lost (X post)

I am sitting here at my desk, in my office with the door closed at almost 1 a.m bawling like an idiot. I am so scared that I am going to die because of my weight, or at the very least continue to merely exist because of it. I am in a pretty out-of-the-way area in WA State, and have no-one at all I can kanoodle with about this. My husband wants me to have the surgery, my family and therapist support me 100%, but I have no idea where to find a compassionate and understanding PCP, expecially one who has a clue where to start with WLS!! To top it all off, I have Medicare/Medicaid and and am trying to wade through all the red tape BS on my own. Needless to say I am confused and drowning. I don't want to die like this!! I'm 31-years-old and I am merely existing. I know this effects my husband and family immensly, but most days I cannot bring myself to leave the house unless I have to take the dog out. I do run errends 2 times a month, but it's impossible for me to go alone because of the fear and anxiety I have in public (agoraphobia). My husband and I have not been intimate in a very long time. I refuse to allow him to see me nude-hell, I refuse to look in the mirror myself if I am naked! I'm a good person and I have so much yet to accomplish before I leave this life, but I am afraid this is my lot. I know when I started gaining the weight and why, but that knowledge does me no good.  I don't know what to do any more. I get tempted-so tempted-to just curl up in a ball, cover my ears and just give in. Thanks for 'Listening'

((((((((((Cindy))))))))) I can very much relate to your post.  I had become quite the homebody in the last years and I know I missed out on so much by being that way.  I am, for now, the "fat friend" and had a hard time doing girls day out to the mall or something like that, because I knew I would hold my friends back.  They would have never said it, but I knew it in my heart.  I always felt like people were staring at me, felt like the biggest person around when I would go to my kids school funtions, hated going out to eat, etc.  Until I had that first appointment with my PCM, I felt I too was merely exsisting.  I can imagine a lot of us here have felt or still feel the same way. I wish I had a magic wand that would not only bring you closer to us here, but that you would be able to see my doctors I have had the good fortune of having up to this point.  They are my angels and are truly saving my life, my families life, and my sanity. I pray you are able to find a good doctor who will listen to your concerns and see how much you want to live (happily).  There are many people who have dealt with the medicare/medicaid system who may be able to shed some light on that for you.  I see it discussed quite a bit on the main RnY forum. Good luck to you girl, and know we are ALWAYS here for you! 

Hi Cindy, I know how you feel, been there, still am kinda, waiting for my dietician to sign me off, so I can get things moving faster, I too at one point wanted to just hibernate my life away , everything felt almost usless. but just know it is not. there is alot to live on for, and pursue this journey. does medicare/medicade have a referral service, yoiu might want to start there, otherwise just make an appt. with a pcm and if you don't feel comfortable then go to another one til you do, it may take a wile but you WILL find one you like, if you want to talk I am avail, just pm me. (((((((((cindy))))))))

Thank you soooooo much. I am sitting here crying, agina, but because I never really expected anyone would understand. I have isolated myself for so long, I guess I just made up my mind that there was no-one out there who felt what I do. I was up late last night doing some research, and found a doc in Chelan (about 45 minutes away from me) who assisted one of her patients in getting the RNY. I don't know the details but I am hopeful, while trying to stay realistic. I also read through some of the doctor profiles for our local clinic and have a few I am going to 'try on for size' asap (making appointments Monday). I will keep you posted!

Hi, Cindy - I'm so glad you are feeling more hopeful this morning...  Please know that you will always find support and understanding here.  We all haven't gone through the exact same things, but we've all had our weight affect our lives in so many ways...  When I read your first post, I was going to make a couple suggestions, and I still will.  Do you have a surgeon picked out for the surgery?  If so, I would definitely ask his office staff if they could give you some names of PCPs that are pro-WLS.  I know you are somewhat remote, but you will find a good PCP who will support you in your journey for WLS!!  Hang in there - and know that you can always post here.  Take care of you...

Is there any way you can get over the hill for support groups? It might help you just to talk with others,pre, post, short term, long terms......

We have meetings here in Puyallup next week. Feb 12, 13, for anyone, any doc, any surgery type and 14 for bands only, 7pm.

I know some of the docs from whom you are choosing, so if you wanted to talk, there's listening ears over here.

Hi Cindy, I don't really have anything to add except that you have my support and I think that you are very brave to be able to post like you have and share your feelings.  Also the 2nd post down on this forum there is a post titled oh members need your help.  There are several posts listing drs that take medicare/medicad, I wasn't sure if you had looked at this.  Its a good place to start and you might be able to get a reference to someone else if that person can't help. Good Luck!!

Cindy, Welcome to the place where you are loved and accepted no matter what!! I have felt like I have been existing for so long and not really living. I was talking to my best friend of 24 years and we were talking about weight and being fat, and I told her the hardest part of being the way i am is that I have become "INVISABLE". Bless her heart she had no idea what I was talking about until I explained.....being invisable means 1.no one in public like to make eye contact with you 2. when people are in front of you walking into a store they will not hold the door for you going in or out. 3. when you are in a group of people they will all interact with each other but you are not included. 4. when girlfriends are going out for a girls nite, they dont want to bring the D.U.F.F 5.if you ask the waitress for your table a question,she rolls her eyes and talks to you hot husband 7. hearing hateful comments about you that people think you cant hear but you ARE in the same room. My girlfriend then told me she got it and understood. All of us on here have our demons and pains that eat at us. I have only met one lady on here face to face and for the 10 minutes we talked I felt a connection. There was a warmness and a look in her eye of understanding.You should be proud of yourself for reaching out and talking about what is bothering you. I love that I was given this site and the chance to talk to so many that have accepted and welcomed me. Reach out and pour your heart out and know you are surrounded by loving,caring,helpful friends!!

((((((Cindy)))))))

Hi Cindy, Hang in there.  I think there are a lot of us that have felt the despair you are feeling and I can tell you that there is hope.  Medicare does cover WLS and the fact that you have Medicare means that you can have whichever surgery you decide you want.  Don't try to figure the red tape out on your own.  When you decide on a surgeon they will have someone on staff whose job it is to handle all of the Medicare stuff.  Since you are in a rural location you will probably need to travel to get your surgery so I'd advise you to find the best surgeon, not the closest one.  You will be traveling anyway. As for PCPs, you may be surprised at how many of them are supportive of WLS.  I was very nervous about approaching my doctor about it but when I did she was very supportive.  I think she was just waiting for me to bring it up.  She initially referred me to an RNY surgeon but after meeting with him I did my own research and decided on the Duodenal Switch instead.   My PCP was very willing to read the information I provided her about it and continued to be supportive.  I am in Seattle but my surgeon is in San Francisco so my PCP does most of my follow up labs now.  She has been great.  I know Seattle is a long trip for you but if you want my PCP's info I would be happy to PM it to you.  If you can make it to Seattle (Tukwila actually) on Saturday we are having a DS meeting and  we have Dr. John Rabkin flying up from San Francisco to speak to us.  He does a great presentation on the history of WLS and the current surgical options.  The thing I like best about him is that he will answer any questions.  He is very approachable and I have never seen him refuse to answer a question. He will even chat with you privately if you are not comfortable asking something in the group.  This would be a great chance for you to get to talk with a bariatric surgeon without having to pay for an appointment. And he is one of the best bariatric surgeons in the world.  For the meeting details just follow the link in my signature.  It has the address and everything.  If the pass is too scary this month he should be back in April.  You can also watch the presention online at www.paclap.com but it is better in person because you can ask questions.  It has been a couple of days since your post so hopefully you are feeling better.  I'm thinking good thoughts for you.  Take Care, Laura