I thought I'd stop hiding and say hi. I know a lot of you have been sending me messages and asking about me -  I appreciate it.

I'm hoping that since it's the end of the year, maybe the universe's curse on me will go away soon. I dont know why, but this has certainly been one of the worst years of my life. And a couple years ago, I thought being smaller would help make everything better - ioooops. PSA - it doesnt!

Most days now - Im just trying to survive. Unfortunately, Ive been gaining weight and it's not pretty. For the most part I try not to think about it right now (ive been in and out of the psych hospital for most of the last month sooo...my weight wasnt much of a priority) but I had to go back to work today, and the muffin top, the back fat, the side boobs...aye aye aye.

I dont know if/when I'll ever figure out what the deal is with my back, but I got an epidural Friday and cortisone shots in my hips ( i might be the first person that gets hip bursitis from sitting in a recliner for a couple months). I can walk now and since Im not in excrutiating pain - i woke up this morning and decided that maybe I needed to take back a little bit of control over my life and weight...

I dont really know where to start though. My eating has just been attrocious and I havent cooked in way too long. I bought a juicer a couple weeks so I got up and made me some carrot, spinach and pineapple juice for breakfast, but...I need a plan, and I feel helpless in trying to figure it out. I know that the regular advice of "going back to basics" isnt too much of a solution for me because I dont have that kind of discipline right now, but Im sure there has to be something...I'll take suggestions for a complicated mess!

I finally changed my insurance plan to a PPO starting in January so I am a little more hopeful about my back situation and the fact that I'll have access to real treatment for my eating disorders and other emotional issues.

I still have my blog but because of the issues of the last month and what not, I had to make it a little more private. It requires a wordpress account I think to request access. If you dont want to create one just to view mine, send me a PM and I'll give you a username and password you can use to view it. I know a lot of people keep track of me, and I felt bad for making it private but....thats life.

 

Love you all and thanks for helping keep me sane lately!

Sending hugs your way!  Hoping the new insurance brings you some options that help!  Take care!

Hey Alison,

Glad you're getting a respite today from the pain! My advice on the food front: keep it simple! Whenever I need  a reboot, this is what I do: Allow myself as much protein and vegetables as I want to feel satisfied. That's all I do. If I want crap, I eat meat. Couple this method with pounding down water. It's a good detox, IMO. A day of this and I'm usually good to go.

I know, that may seem over simplified, but it truly does work for me.

I am so sorry you are going through and I understand that "just trying to survive" has to be the priority now.  When you are ready, decide on a simple food plan, few options, basic and clean and stick with it.  I know that it is much easier to say this than to do this.  When you can, you will, until than, just know you are loved, respected and supported at any weight, no matter what.  Hugs to you and I wish I knew how to make it all just better.  Take care and thank you for continuing to share your journey even when it's not too pretty.  Change happens, this is not forever, just for now.  As the saying goes, "This too will change". 

Sorry you are going through so much all at once.  I hope each day gets better and that you can find blessings each day that are new.  Easier said than done at times, but it does help to count even the mundane things, such as being able to feed yourself, walk, move your arms, speak, hear, see, etc...

Quote from Anne of Green Gables:  Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it.

I found this blog inspiring.  Knowing that the little things add up.

http://gokaleo.com/2013/09/30/habit-the-real-key/

 

I think you do know where to start. You as much as said it in your post. Don't try to change everything at once. Yes it will make things start to happen faster but it might not be sustainable long term. Make small sustainable changes that you can build upon. Start cooking at home for starters or at least eating foods you know are good for you. Then go from there. You have done this once before, you should be coaching and mentoring, not looking for answers. You have the answers you just don't want to do what you know is right.

I have never had back problems, but I have heard these two books recommended a bunch of times before. This guy is pretty good and I do not think his book is all about just a physical resolution. That some back pain may be due to other reasons.

Healing Back Pain: The Mind-Body Connection

John E. Sarno

http://amzn.com/B000FA5SGG

 

The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain 

http://amzn.com/B000FA5SJS

 

I hope you can get a handle on this soon. You were one of the first people I started reading on here and it makes me sad to see you struggling now.

"You have the answers you just dont to do what you know is right"

Seriously, I am about 3 seconds from my block button.

 

You clearly have never had back problems, nor emotional/psych issues....There's no easy answer for me right now when Im dealing with so many issues - medical issues, psychiatric issues, pain management, eating disorders...I have to find something that kind of accomodates all my issues and doesnt send me spiraling out of control like every dieting attempt ive made in the last few months. Yeah - some of it is simply just a lack of motivation, but not entirely.

My life has more or less been wrecked in the last year - its not like i get to just sit down and pick up where I left off....

I didn't mean to set you off. I only responded because I care even though I have never met you. And I certainly was not suggesting the solution is or would be easy. But why does it have to be complicated? It seems like if you break your problem into manageable parts (like weight loss separate from the back pain) and you attack them separately you might find some relief and see progress.

You are right I have never had back pain, I said that. I can't even imagine how horrible it must be to have to life with that. Those books I recommended are for people with emotional/psychological challenges as well as back pain. 

I also do not know all that has happened to you, just the bits and pieces I read and based on the few posts we've had back and forth.

I understand lack of motivation better than a lot of people and you are right its only a small part of the problem.

 

Keith, I know you have a good caring heart and appreciate ALL the stuff you are doing, truly. But if someone says this is too overwhelming and "back to basics won't for me, please help" the answer is not "you know what to do, now do it".

I know that was probably not your whole message but sometimes it's just, I dunno. I deal w psych issues too and they can annihilate you. Even if you don't have experience with that **** (and I truly am thankful if you don't), the sentence abt being in the psych hospital . . . That's serious **** That's survival man, and getting back to basics? Try just getting back to breathing without paralyzing thoughts and fears.

This turned into a book. Just asking that you really read so that your feedback is sensitive to the person asking for it.

PSA over. Peace. 🌈

Thanks. You said what I wanted to but couldnt. Im grateful for your support :)  Ive blocked him so I wont see anymore of his responses, but I dont care at this point.