Just saying hi...

Well, it's been a bit since I've updated. Seems like a lot longer than a week! Last time I posted I was a bit nervous. Well, that's not true, I was a LOT nervous, anxious, and wondering what the heck I was thinking! I kept praying and asking for peace and when I went to see my counselor on the 18th, we discussed the anxiety and she gave me some ways to combat it. She had me write out all of my negative thoughts and turn them into positives. The biggest ones, I have to admit, were that if I died (wasn't so worried about dying myself, but how it would affect my kids) I wouldn't want them to think that Mommy was being selfish or something for doing this surgery. The guilt was just overwhelming me tremendously in that "I can't do this to my babies! If I die, they will hate me for this!" But, I talked to my therapist about it and we 'turned it into a positive'. I told her that the reason I was wanting to do it was so that I could be a better mom for them, so that I could go horseback riding with them. I could ride bikes with them, I could go rollerblading with them, etc. and not just sit and watch and eventually have to go back in the house because I felt like utter garbage for not being able to be with them and share in their fun. And when they say, "Mommy! Come ride with us!" I just say, "No, that's alright, I'm having fun watching you!" when in reality I'm too fat to do it! So, after my therapy session I came home and was completely honest with my kids. I told them flat out exactly why I was having it. (They're 11 and 7.) I told them that I wanted to be a better mom, that I was too tired all the time to do fun things with them and I explained it this way. I told my daughter, "Imagine that if everytime you got up for anything - and I mean anything - like getting a drink, going to the bathroom, taking out the trash, getting the mail, walking upstairs, getting dressed, etc. that you had to carry your brother with you. Everytime. (He weighs about 70 pounds.) Wouldn't you eventually want to stop getting up and doing things? If you wanted to go ride your scooter, you had to pick up your brother and take him with you on your back. You wouldn't really want to do it would you? Or, if you wanted to rollerblade, you had to have your brother on your back. You wouldn't want to, or it may be too difficult for you. She got the picture and so did my son. I explained it that way to my husband, too. I told him the same thing, but about carrying our daughter (she weighs about 130). I said, "You realize that I'm 160 pounds or so overweight - which means that I'm carrying around our daughter and then some everytime that I get up to do anything!" So, anyway, after explaining all of this to my kids and my husband, the fear and anxiety all went away. My daughter has been asking me lots of questions and I've been answering them all completely openly and honestly. She wanted to know exactly how long the surgery would take, how long I'd be at the hospital, what the surgery entails, etc. so I've explained everything to her and she is now at peace with it. I've really been calm and peaceful for the last week or so. I do not feel anxious hardly at all. I have a few minutes here and there, but overall I feel very good about it. I really don't think that God will take me at this point, I just don't feel that. But even if he does, my kids will be taken care of. I have a good husband and my parents would be more than willing to take them or help out if necessary. I just can't tell you how calm I've been. It's been wonderful. I am completely and totally at peace with the whole thing. So, yesterday I had my final consultation with Northwest Center for Weight Management. What happens is that I see Dr. Cho and NWC for Weight Mgmt. does all of the pre-op stuff - everything from the lab work to the getting approval from TriWest to ordering any testing, etc. and then I go see Dr. Cho for the pre-op appointment. So, I have done the consultation with them, filled out the paperwork, and have done the final consultation with them (discussing paperwork and answering any final questions) and now it's all on them. They submit everything to the insurance and just wait. She said (Janelle) that now I could just practice chewing, LOL! I have to give a shout-out to the people at Northwest Center for Weight Management. I've spoken to both Susan and Janelle there and they are BOTH absolutely wonderful to deal with and talk to. Janelle is the program manager and I've had more contact with her. She has been an absolute angel, answered all my questions, been incredibly informative and has just been super supportive. I live about 2-1/2 hours away so she's arranged for me to have all of my pre-op stuff done close by me. She's even helped me find those people close to me. Anyway, that's about all I've got for now. It's just a waiting game now, waiting for everything to be approved and do my psych, nutrition, and lab work and I'm on my way. I'm looking at probably late March or early April to have this done. But that's just my guess!!

Hi Girlie!! I am soo glad to hear you are at peace with this!! I was the same exact way! I knew my heart was right with God, my family, friends and especially my daughter. We had so many long nights of talks, prayers, sharing information, looking up medical info...etc... I couldn't explain to anyone this sheer feeling of peace I had! It was unexplainable! I remember on the way to the hospital that morning, my friends kept saying "are you nervous yet..." and I'd smile and say "nope!"... in the waiting room... "are you nervous yet...?" and I'd say "NOPE!..." as they were putting the IV in my arm and my friend was being ushered out of the room... "are you nervous YET???..." and I smiled and said "Nope... I know God is watching over me... I'll see ya in a few hours....." I came through with flying colors and did see my friend and my daughter (and a few other people ) in a few hours! Looking back.. I know the peace came from exactly what you said in your post... my heart being right with God & having my daughters complete understanding and support. I never once doubted that the Lord would leave my side, and sentence my daughter to being mother-less. You are such a positive, upbeat person girlie that I know you will be just fine! But having your children understand, WoW! that makes all the difference doesn't it!? Keep those positive thoughts going thru that pretty head of yours and you'll come through with flying colors too. You deserve to be in the middle of life.. no****ching it from the sidelines as many of us here have. You go girl, and if ya ever need anything, most of us are just an email away! XoXo~ Kimanne

Can I just say that I love you?! You are such a sweetheart and I have really enjoyed getting to 'know' you here on the boards. Will you be my angel when I have my surgery??? Please, please, please?

Awwwww I love you too I'd be honored to be your angel Keep me posted and I'll be there with bells on XoXo~ Kim