Self hate to self love - follow up

I love you Alison.  First things first please ... come visit me this weekend.  I am FREE!!! 

Of course I hear the voice too.  I struggle on a daily basis that I feel like I am not worthy of anything good.  Being in a previous marriage that my couselor described as "toxic" didn't help.  I grew up overweight all my life until I developed some severe eating disorders in my late teens.  I was paranoid when boys would look at me.  I still struggle with attention from just about anyone because I feel yucky.  I know for the most part I am a decent looking person but I've grown up with the worst self image because I felt like I wasn't worthy of a lot of things ...

#1 & it's a biggie ... HAPPINESS 

I felt like I did not deserve true happines.  This is not to say my ex-husband was aweful, but we weren't right for each other.  I married the first person I had a real relationship with.  No one ever did anything for me before I was married, so I wasn't expecting anything when I got married.  Now that I am with someone who has the same values as me, it's been easier for me to let go of my struggles of feeling like I don't deserve to be happy all the way around.  It's amazing how special I can feel when John brings me home an iced coffee from Starbucks.  Little things like that take me over the edge of feeling so loved and appreciated.  It's almost sad for me to think I didn't deserve sweet kind gestures like that.

I am not much of a people watcher or someone *****ally pays attention.  I think it scares me too much to notice if someone was looking at me in disguist when I was really fat.  I'd cringe and look the other way.  I definitely heard fat talk and jokes, especially when I attended a private school when I was young and it soooo messes with you.  You believe it.  You feel like you are this worthless piece of crap that doesn't deserve anything ... friends, kind gestures, appreciation, & even love. 

I focus too much on other people's happiness over my own and I believe that is part of what sets me back with myself.  I believe all this stems from my low self image, mainly because of my weight.  This is why I struggle so hard with it.  I feel like my weight affects everything in my life.  I feel like people are always looking at me, judging me.  I shouldn't give a rat's ass.  I will admit, as I've gotten older, since college, I have heard to say F this sh** more often.  If people don't like me, screw them.  It's the people in my everyday life that affect me. This is why it's very important to surround ourselves with the right type of people. 

I love you Alison.  It makes me happy to see you here and being so positive.  :)  

I was planning on it but then I found out I have to have surgery on Friday. Can you come see me? I dont know if you have ever met my mom but she will be here driving me crazy. I got lots of velvet arts and markers for us!!

I wish so much I could just hug some happiness into. Maybe we can try :)

I can visit this weekend.  Tell me when and where my friend!! 

Great post Alison- a little heartwrenching, but a great post.

My achilles heal is always self-doubt and being afraid to go after what I really want.  I have the ability to convince myself that I am not smart enough, persistant enough, lack the understanding needed to embark on the journey, etc.  Learning confidence is a tremendoulsy difficult undertaking for me.  

There's really no way to learn confidence -you go, you do, you succeed, and then you start to feel more confident - even if you try and dont make it the first time, there's always a little boost from just having tried something you are afraid of - that's what I tell myself. 

I hope you get to your happy place with that and get all the confidence you need :)

Good stuff, Allison!  I'm so happy to see you back on these boards - I missed your voice :-)   I think my entire mission in life is to finally learn how to love myself; it's an ongoing process with lots of backsliding, in my case.  

Thank you for this thoughtful and provoking post - and welcome back! 

Seriously this stuff could be a life's mission! Thanks for your kind words and support

I love reading your posts and the thoughtful and heartfelt responses.  Your real voice is truly beautiful and I hope to keep hearing it for a long time. 

Thank you :)