Talking about weight

I don't really remember feeling uncomfortable when people would talk about weight loss in front of me when I was obese. I had the skinny BFF when I was a fat teenager who would complain about feeing fat when she was all of 105 lbs, but it never really bothered me.

Over the years I've learned that I can't be responsible for how other people feel about things. It's one thing to go on and on yourself about how you can't believe how much you used to eat and OMG, look at the calories on that salad and OMG are you REALLY going to eat that??? You are not doing any of this, but you're feeling uncomfortable for just existing, which is not your fault.

I notice that this seems to bother you quite a lot--you also had the situation with the farmer's market lady. It's not your problem that her mother doesn't have a filter or manners, but you let it be your problem and affect you. These are grown adult people and you are not responsible for managing their emotional well-being and you'll just drive yourself to distraction by constantly wondering if they're being made uncomfortable because of something that is being said to you about you.

It sucks, but just keep on doing what you're doing and hopefully your friends will get the message and shut the **** up about your weight. Eventually you'll just be cute little Gwen. If not, it might be time to privately contact some of these people that are constantly on about your weight and make it clear that the subject is not up for discussion. I know you don't like confrontation (neither do I), but you have a choice to make. Continue feeling responsible for other's feelings or take the bull by the horns and shut it down in no uncertain terms. If they don't abide by your wishes, then you have to make the choice whether you want to continue associating with them or not. If they ask why, then you can tell them that you're tired of being put on the spot. Then they'll either see the light or peg you as a ***** in which case you're better off without them anyway.

It's a tough situation, but you need to take care of you, not your friends who might be afraid of a little introspection.

Jen

I definitely get what you're saying. In the situation with the farmers market mom I feel the issue is exacerbated by her daughter's history and that adds to my discomfort. In this case, I also find myself concerned by how the (thankfully****asional babble about my weight when I'm with friends is impacting my obese friends.

But, mainly, it bugs me that I don't remember how I felt when I was the obese person in those situations and that I'm somehow projecting my own bias that isn't even based in any sort of reality.

I'm definitely not responsible for managing anyone else's emotional well-being, and, honestly, I'm already doing everything I can to quash these conversations when they get going. So it's not like I could do anything beyond what I'm doing. I did, after the most recent instance, ask my partners to not engage in these conversations when we're with people and to help me in my efforts of subject changing. I'm hopeful that this will help going forward.

You are a sweet and genuine person. I understand what you're saying about having forgotten how you used to feel because I think I have, too. We've moved on and it's painful to see people we care about stuck in place where we used to be. Good on you for taking control and enlisting your partners. I hope it'll all settle down one day and you can just be you. :D

Jen

I've been dieting since the age of 7, so weight talk was always a touchy subject. It still is now. Having lost, regained, and lost again - it's maintenance that's the beast. If the subject of weight loss does come up in my presence - I talk about nutrition. I also stress nutrition and exercise with my clients as a part of what they can do for their mental health.

I have to say I am really afraid of all this, because I haven't gotten to where I want to be to even start maintenance. And that is what I completely skipped the last time. But my goal with maintenance is to stay here for the support these boards provide.

So far it doesn't bother me now, but mostly because I spend my life surrounded only by people who a) know about my surgery, and b) have been nothing but supportive and my biggest cheering section. I have yet to be in a situation where I'm in a group of strangers where my weight loss has come up, so I can't speak to it yet. I'm getting out more, doing more, and I know it will happen.

In the very beginning, when we would go out to a restaurant and I would make my special order, my baby sister would say something about my surgery. If anyone else had done it, it probably would have ticked me off. But coming from her, I knew it was from love and that she was so proud of me for doing something positive about my weight, so I let her have her moments :)

In the old days, though, I hated conversations about weight loss or dieting when I was around. I didn't begrudge people talking about it, because the country is obsessed with weight one way or the other. But it always made me self-conscious, and forced me to look at myself honestly...which we all know we never really did. I mean, I was always the biggest person in the room, so I KNEW people were...forgive the pun...sizing me up when the issue of diet or weight loss came up. Once, when out with my other SMO besties, and the subject turned to diet, etc., I just said "Really, do we have to talk about dieting every time we go out to EAT?!" It frustrated me.

I do have a sister, though, who is also SMO. She is in that weird place I used to be...on the one hand, supportive and thrilled for the person who is losing weight (in this case, me), but on the other hand, I know that each of my successes makes her feel worse about herself. Coupled with the fact that she desperately wants WLS but can't have it--her insurance doesn't cover it, she can't afford to self-pay, and she can't get a loan for it--I feel bad for her when the subject comes up when she's around. All I can do is make sure I constantly let her know I'm here for her and will help her in any way I can, and am always a shoulder for her to lean on.

I'm honest about how I lost the weight if someone asks. I've only run into the "I did it the hard way" comment once...had to resist rolling my eyes and starting a lecture on how freaking hard this is...but I didn't say anything. That time. No guarantees about the next one lol

I'm sorry about your sister, that sounds very heartbreaking. :(

I probably should have expected my recent surgery to reignite conversations about my weight, but.. yeah. I didn't see that coming.

I'm pre-op, so I can't speak to thoughts on discussing post-surgical weight loss, but I don't think I've ever been particularly bothered by friends discussing successful weight loss of other friends in my presence. I think it potentially would make me feel uncomfortable if we really lingered on the topic for ages and ages, but I have a casual friend who got the sleeve and I haven't felt any twinge of jealousy or discomfort when talking about her success. If anything, seeing that success and talking about it was one of the motivating factors for me to start looking into surgical options for my own weight issues.

I get uncomfortable when people make comments about obesity as if I wasn't obese literally weeks ago. Like I don't still carry the scars of that experience. Now that I think of it, that happened when I was really heavy too, but if I said something like "hey, you know I'm included in that group you're generalizing about in a negative way", I'd get the "oh, I didn't mean you!" excuse.

Tonight a friend was talking about flying and complaining about how the last time she flew she got stuck next to the guy who needed a seatbeat extender. She made a face and said "ugh!" I was with a few other family members, so I didn't want to get into it, but I was that person and I was mortified to have to ask for that extender. And mortified to be a fat flyer encroaching on someone else's space.

She's a lovely person, so I think she just wasn't thinking about her audience or that my emotions about the subject didn't magically change because I've lost weight.

I wonder if the problem we have as a country is that we haven't been talking about healthy eating and weight control?

I wonder if there is a positive way to discuss weight loss, management, and control? A way to discuss the topic where it isn't a put down or preaching how it should be done.

There isn't any magic pill, but our culture got out of hand with big business promoting all the wrong foods constantly at us every day. Lobbying our government so that the recommended food pyramid is heavy on carbs. Where the corn industry has embedded corn products into a huge number of foods. High fructose corn syrup and corn starch.

Those of us here in "new religion land" are pursuing a new way to live. But it doesn't mean that we will succeed. We have to constantly work at eating healthy proteins first, then unprocessed vegetables, and mind that what carbohydrates/starches we take in are high fiber and not just glue for our hips.

Perhaps we can start a new way of communicating with our friends rather than avoiding the subject?

Just thinking here...

I am an open book about my weight.

As a young person, I was never offended when others spoke about weight loss. My BFF was tall and skinny and her 5 pound weight issues didn't bother me at all.

As a 30-40 year old adult, I wasn't bothered either. None of my immediate friends had WLS but tried every diet under the sun. Some were successful, some were not. Weight conversations never bothered me. Yes, I was very aware of my weight but no one fat shamed me to my face--too outspoken for that.

Now, after WLS, if someone asks how I lost the weight, I tell them--honestly. I want them to know from me that the magic wand doesn't exist--it takes dedication and hard work--and yes, I fall off the path, brush myself off, and start again the next day. I know my weight may continue to be a topic--yes, some days I wi**** were not. However, I have been approached by many who wish to lose weight. They thank me for being honest about my WL. Some say WLS is not for them; a few had the surgery.

You cannot control what others think. May I suggest you speak with your friends privately and tell them your thoughts. That you like spending time with them and appreciate their friendship. Nothing has changed except your weight.