Men / Dating post WLS

This might turn into a long ramble.  (just a warning). 

I have recently been getting out and dating a bit.  I have had 3 first dates in the last month and it is causing me to learn some stuff about me.  I'm curious if others have had similar experiences.  

Being heavier definitely caused me to have major self esteem issues.  I didn't portray confidence and this resulted in me attracting a lot less men (not to mention that I was also just less physically attractive -- in addition to being larger, I didn't take as good care in presenting myself).  I ended up marrying my first real boyfriend -- he treated me so nicely.  I wasn't used to it.  

When I was larger, I was not picky with clothes.  I bought what fit -- not what looked great.  I didn't have as many options.  I think a similar thing happened with men.  I took what worked.  It wasn't ideal, but it was good.  

I'm worried I will fall into a similar pattern.  It feels so good to have men be attracted to me and treat me well.  I don't want to be single.  I want a partner.  BUT I want the right partner.  I don't know how to find the right line of dating too much, settling, or what.  

Some questions on my mind:

• Do I go for a second date when there wasn't great chemistry, but our goals are aligned and he was nice.  The evening was fun.  (Monday night date)
• Do I stop talking to other men because the date was so much fun and we had chemistry, but I have a couple of concerns?  (Last night's date) 

I know this is a weight loss surgery board, but I feel like many of you can relate to these issues more than my friends who have always been a healthy weight.  Plus my friends are all like -- you are the bomb -- you deserve the best.  Be picky!  (maybe they are right).  But I'm sick of being single.

The same concerns that you have now over the second date, are the ones you will eventually leave over.  We usually know when there are red flags and just choose not to see them.  I would give the first guy another chance unless you are really not attracted to him at all.  If the idea of kissing him grossed you out, don't go out again.  :)  Otherwise, give him one more chance if he seems like a genuine nice guy.  It is my experience that it's often best not to "fall in love" but to walk into it.

I think you are right.  I'm having dinner with him again on Monday and am going to bring up some of things that worry me.  We will see how it goes.  I don't want to just look past things now b/c of the excitement.

Take the 2nd date...but don't take a 3rd if there is still no chemistry.

I think it is ok to continue to explore other options until you are sure that you are ready to be exclusive with someone and they are also being exclusive with you...maybe after a 3rd or 4th date? 

I also married my first boyfriend - so I am no expert here.

So, my thoughts on this is that there's no one right way to date.  Different people have their own style.  Some people one want to date one person at a time, other people consider themselves open to date as many people as they want until they have a discussion about exclusivity with a partner, etc.

I've also recently jumped right into the deep end of the dating pool again and while I think it can't hurt to give a person a second shot, I'd say that if you didn't feel any sort of physical attraction to the person on the first date, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't feel it on the second.  I actually just did this (had the second date last night) and even told the guy after the first one that I wasn't really feeling it, but was willing to give it another date just to not jump the gun.  Well the second we met up, I just knew that how I felt wasn't gonna change.  The conversation was fantastic, we joked and laughed and chatted for a few hours over drinks, but at the end of the day, I just wasn't into him romantically.  He'd have made a great friend, but he was interested in me as a date.

As for stopping to talk other men because you had some chemistry with one, I'd say no.  You've only had one date, so unless someone's breaking out the committment/exclusivity card, I think most people have an expectation that people date around until they think that things are actually going somewhere.

And yes, you definitely have a right to feel picky!  I mean, you might not wanna go overboard, since no one is perfect.  But you certainly don't have to settle for the first guy who treats you well and you can have good conversation with.  Heck, for that matter, just because things start well, that still doesn't mean that after a while of dating, you might not decide that this isn't the right person for you long-term.

The fact that you're just getting back into dating is all the more reason to date around.  Consider it like practice.  Now that you have more self confidence, go on lots of dates and you'll definitely start to get a better idea of what works for you and what you like in a guy and don't like.  Maybe things that you thought were deal breakers won't be in the right cir****tances.  Or maybe something that you didn't think would bother you will turn out to be a complete turn off/deal breaker.  The only way to find out, is to go on those dates!

Good luck, and have fun!!

I think we all want to know....what did you order last night?

He ordered the goat cheese / tomato appetizer.  When I told him I didn't really eat carbs, he ordered some veggies on the side, so I could still enjoy it. 

I had the spicy chicken salad (w/o tortilla strips) and a glass of pinot noir.  

The food was good, but the conversation was better :)

My husband always tells me that test driving cars are free. Test drive them all until you find the one. There's nothing set in stone that you need to find mr right, or mr right now in X amount of time. You are still new to the new you...know what I mean? I am sure once you find that one that you are supposed to be with, you will know it. The fireworks will be there.

If you have the time, why not going out on another date. You dont' "owe" them anything. You are not signing up for a commitment. You are just going out. Give yourself some room to explore and have fun and eventually the right one will stick.

Not sure I can be of much help as I am happily married. It actually took a blind girl to see me for me and not my body type.  She went blind at 18 due to Pseudotumor Cerebri aka Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. One piece of advice I can offer is don't necessarily discount the "friend material" guys. You never know what kind of guy you could be letting go because you didn't feel immediate chemistry. Keep in mind they say more often than not that married couples and life partners are often best friends.

But here is where I am curious if you don't mind me asking. When you lose the weight does the mentality of who can be your partner change. What I mean is for example you could have the hot quarterback over the fat band geek? For lack of better terms, does your preference for men change or stay the same?

I'm going to jump in and answer your question.  I just got engaged on Monday but I did a lot of dating until I met my fiance.  For me, a newbie, my preferences didn't change.  I still gravitated toward the same "type" of guy that I did before weight loss.  The change wasn't so much "oh, I can get the hot quarterback now!".  It was more of a self confidence that I could attract many different types of men.  I finally felt like I could actually find love and not just a guy with a fat fetish.  The biggest thing for me when it comes to love relationships and weight loss has been finding that I can now love myself in a way I never thought possible.  That has enabled me to love someone else fully.  My fiance is an amazing man.  He treats me like no other man has ever treated me.  And now I know that I deserve that kind of love and respect in a relationship.  Oh, and he doesn't fit into what I thought were my preferences but I think he's a hottie