Scared of 180

A few weeks ago, right before my 20th high school reunion, I made it to 180.  From the start, this has been my primary goal.  It was my weight at age 180, my lowest adult weight, the weight that I would be happy to reach and that would make me feel that WLS was successful and worthwhile.  This is also the weight that my surgeon told me I could expect to reach.  

I'm still obese at 180, I still have weight related health issues, I still really want to lose more weight.  

But my jerkbrain seems to have other ideas.  I get close to 180, and then I eat way to much food on the next day.  This takes me up a few pounds, and then the cycle repeats.  I get close to 180, eat too much, etc.  

I'm stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage and I really, really want to break out of it.  Am I scared of weighing less than I ever have as an adult?  Am I scared of what I'll look like?  Or is there a part of me that's just happy with being 180 and wants to stay here?  

It's frustrating.  I'm talking about it with my therapist.  I'm thinking about it a lot.  I'm really trying hard to unpack what's going on in my brain.  This was not something I expected I'd have to deal with and I refuse to stop here and say that I've reached goal, just because I've reached A goal.  

Sigh.  

I think we just get a little lax from time to time.  During the first 6 months we could get away with having a bad day here and there because we would lose weight anyway.  Now that we're getting closer to goal and the "honeymoon" period is over we have to be stricter and stricter on our nutrition in order to lose each additional pound.  No one is perfect all the time.  These are habits that you may have had all along but you're just noticing it now because you've got less to lose.

It might also be your mind justifying the extra calories sub consciously because you think to yourself "I've reached my goal, I can have an extra snack and I'll be fine."

It's definitely a good topic to talk to your therapist about. Either way, at least you're aware of the behavior so if you put your mind to it you can break the habit and achieve the goal you desire.  

There are definitely not habits I had in the beginning, or close to any other goal.  :/  It's very frustrating that I'm self sabotaging now, when I still have 60 pounds I'd like to lose.  I'm sure that once I get over this 180 hump, it'll be great again.  

180 is my first goal as well, and now that I am within 10 lbs of it I too have been struggling to get there. I had wanted to maybe go 5 lbs lower than that so my maintenance range was centered on 180 but now I am not so sure. I will still be overweight BMI at that weight  and I will still be overwieght at 175 so what is the difference. Am I getting too hung up over what is just a number. My other health indicators are spot on, I am continuing to reduce medications, which I don't ever expect to be reduced to nothing. But already I take more vitamins than I do meds.

I am not giving up, but my will power is starting to waver, thank  God for this surgery Its just not possible to sabatoge myself to the extent I could before (OK it probably is, but certainly not as quickly so I get more of an opportunitiy to pull back from the edge.

I need to address these subjects with my therapist, this is another good one. My nurse thinks I need to discuss why I don't see the dramatic loss in the mirror that others seem to see and why I am not excited by it. I think I am happy with the loss, she just caught me in a bad moment, but I do not see it in the mirror.

So, Gwen, thanks for the opening! Who else would like to share?

I've got a good 60 pounds to go before I reach my final goal.  Which is another thing that makes this so frustrating for me!  Argh!  

I definitely see my loss - I think I look pretty awesome in fact.  So I need to figure out why being less than 180 and venturing into the unknown is such a block for me right now. :/ 

Gwen - how did you pick a goal weight of 120 lbs.?  Just an observation on my part - but for someone who has been morbidly obese for most of her life the reality is that you'll have substantial excess skin (maybe up to 8-10 lbs).  The other reality is that your bones became heavier as you got heavier.  Although you may have a smaller frame being 5'4" you most likely will have a higher percentage of non-fat body mass than someone 5'4" who has never been heavy in her life. 

Have you ever had a body composition test conducted - either underwater or Bodpod?  If you have that service available to you I would highly suggest you get it done every 6 months or so.  It really, really helps to dial in the goal weight number you should be shooting for by focusing on body fat vs lean body mass.  The number on the scale - as you well know - can be a big fat liar 

I'm worried that 120 

It's based on ideal weight calculators.  Although my plastic surgery goal is more like 150 or 140.  I totally hear what you're saying - the 120 goal isn't set in stone, it's just a number.  I'm sort of playing things by ear from this point on just because I am entering (hopefully) this big, unknown territory!  So don't worry :D  I was planning on doing body composition testing at some point between now and my second year surgiversary.  I know I get to do a DEXA scan next March too.  :D

I don't have any answers for you but I have the exact same problem. Seriously, I think I could have written this post. Every other time that I have lost weight I haven't been able to make it past 180. That seems to be the weight where people really start to notice and make comments and all that attention makes me uncomfortable. I too have been talking about this quite a bit with my therapist and I can see progress with how I am handling the attention but I still am sabotaging as well and not getting below 180. It is incredibly frustrating. The only thing I know to do is to just keep trying. 

It's so aggravating.  :/  I know what I'm doing wrong and I can see it from the outside, but it's hard to change it from the inside!  RAR.  

Hopefully, for both of us, something will click and we'll make it beyond the 180 barrier.  

I KNOW that we will both make it beyond the 180 barrier. I have been talking about this with my therapist and thought I would share some of the possible reasons we have been coming up with. I'm not certain these are all valid as I'm still trying to work through it as well. Perhaps some of this will ring a bell with you and maybe be helpful. 

• The attention has increased and it isn't something I'm 100% comfortable
• I don't know what my end goal weight is. I believe I have somewhere between 30 - 50 (closer to 50) lbs still to lose. I don't feel like I have a clear plan right now and that is very uncomfortable. 
• I have never been at a weight in my adult life that I was happy with. I have a lot of discomfort about what the picture of me in 3- to 50 lbs looks like. I can't visualize it and I don't like that. 
• I have increased my exercise significantly in the last month and am getting pressure to eat more. I may subconsciously be using that as permission to go off plan
• I'm going through several significant life changes all at once. According to my therapist any one of those would throw most people for a loop and I have several. I tend to lean more towards logic and analysis than emotional responses. I may be using food to cope with those life changes and/or the fear and discomfort mentioned above without fully realizing it. 

So that's the "bad" or the possible reasons. But, here is what I think is also important to remember. There are still so many things that I am doing right. 

• I meet my water, vitamins and protein goals
• I am exercising and trying new things! Heck, I have my 2nd 10K in a few weeks and am planning for a half marathon by end of year. 
• I still make a meal plan every day (even if I don't always follow it) and am logging everything that goes in my mouth
• I continue to work with my therapist and work on being open with friends as well as participate in this forum

In a nut shell, while 1 thing isn't going perfect right now by no means have I failed or given up. Do I need to make changes and improve things? Absolutely. But I also need to remember that I haven't completely failed nor have I thrown in the towel. I think this is my way of following your "Be kind to yourself" rule. That is an important one!