HELP

I really feel for you after reading your letter. I wished that I could have my wife here to cuddle with and be with her. I am speaking for myself but we don't realize what is important in life until it is not there anymore. I would give anything to have her here. I am very proud of what you have acomplished and hope that he will realize how precious you are and am. And to open his eyes and see the beauty which is developing in front of his eyes. And that your not just a 3 minute drill or a race. You are a great women and will always be that way. He needs to remember the wedding vows are not just words but should be in his heart for you. For me I can't chage what I don't have, I lost my dear Nancy 2/13/2004. She had surgery at Madigan on 6/4/2003 and suffered each day until she went to heaven. You can contact me at [email protected], if you need some one to vent on Ernie, Oak Harbor, WA

Oh Ernie, Thank you so much for the kind words. I am so sorry for your loss! I wish so much that I could take away your pain. It's very evident that you miss your wife so much. I don't know why this surgery has to be so dangerous. We only want to be healthier and to live a better live (being healthier) than the one we had. I lost about 17 years of my life being unhealthy. I wish I could have those years back but we can't. I feel so much life now that I have a really hard time sitting around doing nothing. I have a hard time just sitting in front of the tv jus****ching a movie. I hid behind my weight for so many years that now that it's gone, I feel so much better about myself. I just want to share it with my husband. I just wish he felt the same. It's funny how life works. Well Ernie, I wish you the best and again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Arlene

I'm sooo sorry you are going through this. I had the same thing happen to me, with my friends in Texas. I'm moving back to Spokane next month, that is my home. anyway, my "friends" started really talking bad about me after my weight loss, first they were supportive, then as I kept getting smaller, it grew to nasty remarks, such "she took the easy way out" to "she's too thin now" & "men won't want you being that skinny" (I'm single) I have no real friends here where I live now, but I did this surgery for me!! My family is totally supportive as are my friends in Wa state!! These friends don't invite me to do anything anymore, not even lunch!! it hurts..but you hang in there!!

Arlene and to all of you who have had the surgery for weight loss. Maybe I was a wimp or I think I just loved my wife totally. Totally mean with the ups and downs of health and everything that goes with being with someone. It wasn't a cake walk in our 13 years of marriage BUT.... I was there from the very beginning to the end. Did I wish she didn't have the surgery YOUR DARN RIGHT!. BUT I suported my wife for everything she went through. We gave up many friends who turned their back because they thought IT WAS THE EASY WAY OUT. But they were not walking in her shoes. They did not know how hard it was to sleep with a mask each night. To have allergies and all that had to do with breathing. She loved me but she was very far from intimate for 10 years. So I was the one in front of the TV or with the children to make sure they were dressed and ready for school. It was not easy to see her go through what she was going through. But I can tell you I loved that women and in her way she loved me. I am sure there are guys who would say to leave her for greener pastures. But my pasture was green and I have no idea for another pasture to go to. Please forgive me for ranting on and on . But it just jerks my chain to see the real story of someone who needs someone to support her and but only for his needs. Hang in there Just hang here and get into a support goup and find someone to talk with go out with. I would have bend over backwards to take someone to Olive Garden. She would have deserved it without prompting. All of you take care and I can't say I know what you are going through but I did live with someone who was in her own world and it was hard But I was there for her 24/7 365 days a year. Only me Ernie and the Boys, Oak Harbor, WA

Hey Ernie, Wow, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for your support. Arlene

Arlene, Reading your post brings back a lot of memories. About 16 years ago I lost about 75lbs (through exercise and diet....aka "normal" way....yeah right), and my husband at the time became much like your husband. He became very insecure and actually said that I would end up leaving him for another man (had no desire to do that and HE ended up leaving me for another woman....my gain, his loss!!!). I'm not suggesting that you divorce your husband, but you MUST take care of yourself. Suggest counseling and if he doesn't want to go, you go by yourself. It's painfully obvious to me that he's got insecurity,trust, and control issues and is taking it out on you. Hmmmm, in my book this is "emotional abuse". You know, I'm wondering if the poor guy is just plain scared....maybe afraid that you will no longer love him, etc.....just a thought. Go out with your friends, get involved with the support groups, and when you want to go to Olive Garden.....GO!!! Let the couch potato stay home alone!!! I know that it is easier said than done....I've been there done that. Please take care of yourself. You are as important and needed as much as everyone else around you....maybe even more so. HUGS!!!! Beth

I am so sorry that you are going through this Arlene. We ALL want to feel loved and appreciated! After 25 years of marriage, my husband and I have been through every conceivable emotion allowed. I was 18 and he was 19 when we started dating and 20 and 21 when we married. I was feeling unloved and unappreciated a few years ago. I wanted to blame so much on him. But I realized the way I was feeling about him had so much to do about me! I was expecting too much from him. Unrealistic expectations actually. After some soul searching I realized that if I just appreciated what we had, who we were and where we have been, that things started falling into place again. I think he felt the pressure to "measure" up to my unrealistic expectations. After I quit demanding things from him, we started communicating again and basically rededicated our lives and commitment to each other again. Marriage is definitely difficult. Throw a man in that and it gets downright crazy at times! Keep your chin up Arlene. Don't give up. Keep working on you and everything will fall into place. Janna