Perception -- skinny b*tch

So I admit to being jealous of skinny people -- especially when I was bigger (like my entire life except the past few months).  

Now, I am very much wondering if people see me as just some skinny person that has it easy.  Like I have some magic metabolism that makes me skinny -- this is what I really thought about all skinny people.  

I think many / most skinny people just have a better mind set in terms of reigning things in after they overindulge rather than just continuing the pattern.

This is very much a random thoughts post.  

I am becoming more comfortable with where I am physically -- I still see the flaws, but overall, I am happy.  I spoke to my best friend yesterday (who weights like 12 lbs - well maybe 110), and we were talking about insecurities.  She has been so supportive of me.  I mentioned that I still see the flaws, but really think that all woman see the flaws with their bodies.  She admitted to me, that while she knew it was crazy, she often thought her stomach sticks out.  So at a size 10 or a size 0, or whatever! the flaws come out to us -- even when others don't see them.

end ramble :)

I've felt some of the "skinny *****" stuff coming my way the last couple months - WEIRD!   One time was at the gym when I was looking in the mirror and I made some derogatory remark on how my stomach sticks out.  I got significant eye-rolls on that one!  These people have never seen me fat.  

Then I had someone at work make a slightly-snarky comment as I was perusing the birthday goodies out on the counter that if I ate too many of them I'd look like her (she's overweight).  

When I've come out and told some of these people that 18 months ago I weighed 100 lbs. more their eyes get really big and they say, "Really?!"  They just can't believe it.  

L

Exactly!  

I just started a new job and no one here knows I was bigger.  On the one hand it is nice on the other I kind of want people to know that I have to work at it. 

The danger for me at this new place of employment is that I can "pass" as skinny -- one of those people that CAN eat anything they want and not suffer the consequences.   So the first few months was kind of an ego boost and I played around a LOT with eating stuff that should never pass my lips (hello, sugar!).  It was kind of nice to walk around eating things that every other woman stayed away from because they were dieting, trying to lose weight or just couldn't "afford the calories".  For the first time in my life I sort of felt normal and like a true skinny ***** - lol!  

I'm still in that honeymoon period where I can play around and get away with it for a day or two.  But the day is fast coming when that will NOT be the case.  So I've started talking more and more about how I "just can't do sugar" because once I start I can't stop.  Eventually I may "come out" about having the surgery.  I think it will make me more accountable in the long run.  

Yes exactly!  

The other day there were donuts in the office and I felt no shame in having one.  If I was at my old job where people know I had just dropped so much weight, I would FOR SURE have thought twice about having that donut.  

Know the feeling on that one, being I'm still preop. I got a guy at my work, maybe weighs 150 soaking wet can down a whole bucket of KFC without even thinking about it or gaining anything. Here I am can only eat 3pcs and a little of the sides and it goes straight to my belly and tail. I could even have sworn I'd gain 10lbs by watching others eat like that.

Well I was called a skinny bytch a few months ago and just said to myself....

yeah right... Do you see this jelly roll chick! Get a life... I am not skinny. 

I'm going to be raw and real here.

While I haven't gotten the "skinny *****" epithet thrown at me, I can't help but think it a lot more lately as I see folks who are at my current weight just starting out in the WLS process.

I have to remind myself constantly that at my heaviest, I weighed over twice what I do now.  The fact that I have lost half of my heaviest weight (most of it through WLS) is pretty amazing.  But it doesn't keep me from being frustrated that folks who weigh what I weigh now are having WLS to lose far less than I have to lose.  When it is all said and done, I will have lost what they currently weigh just to get to my goal weight. 

I am nowhere near MY goal weight--I am just a couple of pounds below my doctor's goal weight, and continuing to lose.  And even at MY goal weight, I will still be classed as overweight.  But I am okay with that.  I will never be that "skinny *****" physically OR mentally.  I don't know that I will ever know how to think like someone who is naturally thin--do any of us really know how to do that?  I don't think so, or we would not have resorted to having WLS to lose weight in the first place.