Need Advice: Food out of control while caring for Mom with terminal cancer

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My loved one received their cancer diagnosis out the blue last week. We're still waiting to hear on the biopsy results, but given the particular way it has spread, the prognosis is not good. It's all a bit surreal right now, because my loved one does not feel nor look sick. Other than a bit of fatigue and a slightly swollen belly, they have no symptoms. It just doesn't seem possible that they may only have months to live.

So we are different in that you've already reached goal and caring for your mom, while I'm only 2 months post-op and the intense caretaking has yet to begin. But the past week has been a big struggle for me in terms of eating, and I completely understand where you're coming from.

I received a lot of great suggestions in the thread Gwen linked to. There's 2 parts to this- keeping yourself appropriately nourished during the day, and avoiding emotional eating at night. It sounds like it's the emotional eating at night that's really causing you trouble, not helped as you say by the sweets you need to keep on hand for your mom.

As an emotional eater/food addict in therapy myself, imo the best thing you could for yourself is seek out a good therapist (not always an easy task I know).

Are you still following up at your bariatric centre? Or are you still entitled to follow up? If so, you should call them and ask to see a social worker, or whoever they have on staff for psycho-social support.

Another avenue to explore is whether your mom's cancer centre/hospital offers counseling to family members of patients. Besides supporting you in your grief and in your role as caregiver, they may be able to refer you to someone who could help with the eating issue.

As a sort of harm reduction strategy, are there things you could snack on at night that aren't quite so bad? I'm thinking of things like Quest bars, Smart Cakes, Mt Olive sugar-free sweet pickles, Moon Cheese, pork rinds. Low or zero carb, zero sugar products that can still feel soothing to eat. Not the best thing to do in the world, but maybe it could help as a start, or a stepping stone while working on cutting out the emotional eating completely.

Hugs to you, MissNexxie. Be kind to yourself.

please read the comment posted above for nexxie. Those same tips may assist you. good ideas for late night snacking! Pork skins are one of my favs.

I avoid common sugar substitiutes. They increase MY hunger. I use stevia( pyure brand) or "Now" brand as they are processed wihout chemicals. If it says diet/ no sugar or low cal it has asparatine in some form or name in it. I am sensitive to it. used splenda for a while and found details of its processing.

Thanks, sweetpotato. You gave some good advice. It always helps to hear from others who have gone through the same thing.

btw, I'm a big believer in probiotic supplementation, every since I learned the majority of our serotonin is created in the gut. I've also been reading about Vitamin K lately, and am planning to add it to my supplement regime.

Nexxie I am so sorry about your mom. You obviously care about her a great deal and I can only imagine how difficult this is. Take care yourself.

Nexxie, if you are able to leave your mom for periods of time, I would suggest hiring a trainer. That's what I did when I moved to my dad's town to care for him in his final months. It gave me an hour of "me" time. I went almost every day so had to find an affordable one. But it was worth it. It kept me on track and gave me an outlet. Some days I absolutely didn't want to go because I had been up with him all night. But I kept my appts and always felt better for it. And my dad was glad I was doing something for myself.

As others have said, be kind to yourself. I know from past posts that you and I share having tough relationships with our moms. And I too have just gone through a scare with mine. She was diagnosed with a particular nasty form of breast cancer about two months ago. At 88! I'm afraid I may be on the same path that you are.

Big hugs to you.

Hello All,

I am popping my head up to let you all know that I appreciate your words of advice and encouragement.

It has been a hellish few months. My Mom passed very quickly, on October 16, just a little over a month after my original post. It was fast, painful and swept the rug out from under me. While I was fully committed to helping her stay at home as long as possible it took a toll on me. Aside from scheduled pain meds every 4 hrs I was often up many times thru the night giving breakthrough doses while we tried different meds and dosages. We eventually moved to subcu fluids and pain meds which i managed but that only lasted for a wee****il she went downhill, ended up in the hospital due to shortness of breath and passed 5 short days later. Total time from diagnosis was 2.5 months.

I am undone. My brother, instead of being a support said horrible things to me during mom's illness, while she was in the hospital (I was in charge of her personal directive) and in the times after. Even accused me of stealing from her home when he wasn't there (he inherited the house/belongings in a very fair arrangement Mom made years ago, but I stayed there during her illness and in the week after the funeral). Things said that cannot be unsaid and I've had to divorce him from my life. Stuff you can't overlook because he's 'family'. If he was a friend I'd have stopped being friends and if he was the husband of a friend I'd have suggested divorce. So, in a short time I've lost my Mom in a very fast and painful way, my brother after many attempts to forgive but no longer can, and any connection to her via that house. And less than two weeks ago my aunt (mom's sister) who promised to be my substitute Mom had a stroke and is now in the hospital 4 hrs away for the foreseeable future. Her daughter (my cousin) was my rock while I was up with Mom and now she's dealing with her own tragedy and caring for her Mom, who's future is still pretty scary and unceratain. It's just too much.

And I've fallen completely apart. Shortly before Mom's diagnosis in July I'd started the hormone patch to help with menopause issues and since July have gained 35 lbs, had to buy all new clothes, my blood pressure is through the roof, vyvanse not working, anxiety and the sads abound, and I can't find my way.

I wanted to do all the things the right way and be proactive on self-care but got lost in the pain and constant busyness of caring for a terminally ill person and then in the aftermath of her passing I go between complete numbness and emotional wreckage. went on a cruise last week with my cousin to try and boost my spirits (My hubby's idea, not mine) and that's when my aunt had the stroke.

I think I broke my sleeve and know I've lost my way. I'm seeing my family physician tomorrow because when I finally did take my BP today first time in monthsit was dangerously high. I need that addressed. probabaly want to stop the damn hormones, maybe Vyvanse, too. Just not sure what to do. And, can't see my surgeon because my surgery was covered by the province, not self pay and I was 'discharged' from the program after 1 year.

And Mom loved Christmas and since we've been besieged with it since the day after Halloween it's like a million paper cuts. It's just constant reminders. That's my story. I have no words of Joy or success or rocking my sleeve. I've become one of the people I swore I wouldn't. I swore I wouldn't wreck this gift but i have. So, yah.

I am so very, very sorry that you've gone through all of these things in such quick succession. Even one would be enough of a challenge to cope with.

I don't know if you're looking for advice or just commiseration, so I'll risk offering some advice. Your local hospice might be a good resource for you to look into - they might have a bereavement group that you could join or a staff social worker that you could talk with. A therapist might also be really beneficial to help you work through this. I know there are also end of life/death doulas in Canada, and connecting with one might be useful.

Talking with your doctor is definitely a good idea, so I hope that's helpful and that you're able to share all of this with them to get you pointed in a better direction.

And all of that said, your sleeve is NOT broken. It'll be there for you when you get back. Try to be kind to yourself, seek help from the professionals around you, and remember to breathe. You haven't wrecked anything - you'll get to where you want to be.

I agree what you have been through is more than one person can take. But you are strong and you can get back on track with all things. It's going to take some time trust me. Ditto on what Gwen said about the support group and reaching out to others. You will know when the time is right. Right now you are drained, hurt beyond words and so damn angry. I lost my husband 3 years ago after being his only care giver. Others in your family who didn't step up DO NOT UNDERSTAND and it's seems they never said thank you.

Take it one day at a time and you may try and fail a few times but that is OK. It will click. I have a list of getting back to the basics that helped me once I crawled out of my rabbit hole (I really didn't care for almost a year). I gained 60 pounds and finally said enough is enough and back on track.

We hope you come here often and reach out for the support and encouragement you need right now.

Take care,

Kathy