Ambushed!

Well all, after my last post asking about how you have dealt with disapproving families I thought I had it all figured out on how to deal with mine. Needless to say, I obviously didn't. I went to my mom's in Spokane this last weekend to celebrate the holidays and got an unexpected surprise. My mom had planned an 'intervention' on my behalf, to change my mind on the weight loss surgery. First, she told me all about a patient at the hospital where she's a nurse (whom she had discussed this with) and lo and behold it's a WLS patient she's been treating all week. Apparently this particular person has lost nearly 250 lbs and although she has lost the weight is in trouble medically. Her skin was all red and hard and she had skin infections from the excess skin. My mom said that she said I was insane to even consider this as an option and hat if she could do it all over again there would be no way she would do it. Then, she brought my wife and 3 kids into the living room and laid the guilt trip on me. She said that I was being inconsiderate of my kids and how could I be so selfish to abandon them. I was overwhelmed but still tried to talk calmly and clearly about the reasons that my wife and I were doing this in the first place. We wanted to do this 'for' the kids and not to abandon them. I know that without some type of radical change I will not be alive to see them with their own children. I guess I just needed to discuss my weekend and get it off my chest. I stilll am undeterred, but am now sad that I can't include my mom and sister in any of this. So, from now on it's a non-existent subject between my mom and myself. I'll call her when I'm done. Thanks for listening, Greg

Greg, I'm so sorry you had this experience. I decided, for this very reason, not to tell my family of my surgery. I happen to have the advantage of living ACROSS THE COUNTRY from all of my family, so it was rather easy to "hide". I did tell them I was having surgery, but I was not completely forth coming with everything I was having done. I had a hiatal hernia repair and my gallbladder removed, as well as gastric bypass. I didn't lie to them, but I did omit the gastric bypass part. Now, for all intense purposes omission is lieing, but I just could not put myself through what I knew their reactions would be. My husband and I researched this surgery together, and made an informed decision. My husband told me that I am an adult, and that it was my decision whether or not to tell them. Again, I am so very sorry that this happened to you, but hang tough, and make the right decision for YOU, not THEM. Whether it is having the surgery, or not having the surgery, they do not have to walk in your shoes for the rest of your life...you do! Take Care, and my thoughts are with you! Laura

Laura, do they know now? If so, how did they find out and now did they take it? I am now 5 months out and my family still doesn't know. I was going to tell them over Christmas because I thought we would have moved by then. As it is, I may be bald before I get to tell them. That won't impress them. I didn't tell them before because they would have freaked out. I found a lump in my breast over Thanksgiving. The US 2 weeks later showed another lump. That was almost too much for her. I am happy I waited to tell them. Although, there is so much I want to talk with her about and haven't be able to. My mom really is my best friend. Hat

G'mornin Hat Girl, No, none of my family knows yet. I am not certain I will ever tell them. I think, my parents would be very hurt that I did not have enough confidence in them to tell them, and I absolutely cannot stand the guilt of hurting my folks. I also think, that my mom would sit and worry constantly, and I would not be able to tell her if I had aches and pains and whatnot, without making her worry. I have had a lot of aches and pains, although not one REAL complication lol. My mom and I are very close as well. She lives in Colorado, and we literally talk on the phone every evening. I guess I have never cut the apron strings. I am the youngest of 4 girls, so that probably explains it...LOL I am sorry you are losing your hair. I am noticing that I lose about a handful every day when I wash mine too I have a lot of hair, I'm hoping that compensates for some of it...LOL HEY I HAVE AN IDEA!!!! You can tell YOUR mom first, and let me know how it goes, and then I will decide if I should tell my mom or not :P I am just positive my mom will freak. I had told her when I had lost 40 pounds, and she started in with the..."that is enough, you do not need to lose anymore...blah blah blah". I guess she thinks being 50 pounds overweight is "healthy" YUCK!!!!!! (She has never had a weight issue, she is just right, and always has been...not too skinny...not too fat, and she eats how she wants). Another reason I have not told my family, is I have one sister who has an eating disorder. She is constantly comparing herself to other people. She really is not overweight, she is just right, but she is always talking about how fat she is, etc. She binges and purges. She could maybe stand to lose 10 to 15 pounds. I would be afraid that my surgery would trigger something in her, and she would attempt to find some quack to do it for her, just so she could have the surgery too. I would NEVER want to feel responsible for that happening. Okay, I'll stop babbling now! You have a great day!!! Congrats on your weight loss, and I will say a quick prayer for your hair :P Laura

"HEY I HAVE AN IDEA!!!! You can tell YOUR mom first, and let me know how it goes, and then I will decide if I should tell my mom or not :P" Oh sure, make me go first again. I have to tell my parents I had surgery. Before surgery, I made my kids promise to not tell my parents that I was having surgery. My two oldest even spent 2 weeks with my parents right before my surgery. It was a hard thing to explain to them why they shouldn't tell. On one hand, I want them to know they should never ever hide things from me. On the other hand, I was setting a really bad example. I explained that I didn't want to worry my parents. But, I also explained that I would want to know if they were trying to hide something from me even if they thought it was for my own good. In the end, they agreed but only if I come clean to my parents. I think I will step out of the car, shock them, answer a few questions and then show them the website so they can read all of the details. Then, I'll let them sleep on it for a night before we really discuss it. At this point, I have no clue how they will react. It could go either way and probably both ways.

WOW!! That is shocking! I am sorry that you had to endure so much - I'm not sure what I'd do if anyone in my family pulled such a stunt. I'm sure it was done in complete love and concern and definitely some fear, but sometimes intention doesn't sing louder than actions. I will pray, Greg, that you are able to navigate those relationships with grace and love and that things are mended between all family members. You keep on doing what you know is right for you and your family! Be encouraged! Nancy

I had my shrink totaly against me on this. She said she didn't believe in it. The people who had been banded and work for my surgon said, "what, is she against you being happy?". That made me really think about it all. This is for you. If our friends and family have a better idea (besides DIET AND EXERSIZE) let them tell you all about it. This angers me. Keep on with what you know is right fo you.

gosh Greg, I'm so sorry part of your family is unsupportive in your decision. I didn't tell my family until the week before, because I was afraid of their reaction, why, I don't know...just was. Anyway, I see it as you doing it FOR your kids, I did it for MY 6 yr old son. We had our child late in life (took forever to conceive) and I want to be around to enjoy my Grandchildren someday!!! Best of luck to you and {{{hugs}}} Cori

Hi Greg, I am sorry to hear that you were ambushed. You and you alone have to live in your body. None of the people who are against you having this wls has to struggle to sit, stand, lay down or wipe their behind due to their size. If they did then they would understand our desire to better ourselves. People around us become "used" to the way that we depend upon them or the way that they are able to treat or deal with us, due to our inabilities to function properly or due to our low self esteem. This is THEIR problem and they can "fix" themselves. We cannot kill ourselves just to alleviate their discomfort, or inability to adjust to the new us, their fears of us changing, or fears about the surgery. You need to live your life the in the way that you are able to do best. If you were not desperate to improve your life then you likely wouldn't be contemplating such a serious change in your life. I personally want to wish you the very best and look forward to hearing that you have a date. As I always tell my kids, "Make your choices worthy of you" its your body and your life. Best wishes, good luck

Greg, I am so sorry about your family not being supportive. I understand totally. My family did the guilt thing on me and then refused to be in town when I was having surgery. At 7.5 months out they are my biggest supporters and cant tell me enough how good I look. I am always saying that this the result of the surgery. My husband and his family were totally supportive. Share the good parts and omit the bad until you are about a year out. You can invite your mom to the Spokane support group that meets on the third thursdays of the month to ask her questions and see a group of people who would not have been alive now if they had not had the surgery. It is a great group and lots of family do come with people who are checking out the surgery. The most important thing is that you have to make the choice for yourself and your family. For me and mine it was the best choice ever! I would do it all again. Question: The lady with the skin...was she not taking care of it properly and in touch with her doctor or was she trying to get the PS paid for by her insurance. There is a group here in Spokane who tells you what you need to do in order to get the insurance to do the PS they want like, getting a hernia, infections, etc. Just my 2 cents worth. Hang in there and you have our support! -Gerriann Lap RNY 5/14/04 153+ pounds gone forever! It is a grand new year!