How to talk to my mom about sleeve

Hi sleevers,

Well, I am scheduled to have my surgery on April 17. I've told everyone; my friends, coworkers, students, kids, siblings.. everyone but my mom.

It's hard.

Wow!  I've got no advice for you because I have only told my hubby and 1 friend.  My parents have both passed and my siblings who I am pretty close with just wont get it.  My oldest sisters husband had Bypass done a couple yrs ago and she is so jelous/upset or in competition with him I don't even want to go there.  I figure they will prbly figure it out or maybe I'll tell them later or not but I did it!  I had it on the 1st and now I'm home and no one knows.  I take the chicken way out. 

Sorry about your mom.  I have known I was heavy but never hated myself in that way. That must be very hard for her... and you.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this tough issue. This is such a life changing event  and you need all the support you can get.  I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I can offer is lots of prayers. Remember that you are doing what is best for you and your health. I wish you the best of luck.  

I can completely relate to you. Our mothers sound very much alike.  I hope to schedule my surgery in may.  I have only told my husband, sister and boss.  I am choosing not to tell anyone else, especially my mom because she has made comments in the past that have sabatoged my weight loss attempts.  Do you have to tell your mom?  I guess one of the other people you have told might tell her if you don't.  Good luck

I'm thinking it may be better if you don't tell your mom for now. It sounds like she won't be supportive and may instead hinder your success. At the same time, it seems like the step you're taking could trigger pain and depression for her.

What if you just kept this to yourself and trusted friends for now, and maybe tell her some day in the future, when she notices how much weight you've lost. That could also help her see you as a grown woman who knows how to take care of herself and her body.

Best of luck to you! You deserve to have a fair shot at this without anyone else's issues getting in your way.

I have no idea how to handle your situation since you choose to be around your mom. My mom is a nut case. My sister and I both choose to handle her by cutting her out of our life. It's easier that way. Some may consider that running away from the problem, but the old cliche is true. "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me."

While I don't get my own self worth from her opinion, just having her negativity around was counterproductive. Why do I have to fight an uphill battle every time she is around? Too much drama.

You are doing the sleeve for you. Tell her. If she even opens her mouth with a negative comment tell her that if she chooses to be negative, you will have to cut her off until she decides to play nice. She's your mom, not your master. Be the adult in the relationship.

The above advice was free so it's worth exactly zero. Good luck. Families are never easy.

Don't tell her.  Unless she has a direct need to know, I would leave her out of it, maybe forever.  She sounds way to wrapped up in weight issues.  You don't want to complicated your WLS experience in any way you can avoid.

Just be successful and tell her only when and how you feel comfortable doing so.  Personally, I think this is a personal endeavor and I shared with very few people.  I told them right up front that I wasn't going to put up with any negative comments or concerns, even if well meant.

You don't have to feel guilt or anguish over anything you are doing to improve your life.  Your mom sounds toxic in this regard and you don't need any of that in your life.  Being overweight and having weight loss surgery is difficult enough without unnecessarily complicating it.

Good luck, you will get plenty of support here.

I agree with Mary above me......I definitely would not tell her before....perhaps afterwards when you are gaining confidence, but keep it to yourself as long as you like.  It's a shame, that at her age she hasn't come to terms with weight.  I'm sorry it's so messed up for you.  Since you are already in therapy, go with what he says.  Personally, I think when she starts in, I would just stand there and scream at the top of my lungs "enough already!!!".  I can tell you love her very much, how about writing her a letter about how you feel?  You don't have to give it to her, but maybe you might.

hugs to you Annie...I wish you the best

Sophie

So sorry for your pain.  Parents can be a blessing, but at times it's almost like you need to take over the parenting and be the bigger person.  A friend was in counseling for a while and one thing she told me she learned has stuck with me for a long time.  She said her therapist told her to ask herself this question... 

 "Is there anything I can do to change this situation?  If you think it thru completely and find that there isn't anything...you HAVE to let it go"

 I have used this a lot.  I physically ask myself the question and take a few minutes to think about my answer.  I also ask myself what benefit there is in worrying about not being able to change things.  It has helped me so very much when I react  emotionally and then catch myself and then remind myself to be logical.  Seems like you are familiar with your mom's habits and haven't been able to do anything to help her or change her.  Maybe it's time to ask this question now.  You are a strong person and have made an informed decision about what is best for YOU.  It will take discipline and a lot of hard work, but you can do it and you don't need fear of others reactions or opinions to hinder you.  You aren't going to help yourself by worrying about her and you aren't going to help her either.  She is the only on who can do that.  Tell her and then tune her out.  Like you said, you used to leave the room if you were uncomfortable...do that now, but let the choice be hers as to how she reacts.  If you don't tell her, there will always be the fear that someone will slip and tell her and you will be waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Get it out in the open and let her know you love her, but your decision is YOURS and for your benefit alone and you don't really need her approval.  I'm sure that there are others who will be more than happy to support you and cheer you on.  OH friends are the best around.  Keep posting your thoughts and feelings and I'm sure the positive feedback will help you.

Much love and support, Alice

Maybe you can schedule a therapy session with the both of you and a bariatric therapist? If you don't think she'll be supportive and help you through this life changing event then I wouldn't tell her until afterwards when she notices you've lost weight. Sometimes it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. I still haven't told my father or sister because they're both very judgmental and I wasn't about to let them ruin my success. They live several states away and I only see them once or twice a year. Only my husband, daughter and one brother in my family know what I did (I have no immediate family where I currently live). My friends and co-workers know but they are so supportive that's all I need. Do you have medical issues that this surgery will improve or eliminate? I'd start by telling her how much this surgery will help (or helped) those. My family dr suggested the surgery when I became borderline diabetic on top of high blood pressure, high cholesterol and sleep apnea. Now all those issues are gone - eliminated and I feel better at 55 than I have in the past 20 years. I have a daughter and grandson I want to be around for a long long time for. Find the reasons you are doing this and let those be your motivators. Don't let ANYONE derail you or your success. You are doing this for you - not them! Being scared is part of the process but you will be a success if you truly want it and follow your plan! Good luck - we're here for you!!