Moving on, and moving forward

I know I rarely post anymore, so i thought I'd pop in for a bit since I'm resting this afternoon. 

 

Ive spent a little bit of time thinking about my journey up to this point - it started about three years ago, with my 2 yr surgery date coming up soon. Most days, I feel like a complete failure. Yes, I lost a bunch of weight. I accomplished a lot of fitness goals. But, I never reached my goal, and now have dealt with gaining a few lbs. For some reason, I couldn't care less about wht ive accomplished - i've been so super focused on what I did not accomplish. 

But, in an effort to try and re-frame all of this - ive been trying to find the positive in all this so that maybe I can push forward. Even though I struggle with my weight because of my compulsive/binge eating tendencies....I've remained active, remained in kind of dcent shape (though im in worse shape now than i have been in the last couple years). I went through all my medical records and realized that I am exactly the same weight today that I was a year ago when I went in for my one year appointment. At first, I couldn't do anything but dwell on the fact that I feel like I wasted my surgery, wasted a good opportunity. But Ive decided I am going to stop, and just celebrate the damn fact that for the first time in my life, ive actually managed to - in some sense - maintain my weight. It's gone up and down, but focusing on the big picture, i'll call it maintaining. 

I finally feel like I'm coming out a deep depression that has consumed me for the last 3-4 months, and im finally feeling like i might be able to move forward. Im never going to be super focused on reaching my goal because it just screws with my head, but I do want to head in that direction, and I do want to to keep losing a little bit of weight. 

there is no deadline for me, there is no finish line - there's only a journey....ive taken quite a different path, and i really need to work on letting go of the regret of not picking a different path for me.  i dont care if it takes me 3 years, 5 years or 10 years to reach my goals, but i will do it. 

 

Right now - im trying to embrace a thought that i have as a screen saver on my phone/computer - " the pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret" - and I know first hand that this is very true. It's certainly easier to resist a cookie than it is to deal with the regret of eating 10 of them and seeing the scale go up. 

 

So many of you have been by my side and given me so much support an inspiration, and i am eternally grateful. I have some difficult things to get through right now, but i am moving forward. There's nothing in the past that's worth going back to at this point. 

I wish you could see what I see and others see...a beautiful, successful, smart woman!  You've had some bumps in the road and some downright huge potholes, but you can do this!!!  Hugs!

I agree 1000% with you!!

I love you both :)  I am going start patching up the pot holes - I think I spent too much time looking for a way around them, but Im realizing I can't do that. Im hoping that the latest BS will lead to finding an actual therapist to help me. 

Alison, my friend, this post has brought tears to my eyes. You have inspired so many because you keep it real. This journey is more difficult for some than others, and when tough times and struggles come, it is good to know that this path is not all rainbows and unicorns (for you Slimpickens, that Lance photo comes to mind).

I think back to that meet-up last March when we met you IRL for the first time. I knew right away that you didn't fluff things for your online identity. I have great respect for you because you don't sugar coat things. Although sometimes we want to hear, or eat sugar coated things, you understand that is not what those who come here to this forum need.

Thank you for keeping it honest and not sugar coating the path we have chosen to take.

I cant believe it's been that long! You're going to make me cry now!

I know you tend to look at the fact that you haven't achieved your "goal weight" but I'm constantly amazed and awed at what you HAVE done. You have lost and KEPT OFF over half of your highest weight. Read that again - that is staggering amazing.

I think we all have our "all or nothing" moments when all we can see is what we HAVEN'T done. (I know I do, and I bet I'm not alone) Sometimes I think the prevailing forum attitude is that if you don't get to 100% EWL you're a quitter/loser/less than worthy person, and I really think that's a shame. Yes, losing it all is great, but it isn't the only thing that is great.

I've watched you go from super morbidly obese to running, biking, DOING in these past few years. You look normal. Not skinny/Barbie/runway-ready, but a normal, healthy, fit person who is living an active life. I'm amazed and awed by what you've done - and you've done it with humour, and without making anyone else feel like they're somehow "less" than you. I hope that I can do as well.

Kelly-Anne

I definitely have to start focusing on what I have done vs what I havent. Thankfully i met a therapist the other day who helped me get started with that. I think he did more for me in an hour than my previous therapst did in months. 

Thank you for your kind words :)

I've been following your posts for well over a year (I've done a lot of lurking) YOU are a Rockstar! I agree with the previous post, you have done a fantastic job! IMHO you did a lot right.. With 200+ weight loss & your accomplishments with running I think your being hard on yourself.  For some of us this fight is life long so keep your head up & keep fighting the good fight! 

I am definitely way too hard on myself - I am my own worst enemy on most days, but at least I can recognize that I can work on it. Thanks :)