Weight loss and relationships (LONG RANT!)

You've gotten some great replies, but it seems to me that you've already made up your mind?

My advice, as someone who also has few friends and is almost 38 years old - I'm too old too let something like this destroy a friendship.  This would not be the hill I'd want to die on.  I would want to talk with my friend and treat her with kindness, even if she's in a place where t might be hard to reciprocate. I think we all go through periods where we're crummy friends and maybe this is just it for her. 

Maybe you could try to talk about the competitive thing you guys have going and work to change that. It doesn't sound super healthy for your friendship, especially now. 

But... ultimately you need to figure out if this friendship is worth the effort to you. If it is, do what you need to do to maintain it. Hopefully you're seeing a therapist and talkingn about this friendship with your therapist?  I have two friendships that have gotten complicated post-op and my therapist has really been a valuable resource in figuring out what to do. (I'm opting to still work at maintaining the friendships, because when times are good they're great. We're just all adapting to a lot of change and that change can cause growing pains for some relationships.)

Sorry for the ramble. I've spent the week so far in the hospital with my dad so I might be fooling myself into thinking this reply is useful/coherent. 

I think you've gotten some really great responses and I don't want to just reiterate what everyone else has said. I can see both sides. I agree that your friend may have not handled this situation in the best way. I hope Friday brings resolution to the issue for both of you. True friends can be hard to come by and nobody is perfect. 

Another thing I want to add is, apologizing isn't admitting fault necessarily. We get mad, sad, angry, etc because of how we interpret/perceive something. Whether it's someone's actions or something that was said. We also can't control how someone else perceives something we say or do. It's important to take responsibility for your own feelings. Nobody can "make" you feel a certain way. You apologizing to your friend isn't saying that you did something wrong. It can be apologizing that her feelings were hurt. Does that make sense? I feel like I was kind of just rambling on. You really just have to ask yourself how important is this friendship and can you forgive her. If you go into this dinner with her on Friday with your defenses down, chances are she will follow suit and you'll both be apologizing to each other and  also be able to be happy for one another.

Best of luck on Friday.

Nichole

When you both have been overweight, you find comfort in that, it's like a common bond against the world.....it's very hard when one person loses weight quicker than the other.....Whether it is envy,jealousy or you (unintentionally) talk a lot about your new lifestyle.....it definetely changes friendships.....

When you both have been overweight, you find comfort in that, it's like a common bond against the world.....it's very hard when one person loses weight quicker than the other.....Whether it is envy,jealousy or you (unintentionally) talk a lot about your new lifestyle.....it definetely changes friendships.....

The grown-up response here is to stop focusing on your friend and everything she said or did that made you feel bad.   The grown-up response is to focus on your actions.  In 12 Step programs we address this by telling people to "stop taking everyone else's inventory and focus on keeping your side of the street clean".  Because in the end, the only one in this equation that you have ANY control over is you.   

Go into the meeting Friday with an open heart and mind and LISTEN to her.  Your only agenda item should be to hear what you may need to improve about yourself.  The agenda is not to apologize, it's not to get her to see her crazy thinking or bad behavior.  It's to figure out your part in this mess - period.   Maybe you'll find out didn't really have a part in it...or maybe you will. 

Listen without becoming defensive, without feeling the need to respond, without automatically figuring out how you're going to defend yourself and without the need to point out all her failings in the situation.

Focus solely on what you can learn about YOU and any character defects you have that may need attention.  It's a lot harder to do and it won't necessarily guarantee you'll salvage the friendship.  But at least you can get some personal growth out of the situation.  

This is terrific advice. It's so funny because all day I've been thinking of things to say that defend myself when I should be focusing on what you said. Thanks!

One thing I've learned over the years is if you put expectations on people, you will always be disappointed. You expected her to praise you and when you didn't get the expected praise, you were disappointed.  She also expected praise from you and was similarly disappointed.  I've known my bestie for over 25 years and there have been many ups and downs, usually centered around expectations.  I'm glad that neither of you have shut the door on the relationship and are meeting to talk it out.  Tracy's advice was great and I hope you are able to patch things up.  :D

Jen

Could it also be that you didn't notice that she herself lost 45 pounds?  Maybe SHE was expecting a big reaction from you, too, as she opened up the door to her apartment. Maybe she wanted you to see her weight loss at the door and say, "OMG! You look fabulous! How much weight have you lost?" just as much as you did. Both of you were expecting different reactions and when it didn't happen, it's nearly ruined a friendship. And that's just sad. While both of you are changing on the outside as well as the inside, the dynamics of your friendship is also changing.

You both may need to ask yourselves what are you looking for in this relationship.... once you know the answer, you will know if this friendship will last.

Good luck!