Making a decision to love my body (copied from my blog post)

How many years have you spent hating your body? I struggle to remember a time when I wasn't embarrassed by it or when I wasn't loathing, disliking and picking it apart from my face down to my toes. By the time I was in 1st or 2nd grade I was getting "chubby"; I outgrew that by 5th or 6th grade but my natural shape/build has always been a lot more sturdy and muscular than other girls. I considered that "fat" or "overweight" and, frankly, my family seemed to reinforce that idea.

I look back now at pictures of when I was in my teens and early 20's and I'm envious of how healthy and fit I looked (and how flat my stomach was even after two babies!). That dissolved pretty quickly by my mid-20's when my eating disorder and life got the better of me. From that point on I can't remember a time when I wasn't overweight or obese...until now. So fast forward 25+ years to now...

What no one prepares you for when you lose lots of weight is that the body bashing/hatred doesn't stop. It's become such a habit now, a tape that runs constantly in my head. With the loss of 81 lbs., I just have different things to focus on. It's not the size of my thighs or my stomach or the number on the scale. It's the saggy skin on my neck...or the batwings...or the flat-as-pancake boobs....or the (fill in the blank). Every day it seems like there's a new flaw to pick apart. And, unfortunately, I pick...and it drives my family crazy. My daughter said the other day, "you're never going to be satisfied are you? You'll always find something you don't like."

What she said made me stop and think. I'm constantly attacking and dishonoring a body that - despite my best efforts at destroying it - has faithfully carried me through life. It produced my two beautiful children. All my major organs are intact, all my senses are in working order, I've dodged some major health bullets and it's responding fantastically to WLS and exercise. My body should be exalted and worshipped for the fantastic job it has done, especially for surviving the years of misuse and abuse I heaped upon it!

This morning I made a conscious decision to "talk" to my body and thank it for everything it has done for me. Touching my skin, feeling my muscles, I thanked it for hanging in there with me when it would have been easier to just give up and get sick or die. I told it I appreciate it how strong it is, how gracefully it moves through time and space, how the muscles are getting strong, and for the good health that enables me to enjoy my family, friends and job. And to the extra fat that is still hanging around, still trying to protect me after all these years, I gently told it: "I bless you with love, and now I release you and let you go."

Changing my mindset is going to take lots of practice - I'm certain it will be worth it. I don't want to spend the next 20 years fixated on my flaws only to look back and think, "Wow, I really looked good back then!" I don't want to waste another minute hating myself or the fantastic body that I was blessed with.

This morning I made a conscious decision to "talk" to my body and thank it for everything it has done for me. Touching my skin, feeling my muscles, I thanked it for hanging in there with me when it would have been easier to just give up and get sick or die. I told it I appreciate it how strong it is, how gracefully it moves through time and space, how the muscles are getting strong, and for the good health that enables me to enjoy my family, friends and job. And to the extra fat that is still hanging around, still trying to protect me after all these years, I gently told it: "I bless you with love, and now I release you and let you go."

Beautiful Tracy. I knew I liked you so much before but now I really have a newfound respect for you. You are awesome, awesome, awesome.

And you, my dear, are unfailingly kind and a major source of inspiration for me! 

Hi Tracy, I'm find myself doing the same thing to myself everyday. I look at my saggy skin and have to remember where I came from at 266 lbs. and have to tell myself that I am now healthier and love myself. My husband reminds me when I start complaining about my sagging stomach or arms that I look great. Maybe one day I will learn to appreciate my body without having to be reassured all the time. One day at a time! I totally relate to your post and am right there with you!

You've come so far and are soooooooo close to goal!   YEAH YOU! 

Good for you!  I engage in negative self talk a lot, but I am trying so hard to stop.  I do not want to pass that on to my daughter who is the most beautiful and perfect thing in the universe, and I do not want her to ever look at herself with hatred and disgust as I have looked at myself.  Exercise is the best remedy for my bad days, when I feel terrible about myself, when I still feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit, really pushing myself makes me so thankful for my body - that it is strong, that it is capable, that it continues to improve and support me.  Our bodies are wonderful, awe-inspiring, and we should love them and all our perceived flaws because they make us who we are - just like we love our significant others, our children, our families, our friends for who they are.  We deserve to love ourselves and our bodies that way too.

You're so right, Deena!   Our bodies are AMAZING and we need to be practicing gratitude for all the wonderful things they do.  I practice gratitude in so many other areas of my life but this one has escaped me.  Exercise helps me as well; it helps me to get more in touch with my body, I like how I can pu**** and how it responds. 

It's hard for me to believe that someone as absolutely gorgeous as you has body images...but it just goes to show that old programming is hard to break. 

Aww thank you, I appreciate that.  I never really feel beautiful or gorgeous, but I tend to feel strong and tough now which is better anyways :)

Tracy, this is a fantastic post.  I have struggled with my weight since about the 3rd grade.  I felt so insecure & self conscience.  It never really stopped.  I lost 70 pounds when I was 20 years old and since I was still young, my body bounced back as if I was never overweight.  I could rock a bikini back then but never really appreciated it because even then, I was so critical of my body.  Even at my lowest weight after my VSG, I was never happy.  Now I look back since I am heavier & would love to get back there, even though I still wanted to lose an additional 12 pounds more.  I remember looking pretty good for "me".  I've been doing my best to make peace with my body now, even with the extra weight.  I always kid the one good thing about the regain is I am just fuller & rounder in a good way, lol.  Shoot, I ain't getting any younger ... I need to embrace myself too.  It also produced 2 beautiful children who I adore more than life itself.  We are blessed!!!    

Thank you, Jenn - that's one of my fears now that I'll get to a low weight post-WLS and STILL be unhappy and miserable.  I so don't want that!  I've spent all my adult life unhappy with my weight and body and I just want to find a balance where I'm at peace. 

I have a good friend who lost her leg in a car accident several years ago.  She's transitioned from a wheel chair to a prosthetic but it's been a long road to get there.  She's a larger woman and her acceptance and love of her body and all it's scars is amazing!  She doesn't let anything get in the way of what she wants to do.  Whenever I get too down on myself I try to remember her and tell myself to appreciate what I have:  two good strong legs that are built like oak trees.   Oak trees with stretch marks but oak trees, nonetheless - ha!