here's my confession

I had WLS in sept, 2003. I started out at 330 at consultation and 323 at day of surgery. three days before surgery I weighed in at 329, (I didn't know it at the time but i was retaining water due to PMS) My doc didn't like that and made me feel terrible that I didn't lose the 10lbs I agreed to. I really restricted my diet pre-op and couldn't understand why I didn't lose any weight I was so upset. I presented my doc w/?s that I had written down mostly to know what an ng tube was and how long I would have it and simple stuff like that, he BLEW UP! and proceeded to rip me apart about how I ?'ed his ability to take care of me and he wondered why I should even worry about my saftey when I didn't even care to lose the weight I agreed to lose.I had to decide now if I would go through with the surgery my confidence was shattered and That was the worst 3 days of my life, I had waited so long to have wls and I went through so much to reach my goals to have a successful and problem free surgery. My surgeon was a top surgeon at the hospital He is world renowned in the lap RNY and I researched him extensively, of course, nothing stated that he was prone to tantrums! I decided that regardless of how much he upset me he would make sure I would pull through and meet my goals. 2 weeks out I went for a check up and all was good except my weight loss was only 15lbs, he yelled at me . 8 weeks out I had lost 30lbs and still was not enough only this time his collegue that saw me, yelled at me, needless to say from that point on I went to follow ups with fear and loathing! of course, they made sure to tell me I was a lost cause and that I would never lose the weight that I could because I didn't have the drive. I always felt like they kicked me to curb immediately after surgery and blamed me because I wasn't using my "tool" properly. my biggest mistake was that I never went to see the dietician, she was rarely available, and I didn't demand some sit down time. I convinced myself that I would be yelled at and felt that no one would be willing to work with me because I showed failure so early on. ultimately, I dicontinued my follow ups and I went it alone. I realize now, over two years out that I blew it. that I didn't do what I intended when I decided on WLS. I am very angry with myself that I let my emotions over power my weightloss. I feel so guilty that I did exactly what that surgeon told me I would, I feel like I failed myself, I didn't do half the the things I should have. I'm not saying that I wasn't successfull and now I am a lot happier and healthier, but I wanted to do more and I simply lost track of what I was doing because I allowed the lack of guidance to be the reason for my laziness. I have teetered with the same 5 lbs for about a year now, fear is the only thing that has prevented me from gaining more! I am absolutely terrified of going back to my original weight. I need to take control again and give myself what I deserve. I am going to call the dietician and set up an appointment to hopefully get a new diet plan. I'm even thinking about going to a different specialist to see if I can get some better advice. I've decided to start all over again. That doctor and his staff made me miserable, but ultimately I had the control and I didn't cut the mustard. I have carried the guilt of my experience for two long years, truth be told, my surgeon was excellent in surgical skills, but sucked at bedside manner and I feel that he paved the course of my journey and it was not a great experience. I was depressed and ashamed for most of the time and I could just kick myself in the booty for letting that person affect me as he did. I can see now that I cannot get back on trac****il I take responsibility for my lack of drive and courage to do what I set out to. I could have fought for what I needed, but I hid and licked my wounds and now I feel ashamed.

You should report this hard nosed assh**e to the medical board. Bedside manner??? This guy doesn't even have a bed. I believe we are all very vunerable at the time of surgery. We've worked so hard to get the sugery we are teriffied something will go wrong and we won't be able to have it and of course it would be our fault. It sounds like you did the best you could trying to loose the weight he wanted you to. Of course loosing that weight is important to shink the liver before sugery but maintaining mental health is important too. Sometimes they forget that. You were very brave for staying with it, I'm impressed! Do NOT go back to that office. There are a lot of other doctors, dietcians, theapists available that are caring people. Find one of those. Check the board here for your area and someone here will recommend somebody or call your insurance company, they will have recommendations also. You could go to a local support group too. Give yourself the credit you deserve for sticking with this even though you were beating down. As a reward go out and buy yourself some new sexy shoes or something! Hang in there you've done an outstanding job so far!!!

I am curious about your weight loss, how much have you lost, what was/is your goal, how tall are ya etc...? Do you have a primary care doctor? He or she should be able to help you find a nutritionist or dietician and a therapist with experience with WLS patients and eatting disorders. Seems like for most of us, those 2 specialist would help you get on track and focus. If the dietician you are planning on seeing is affiliated with your surgeons office and you feel shafted and humiliated by your surgeon then you may not hold much respect or faith in that dietician either. Check around for other WLS surgeons in your area, call their offices and ask if they have a nutrtionist/dietician and a support group you can use. Sometimes doctors are so worried about their statistics, they forget to treat their patients like human beings. Might I suggest keeping a food journal, do not lie to it, only you will see it. Although it would be a good tool for accountability and helpful siggestions if you show it to your dietician/nutrtionist. After a week or so, flip back through and look for a reoccuring "bad" food and try to eliminate it or limit it to once a week. One bad item at a time, that way you do not feel deprived or punished. I track fats/carbs/protien/calories. Or you could use Fitday.com Exercise. You don't need me to list the benefit I'm sure. Calories in vs. calories out. Their is no shame in asking for help. Time to start fresh. Change your routine one small piece at a time. Sit down and set small goals for yourself. Your first goal may be as simple as take all you vitamins and drink atleast 60 ounces of non-caloric fluids and take in atleast 60 grams of protein. Your next goal could be up the protein to 80 and eliminate white carbs by trading them out for wheat and low glycemic index carbs. Good Luck to you. You are responsible for you. Stand up, wipe your hands off on your pants and get moving You still have the tool you just need some motivation and guidance. Mic

I am so Sorry that you were treated like that! I got so upset with that doctor while I was reading he is such an as#!! I think that you will do wonderful just find you another doctor that will treat you like a person...Good luck and God bless TY

Thank you all for your support, I felt much better about everything after I wrote it and gave it away. to answer some ?'s--I didn't start out with a primary care doc, but when I decided to stop going to the surgeon, I found one in the same medical building. He deosn't seem to know much about the process and I think I will be looking for someone else. I lost a total of 122 lbs i the 18 months and not an ounce since and I am 5'4". i excersized very little throughtout my journey, I certainly became more active but never anything in the way of routine just some walking here and there. I thought about reporting this doc but after reading reviews about him here and on other websites, I got to thinking that maybe its just that I needed a doc that was a little more warm and fuzzy and others didn't see him the way I did. anyway I have already jumped back on the road to thinner thighs! and I will do even better this time because I don't have the weight of a terrible experience holding me down. thanks again!

You are correct about that the Dr. should not of shamed you as much as he did. But, you are to blame bottom line for not losing more. Whatever the Dr. did I think your trying to cover up not losing like you should of by the Dr.s actions. Have you considered going to therapy....seriously? Not trying to flame you. I think your trying to sabatoge your weight loss mentally.....and your in denial of your actions. Bottom line, you got to move to loose...you got to move to maintain. You can gain the weight back if you do not get on a exercise program and stay on it the rest of your life. Sandy in Tucson

I know your words come well intended and I appreciate your honesty. But the whole purpose of my original post was to admit that I did sabotage my weightloss and that I was in denial. but to say that I am currently in denial does not jibe well with me. I have been in therapy for a long time and have had to face many demons in my life and have come away a success. There is no denying that although I didn't lose the weight that I could have, I still lost a considerable amount of weight--on my own and I will do it again. I only needed to cleanse myself of the ugliness of my experience. I needed to share so that I could move on.

What a good post you've written, and as you said in a reply, you feel better for even putting it all in words. I think you've expressed your feelings well and seem to have a real good grip on the reasons behind being "stuck" for so long. You should be proud of yourself for the tremendous progress you did make--120+ lbs. is nothing to sneeze at, and the fact that you've pretty much maintained that loss is great! Now--it's not too late to finish what you started! From what I can gather from these boards, the tool still works several years post-wls, but of course not at the speed and relative ease that it did the first year. But you have every reason to feel hopeful that you can still lose a significant amount of weight if you want to and if you make the changes you know you should. I hope you find a caring, knowledgeable nutritionist. Don't get stuck in the "all or nothing" mode of thinking--just start making step-by-step changes--and don't feel like if you don't make 100% perfect choices every day that you're a failure again. Not everybody, but MOST of us on the grads board struggle with either maintaining our goal or getting to our goal in the first place. I know I would ideally like to be about 7-10 lbs. less, but since my body seems to "like" this weight, and it's a big enough struggle to maintain it within about 5 lbs., I've just decided to claim this as my goal. It's hard for me every day, and if I didn't exercise, I'd be a dead duck. I hope in addition to whatever eating changes you make, you'll really make a commitment to working out/walking/etc. I think it makes a huge difference. Best of luck to you, and thanks for sharing with us. Other people struggling and making "confessions" helps us all to stay focused. Jo 295/155 (at goal)

I had a doctor who was known for being kind of "cool" in the bedside manner department myself. If someone who had already had surgery with him hadn't warned me that he is not warm and fuzzy, I probably would have never gone back after the consultation. He asked personal questions while looking at people's charts in a group setting and I was embarassed for others, let alone being totally unwilling to open my mouth about myself!! I agree with others that you are a SUCCESS!! already, you just want to enlarge your base success to a newer level. And you CAN! It sounds like you are ready to go and achieve the next step. You GO!!!! Good Luck, Karen