How can I help a struggling friend?

Hi everyone, I need help figuring out if or how I can support a friend. This friend (who is also a coworker) had VSG last July. He was self-pay and made the decision to have surgery very quickly...I had been talking about having VSG myself (later switched to RNY due to my severe GERD), and he just came into work one morning saying he decided to do it himself. He initially lost about 40 lbs, but said he never felt much restriction after the first few weeks. He gained it all back plus more in less than 4 months. Now he's really depressed, which seems to have created a vicious cycle with food. He usually eats well for work lunches (like a Healthy Choice frozen meal), but he admits to being a nighttime snacker. 2 months after his surgery, he once came back into the office with a burrito and chips for lunch, and he ate it all (I have no idea how he fit it in). So the question is, what can I do to help him out? I really care about him, and his health is fairly poor, which he's well aware of. He lives alone and doesn't have much of a support system nearby. His adult kids are a state away and have become so critical of his eating when he visits them that it's causing him a lot of stress and grief, so I'm afraid of alienating him the same way. I've had some pre-surgical weight loss success, which he's commented on, so I'm afraid that may be making him feel even worse. He's made some half-hearted efforts to get back on track, like considering attending a support group, but he seems to gives up on them quickly. I did let him know about this website (and I really hope he isn't mad about me posting this if he actually checks it out!)

Is there anything I can do to help him? How can I be supportive and accepting while still letting him know I'm worried about him?

Hi.  Your friend is in a lot of pain. Only he can make the changes he needs to make to take control of his emotions and eating habits. But that doesn't mean you can't lead by example and ask him to do things with you.  Going for a walk at lunchtime?  Ask him to join you.  Found a new healthy recipe he might like? Bring him a sample along with a printout of the recipe. Going to a support group meeting?  Ask if he would like to join you and offer to drive.  

Just being a friend and friendly can be really helpful to someone who is in pain. Don't be disappointed if he says no to your offers, but keep offering your friendship.    

Thanks, I really like those ideas. He goes for a lot of lunchtime walks already, but as the weather gets better, there will be more opportunities to suggest we meet up at the park with our dogs.

Obviously he needs to get a handle on his eating. That goes without saying - eating disorder therapy might be helpful. But the other thing is - there's no way someone should be able to overeat their sleeve in four months. That's insane. And you definitely shouldn't STOP feeling restriction at 3 weeks! Most people are just really starting to feel it that early as their nerves grow back together in their stomach! I would honestly be wondering if his sleeve was correctly sized to start with. I'd suggest getting - what do they call it? Post-op report? - the report about his operation that his surgeon would have written, from the hospital where the surgery was done. Someone remind me what that's called? Then read through it and take it to a different (better) surgeon, and explain how quickly the feeling of restriction was gone. They may order an Xray to see just how big the sleeve is. It could very well be that his first operation was faulty. 

If someone had outeaten their sleeve in a year, sure, that could very well be on them. But it happened too fast for him, IMO, and I'd suspect that it possibly wasn't his fault. My two cents. 

I know, it's crazy, but his surgeon was definitely one of the best. He sleeved another one of my friends in December (she can still get barely anything in), and he'll do my RNY and my husband's sleeve in May. I talked to my NUT about it because I was afraid I'd wind up in the same boat, and she said for some reason, some people just don't feel much restriction.

I don't want to come across as mistrustful, but are you sure he actually had the surgery? I agree with other post, he has to want the help. I know from personal experience. I was also self pay, which I think made me more determined not to fail. Although the surgery gives you the tool to lose the weight, you have to make it wor****il he is ready to change his lifestyle, change will not happen.

You're right. All I can do is try to lead by example, which will hopefully be some good motivation for me too. I'm sure he did actually have surgery; I visited him in the hospital the day after. He has told me stories of eating so much at night that he made himself miserably sick, so I imagine he has to feel SOMETHING from the surgery. It just doesn't seem to be enough.