Loss of Friends

I'm sad and just need to get this out...

When I started my journey (beginning with research) a very good friend of mine was also interested in weight loss surgery so we went to various seminars together.  We talked about how great it would be to get surgery at the same time so we could struggle together.  Even laughed about the possibility of a 2 for 1.  This friend and I were close and grew closer together during the research part of all this.  

I had been on this forum for awhile before my surgery and had heard from the veterans about how relationships may change as I lose weight.  I expressed this concern to this friend and even recall saying to her specifically, "if anyone I consider a friend now is any less than supportive, I guess they weren't really a friend and I should be happy they displayed their true colors."  She whole-heartedly agreed and reassured me that she didn't think people would do that and even said she would always be supportive.

I had my surgery in October.  She has not moved forward with her surgery.  Since my surgery our friendship has diminished.  We no longer do things together and I am excluded from gatherings she organizes unless it involves fund raising.  I was really hurt on New Year's Day when she posted an anime on Facebook that said, "I have no idea where I would be...what I would do...or how I could possibly live...without those crazy people I call my friends" then wrote, "Happy New Year to each one of you!!" and tagged 12 friends some of whom I know she rarely even speaks to.  Guess who wasn't included?  Yep...me and it hurts.

I understand that success is difficult for some people to handle and support even harder but I've seen this person support others in different efforts.  I am struggling to figure out why I'm not worthy of her support and friendship?

I have already decided to move on and forget about a friendship with her because obviously, she wasn't a real friend but it still hurts.  We have the same circle of friends so I still have to hear about all the fun stuff going on that I am now excluded from.  That continues to hurt and I wi**** didn't.    I, in no way regret my decision to have surgery and better myself, I only wish she would have really been by my side.

Has this happened to you?  How do I just move forward and let this go?

Hi Suzy - I'm really sorry this has happened.  I haven't gone through the same thing because I didn't share my WL journey with any of my friends.  And I don't want to make excuses for your friend because the picture your painting sounds awful :-( 

Sometimes people just can't predict how they're going to react when the rubber meets the road, ya' know? It sounds like she had every intent of being supportive during and after this process.  But then reality set in.  Perhaps she's jealous, perhaps she's upset because she can't get the surgery.

Or she can be like some of my family members (my daughter in particular) who just got sick and tired of me living, breathing and talking about WLS every moment of every day. I had to take a hard look at myself and realized that I had spent the better part of a year being completely self-centered and only talking about me, me, me and VSG, VSG, VSG.  Frankly, I'm lucky people didn't write me off. 

Look for the lessons in this situation and reflect on how you could (or can) handle things better in the future.  The experience won't be a total loss if you achieve some personal growth from it. 

Thanks Tracy.  Like you, I didn't tell a whole lot of people about my surgery.  My philosophy was it was my health and my business.  Although she did know I had the surgery, I never talk about it.  In fact, I've been so used to avoiding conversations about my weight my whole life that I NEVER bring the subject up.  Not even with my family who is very supportive.  When anyone says anything about how much smaller I am or makes any other kind of comment, I tend to shrug off the compliment and not make a big deal out of it.  

I am taking your advice and reflecting on how I can learn from this...haven't found that answer yet.  

I don't think it would hurt to call her up and say that you've missed seeing her/talking to her lately.  Take your cues from what she says and if she's distant you can ask in a very non-defensive, non-angry way if there is something you did to upset her.  Then get prepared to either be brushed off - or to have her let loose on you.  Either could happen! 

Tough to do, but good idea.  As you say, be prepared for whatever the response is...

This is just my suggestion. If this would happen to me then I would need closure so that I would voice my opinion, get it out and move on. I would talk to that friend (being as nice as I could be) and ask them to be totally honest with me let me know how they are feeling about our friendship. It sounds like this is how your friend is dealing with her problems/insecurities....it's not you.

I'm always there for anyone that needs me (friends, old friends, or people that just don't like me). If someone needs me I will be there and I tell them that. It's up to them if they want to be my friend or accept my offer. But I know I will have no regrets or feel bad about things I cannot control...including friendships.

I hope you get the answers you need and remember you will always have friends here on this website!!!

I think you are right...I need to get this off my chest so that I can move on.  It will be a tough conversation however; this is part of my journey...expressing feelings open and honestly so that I don't use food to shove them back down right?!

Thanks for being a good person and friend.  We need more of people like you in the world.  

I did share my WLS with everyone and, every single friend except for one has been super, super supportive.  The friend who wasn't?  Well, he used to be my best friend and I've been watching that friendship wither.  It's not all due to my WLS, there's a lot of other things going on whi*****lude him getting married to another friend, but the way he reacted to my WLS was just one more piece to the puzzle that spelled the end of our friendship.  In a way, I'm glad the WLS thing added to the end of our friendship.  If it hadn't, we might still be limping along trying to make a doomed friendship work.  

It sucks.  It sucks that, in your case, you've got mutual friends that are choosing her side.  Even though you want answers, I'd recommend not seeking them.  You're unlikely to like what she has to tell you - even if she did tell you the truth.  Move on with life, form new friendships, and accept that this friend wasn't meant to be for you.  

I'm sorry to hear of your ex-friendship.  The saying "people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  When you figure out which it is, you'll know exactly what to do" comes to mind in both of our situations.  Maybe that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn.  It sounds like you already did.

I really need to think through this to determine if I want to talk to her about this or not.  I think you are right in that I probably won't get the truth anyway and she will say what I want to hear then go right back to the way she is treating me now or worse thus me providing her with yet another chance to hurt me. 

For what it's worth, I've been fighting to resuscitate this friendship for the past two years almost and spent a LOT of therapy time on the subject.  It's only just recently that I've been able to come to peace with this being the way things are and that it's time for me to let go.  (There was a wedding during that time which probably prolonged the process more than was necessary otherwise.)  

Be kind to yourself.