Self hate to self love - follow up

This is a topic I deal with every day, and its been touching for so many of you to reach out to me and ask for more. So im going to share. Some of its jumbled bc its my own writings and reflections but you'll get the general idea.

Im hoping everyone who struggles with this will participate - its helpful to others to realize they aren't alone and to see other's try and deal/cope with same issues.

Self hatred comes from unresolved and out of control anger that we direct at ourselfs. The internal voice or thoughts of anger and rage can be crippling, viscious and relentless - think of all the things you tell yourself but wouldnt tell someone else?

The approach ive been using are different forms of meditation, but by doing that, its allowed me to be more open to anger with love and wisdom. It was hard for me to even think about that concept because I grew up with a rageful (which is different than angry) father and I always ran from any signs of anger - even if they were healthy forms. I had to realize anger is a valid emotion and I can treat it like any other emotion without letting myself cross the road from healthy anger and over to the rage side. 

There are many different sources where this deep internal anger/self hatred comes from - for us as WLS patients, a lot of it comes from measuring ourselves - aganst others or against this hypothetical yard stick containing impossibly imhuman ideals - we have to be perfect, we always have to be kind and never angry, and never ungenerous. When I was reading this material, I stopped and jotted down a few ideas of how I do this to myself and I was shocked - it just came flowing out, and there was so much of it. 

There's a quote from the book I was reading that's called "aspects of meditation" - "It is our birthright that we be fully open, bright and completely free of all the inner violence and conflict that has kept our flower bud tightly closed and contracted for so long". 

Recognition is the first crucial step in being open and healing. It requires immense slef care, tenderness and skill.This concept is (or was, at least for me) such a dofficult and foreign concept to nuture myself and treat myself with compassion. 

A concept that I felt was helpful was labeling these sets of negative thoughts - the author of the book labeled heres "The Voice" - it allowed her a detatched, objective, and interpersonal awareness to be present. I used that lable just because it was there and easy for me and I could more easily identify the thoughts (that are false, wrong, misleading, and cruel) and the SOURCE of the thoughts. We usually arent born with this self hatred - it is something we pick up along the way.

SOOOOO - i would like to invite everyone who is interested in this topic to share what their "VOICE" tells them, how it affects your mood/day to day life, and where it came from if you can figure it out (sometimes it takes a while to sit with it and figure it out)

I had this nasty voice in my head telling me all sorts of things - I was fat, Id always be fat, and because I was fat, I was useless as a human being and I deserved to die. It told me I was crazy, worthless, not good at anything, stupid, etc.  I realized that I started recalling some things that bullies used to tell me - "want some coffee with your jelly rolls" and thunder thighs - and then I realized that is where a lot of my negative thoughts come from. I heard horrible things said to me on a DAILY basis for years - both at school and at home, and eventually I convinced myself those things must be true. Going back, challenging these thoughts and replacing them with positive affirmations has been very hard, but very satisfying and rewarding in the difference it has made in my life. 

If you like art, I have a good idea for a poster. I drew a picture of a literal tape - sometimes these negative thoughts are referred to as a "tape" that plays inside your head. I made one side for the current negative tape, adn then flipped it over when I was done and made a positive one - what I would like my new "tape" to play. I look at it every day (the positive side) to help keep me grounded and aware of whats going on inside my head. Meditiation has been helpful for this, and I have a couple books full of postive sayings, and what not. Im still trying to find some good audio books or meditation type music, so hopefully soon I'll be able to make it a routine. 

Ill keep posting more thoughts on self hatred and self love as I work through some of my material or my own thoughts. Im hoping soon to set up my scanner so I can email some of you the packets, but it will depend on my patience for technology today. 

Definitely can relate to this post! no matter how far I have come, what goals I meet, what deeds I do, I hear the voice, and alot of times it is negative. Those many years of negative self talk, alot of it I feel related to feeling worthless because of my obesity, it doesnt just stop. People were mean, and I remember almost every mean thing someone said. it is struggle to convince myself I am worth it, that flaws, loose skin, stretch marks, dont make me unworthy still and i shouldnt have felt unworthy before, either.

I was out the other night and some idiot said something negative to me, I took it so personal and it made me question myself...

Oh, the struggle :( 

Its definitely a struggle, but im starting to figure it sure has to be easier than carrying around all the extra weight!  Its a life long one - but all Im praying for is more good days than bad until good is the norm. 

I hope you learn to love and fully accept yourself - you are pretty amazing!

The strongest and most enduring message (lie) that has been with me since, well, forever, is that my entire existence and worth must be measured through the filter of my fat body.  In other words, It mattered not how smart-talented, athletic, friendly, hard working, artistic WHATEVER--non of that counted, because  the fat covered it.  I know where this came from, and the message sometimes was very blatant.   There was also a serious case of gender disassociation, and I felt like a neuter-person for many years. (Still struggle with that one-poor hubby- sometimes when the voice would be so loud that I was incapable of receiving any form of physical affection...) That voice came from the same source.  I'm working very hard at getting out of my head and more into my body; my life's work and achievements did and do matter at whatever weight I am/was. 

Youve already done a lot of work I can see - Im sending you lots of loving and nurturing your way. 

I suffered for over 20 years with debilitating depression and suicide thoughts.  Two years ago my life was in a really good place but I still couldn't get rid of the thoughts.  I got mad and found a Behavioural Cognitive Therapist and told her I'm done being depressed condition it out of me! lol She said okay and taught me to listen to my inner voice.  Holy Carp! I had no clue the things I was thinking over and over on a daily basis that kept me in that pit of dispare. It took me a week to learn to hear the voice and several months to change the voice.  I'm diligent because it pops back up when I'm not paying attention, I get tired or stressed but I finally realize that I have control over how I feel and how I react to those feelings.  I can now accurately label those feelings instead of everything getting lumped into "depressed". My mom suffered with the same problem and I heard her "voice" come out a lot growing up.  Just simple things that probably just slipped out and she didn't even realize she was conditioning me to think in a defeating manner. My only regret is that I didn't find this sooner and she is gone.  I wonder how much more she would have enjoyed life if she could have rid herself of the voice in her head.

Some of my thoughts that kept me depressed?

"I can't do this."

"It's too much for me."

"There's something wrong, everyone else can go to work every day and be happy but I hate it here.  Why bother?"

"Nothing ever works out for me."

"They'll hate me here as much as the last place."

"Nobody accepts me or sees my good side."

The list goes on and on. The funny thing is that everyone always told me how confident I was.  How talented, how kind...so many good messages but their voices cannot beat the ones in your head.  You have to do that yourself.

For myself, I spent a lot of time with God during that period asking for his help and strength.  I say this not to tell anybody what they need but to say without God in my life I don't think I would have succeeded in getting rid of my demons. I can't take the credit :)

Thank you for this post.  I think it's a great way to help people who are suffering with the same problems.

I know a lot of people suffer with the same issues because most humans do, so Im glad its helpful and doesnt seem over the top. I admire your strength and resolve to get out from under the depression. Im finally getting to a place where im happy and its so foreign!

Oh yes, the Voice.  That soundtrack of the mind that sometimes won't shut up!  My big "aha" moment came after reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth", where he talks about that voice, recognizing it, and gently pushing it away.  The thoughts in our head are not real.  I used to spend hours and hours having imaginary conversations in my head with people I was in conflict with.  The Voice became more real than reality itself!  

I still do it, but I'm becoming more aware of it, and try to replace it with conversations of gratitude.  "Thank you for this day" is my mantra to dispel the Voice.  

Lately I'm struggling with disappointing myself.  I worked so hard last summer towards fitness, and swore that I wouldn't slack over the winter, even though I always do.  And I did it again.  So now I'm back in Minnesota again for the summer and today I got out and walked 3.2 miles, even though it's cold and windy.  The sunshine felt good on my face, and my body is thanking me for moving it again.  

Thanks for your post as always.  Your insights are always spot on!

Forgive yourself :)

Im in the same place - lost all my fitness, want to sit and cry about it but that wont do any good. I get one more final stretch of good excuses and then my ass is back into training mode. 

I forgave myself at mile marker 3 this morning.  And at least you have a good excuse!  

Good luck on your back surgery - you'll be back in fighting mode soon!