm in the same place you are----and that's what I keep telling myself to do. I am a major worrier too- some days I am so hungry and feel like I eat all day long,,,but then the next day or 2, I just have no appetite and have to make myself eat- but I worry that the hungry days will overtake the not so hungry days--does that make sense? I know that I eat healthier than I ever have in my life and that's a good thing, but I never want to go back to where I was. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH--sometimes life is so complicated, LOL... It's interesting that we started out at the same weight, I took a little longer than you to get to my goal but I'm probably older than you (I'm 52) and I've been told that older people tend to lose slower. I have actually passed my goal of 128 and am now down to 120-122. I really don't want to lose any more, I want to stay right here. I feel the best I've felt in years--I can do so many things now and it's so much easier. Good luck to you--but really don't stress too much-take it one day at a time. (Something else that I keep telling myself,,,,) Wanda

hey there stranger! i been lurking here, but wasn't going to post til i was a year out, so i could officially be a "grad". silly me! but i am eager to see the responses you get. you know, i am in the same place as you. i also get very defensive when people say things to me. seems i especially get defensive when it is my family, but they are genuinely concerned. i am finally at the point where i TRULY don't want to lose anymore, but like you, i only know what to do to lose or gain. and today i gained! i am back up to 116 this morning and although i am fine with that weight, all i can think about is getting back to 114. this is the hardest part. i don't want to be at the other end of the spectrum. hugssssss

Hey Pam! I'm over 4.5 years out & have been where you are... some of what I've learned is this: 1) our "success" is actually found in the JOURNEY! What lessons have I learned that will enable me to make better choices in the long run? What failures have I experienced that I've learned to forgive myself & move on? What have I discovered about myself in the journey? Does my body actually "feel" (thrive) better at: Size 4? (got there) Size 28 (been there)? (Answer? size 10ish!!!) 2) I used to think my "goal weight" was "THE GOAL".. BUT The true "goal" (I've discovered - for ME) is not a number! The true "goal" is (again, for me) achieving a "place" in my thinking whereas food / eating/ bingeing / dieting/ weight loss/ weight gain/ single digit clothes sizes/ etc. are no longer the primary THOUGHTS of my existence! WOO HOO! Freedom from obsessing about eating / not eating! 3) In learning that - I've found that I MAINTAIN a healthy weight & have for over 2.5 years now!!!! woo hoo!!! I've also learned that I have more to give my family, friends, church, the community by GOING ON WITH MY LIFE and not obsessing with ME!! I've got more to learn, more to discover and more health & energy than ever before! Pam, what you've already learned IS part of the GOAL! Unlike "short term" diets in the past, you've achieved sooooooooooo much! NOW what you'll learn is what tweaks / shifts/ changes/ etc. in your eating habits will help you maintain a healthy place! I think in my profile I've written some of the eating changes I made to GAIN weight ON PURPOSE when my head was messed up & wanted LESS OF ME more than I wanted "health".... You're in a great place - you recognize that there's "more" that the "125" is not the "end"...GOOD FOR YOU! Now, now, now is when you GROW!!! Hang on, sister, this is the FUN STUFF! Judy 289/159

Judy, thanks for this post. I'm in the same position as Ginger and Mary Jo. Finding the balance is what I need. I'm so afraid to see the scale move upward, ok where I'm at, yes I'd like to see 119 lbs again (only last about 3 days) but I'm staying between 121-124 so that's ok. I obsess over the scale, seeing it move just 1 lb and I get the "Oh no" in my mind and it's mind boggling. I hope to get where you are in this journey. Dana

Pam, I can so relate to your post. I'm 13 months out. I'm actually below the goal of 140 that I had set for myself, and I am now as of this morning 119. I hover around 119-122. I have for a bit now, so I am assuming "I am done losing." My surgeon actually said he'd like me to be 135 or so. I'M NOT GAINING. I also find that the thought of gaining sends me into a panic as well. I don't know how to go about this "maintaining" either. I certainly hope I don't gain any back now. I was also accused of wacky behavior and told by many that I need to "let up" on myself, and stop being so strict, and try some new things. I have avoided, pasta, breads, fruits, really any carbs so far. I also know I should probably add some good carbs in my diet, maybe oatmeal to bring my cals up. I am currently still hovering around 700-750 cals a day. I also have realized at this point that my food addiction is still lingering. Maybe we can keep in touch at this rough point that we are both in, and maybe learn from each other. Feel free to email me if you wi**** would be nice to touch base with someone else feeling what I am feeling. [email protected] Eileen

Great question! I too am right there with you. I am 2.6 months from WLS..Have lost 176 lbs and am in a size 8 or 10 jeans and small top. I was in 26/28...I am older than you all I was 59 when I had surg. now I am just 62. I feel wonderful ,can do so much I havent been able to do in years. I weighed 139 at my lowest without have plastics. But I do tend to gain up and down 5 to 7 lbs. I hate the thought of gaining but I do go off my healthy diet. Judy I so agree with you....you have learned the lesson well! I think you are what we all need to strive to be SUCESSFUL!!! I am not a number...I am a person with a destiny and purpose. I have alot to give and in return to recieve. I know we have to get to the place where when we look at pictures of ourselves...it looks like us..when we look in the mirror..we know we are thin...it takes time for our hubbys to reconize us in a crowd. It is an adjustment ..a very big one. But we are in control..we make the choices, its totally up to us. I am so thankful I had this surgery..and I pray I will never return to the place I came from. That I will continue to keep on this "Right Road" in my life going forward. I hope the same for us all. Cha

Hi Pam! Hey, were you reading my mind?!?!?! I feel the exact same way, but you put it into words beautifully which is something that I haven't been able to do. I know how to gain, I know how to lose, but how do you maintain???? Wow, I've never in my lifetime done that! People will ask me "so how far are you going to take this?" or "you should really stop losing b/c you don't want to get 'that look' if you lose too much"~Are you talking to me? Lose TOO much? I don't think that will ever be my problem! (these are my responses) I too obsess about food~what will I eat, do I need to cut back today to make up for something yesterday, should I or shouldn't I eat whatever, is my day all planned out in advance so there's no room for error, etc~it's exhausting! Exercise takes over my mind too. Now I'm not saying that these things aren't healthy to think about....to a point....but once it hits the obsessive stage, I know I need to go to talk to someone. I keep putting it off~I need to make that phone call, but I'm embarrassed. I feel like this surgery has been a huge success for me so I don't want to complain, ya know?!?!?!?! Well, good luck to you! just wanted you to know that you're not alone!!!!! Tracy B 328/153 5'9"

I totally understand where you are coming from. have lived thru it. One of the gifts my surgeon gave me was not giving me a goal weight. ( ya know, I only really saw him a few times, I wonder if he has ANY idea of the impact he has had on my life) His words were, "lets see where your body settles in, you will lose weight, have a series of plateus, then your body will stop losing. you will go back up about 10% of what you lost and that will be your body's comfortable weight." My major goal was being under 200 so I guess attitude and what you are looking for counts as a lot. I never looked at being a size 2-4-0 etc as a goal. I was thrilled when I hit 16 and less than 200 pounds and anything less has been a bonus. I didn't get caught up in suzy Q got to a size 4 so I need to do that too or I am a failure. I look at the average american woman is a 14 and that is normal and average and acceptable. If I got into the competion I would end up in a mess emotionally trying to be something my body just can't reasonable maintain. I have gone thru a period of freaking out about regain and dealt with it in a very unhealthy way until I got into therapy and started dealing with some of my issues. I highly recommend a good therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I did hit a low of 120 for a nansecond (when I had an illeus and didn't eat for days on end- and looked like death) was at 125 for a while and have settled in to 130-135. (BTW, I dont consider that to be a regain, it is part of the normal process that my Dr described to me after his experience with over 1500 surgeries.) how to maintian. I did much research and talked with 2 dieticians. I did alot to learn exactly what my body needs to maintain. 1. EXERCISE 2. exercise 3. exercise. 4. proper diet. on 1500 cals a day, (which I maintain nicely at) the calorie ratio recommended to me as a person who works out regularly 4-6 times a week for at least an hour each time - 40% carbs (4 calories /gram) , 30% protein (4 calories /gram) 30% fats (9calories/gram) that is 150 grams of carbs, 112.5 grams of protein, and 50 grams of fat. I spent many months tracking on fitday to learn exactly what I needed to eat to get the right ratio and proper nutrition daily 6 oz meat fish or chicken, 3 serving dairy, milk cheese, yogurt. 2-3 serving veggies. 2 pieces fruit. (one of which is always a banana) and 2-3 servings complex carbs, whole wheat bread or tortilla, barilla plus pasta, Kashi high protein cereals. I also have a treat, no sugar added ice cream or fudgecicle or pudding or sf jello w/ cool whip.