Who Else Has Never Been a "Normal" Size and Can't Visualize It?

This has been on my mind lately, and I saw a couple of similar posts today, so I thought I'd see how many of us there are and see what advice those who have reached goal have for us, and what advice we have for each other.

I remember going to TOPS when I was in 6th grade, and I weight 197 (I think).  I wore a size 18 when I went to 4-H camp that summer.  I don't recall actually losing any weight until I was a senior in HS, and 165 was my absolute lowest.  By the time I finished college, I was back to around 200, which is the size I was when I got married (and is about my size right now).  That was 30 years ago, and during that time, I was mostly in the 250 range, and hit a high of 275.  My low was about 180 (for about 20 minutes!), thanks to Atkins. Hopefully, I've learned some lessons along the way!

So right now, I'm about the weight I was when I got married, and about 20 pounds from the lowest adult weight I've ever had -- and I still couldn't wear a misses size 18 pants!  I could wear a misses 14 or 16 top, but still only women's bottoms.  So I've never actually shopped in a misses section for a complete outfit, and I recall that I was completely overwhelmed by the choices available there.  

On the work front, I've always been successful.  But I think part of that was because I felt like since I was fat, I had to be smarter, work harder, etc. to be viewed the same as other people.  That paid off careerwise, to a point -- but I saw that there were no fat people in higher level positions where I worked then, and very few where I work now.  In my old position, I actually heard my boss on a conference call say that the CEO hated fat people (it was a health-related company), and the higher cost of heath care was all he apparently saw when dealing with someone overweight. (LOL -- I left there!).

But as I start to get closer to "normal", it is a little terrifying.  I can see how self-sabotage happens!  Luckily,  I haven't had any problems (now or in the past) with my friends treating me differently as I lost weight (except I could fit into their clothes).  

I am curious as to how a normal-sized me will be different, both at home and at work. 

Anyone else out there totally baffled by the idea of being "normal"?  Any vets who can help us navigate this new and totally unfamiliar path?

 

I'm not really freaked out as such, but that's totally me. I was in my very early teens the last time I was this weight. Shopping these days and taking something into a fitting room and then having to go get a smaller one is just trippy!

The thing I'm struggling with is "what is my personal style?"

As a plus sized person, I believe that ultimately our style is defined simply by what fits and doesn't look hideous. There's not much mor to it than that.

But now that I have choice, am I a girly girl, edgy design, slightly rock chick, boho.....I just don't know!!!

I definitely get treated better by people in stores, stared at by guys which is a nice change. And professionally, I do feel more confident, especially as I am currently facing redundancy and the prospect of having to interview for a new job seems less daunting because I know I look better now, so will be judged on my skills, not my size.

I actually brought some "next goal" jeans a week or so ago and I look at the waist of them and it blows my mind that Im not far off fitting in that tiny little waist.

It's all a completely crazy ride, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!

I feel ya...I was a 100-lb 9 year old, a 200-lb 13 year old and a 300-lb 18 year old, so I have no clue what it is to be small.  I too struggle with what I will look like once the weight starts coming off, and worry that I will always be fat in my head.  I am terrified of self-sabotage, because I've done it to myself before (weight-wise and otherwise) and I am scared of how I will be perceived, treated and otherwise dealt with because no one has ever known me to be "normal" sized.

im right there with you! The smallest i remember being was a size 12 in highschool, but i quickly gained after that. I was chubby in school (not quite fat) but after 9th grade i ballooned.

My story is different - I am a yo-yo-er.  I have only been thin for about 10% of the time in the last 20 years, though, so mostly fat...but some crash diets did work for me for a year or so.  But, I wanted to address the work thing you pointed out. 

In my experience, I was absolutely fired for getting fat. During one of my 'beautiful skinny' seasons, about 13 years ago, I got hired for a job that paid me triple then the previous job, and I believe it was because of my looks at the time.  But, then, a year and half into this great job, my food addiction, which I had been staving off, kicked-in in full force.  I went from a sexy blonde bombshell look - size 6 - to a size 14 or 16 in a matter of about 4 months.  Sadly, I had a bad hair episode where my lovely long hair got so damaged by a bad chemical that I had to cut it short like a boy's haircut ;-(  So here I was all of the sudden 'fat' (not that a size 16 is fat) and not 'sexy pretty' any longer.  It freaks people out to see someone gain weight so quickly, it truly does.  I got put on the list of those they were going to put in a major layoff (it was a huge mega company, but only 2 of us got fired in our division).  I know without a doubt that because I got fat, I got put on the lay-off list.  At my current job, I work from my home, across the country from the Headquarters.  They have not seen me in 2 years, but they are asking for me to visit for a regular meeting my group has.  Guess what? Two years ago I was at another one of my "low, pretty weights"....and with my food addiction, I have gained 120 lbs in these past two years that I have been away from my boss, co-workers and upper management team.  In their minds, I am the size 8 person they hired...not the size 20 I have become.  I am hoping and praying now with VSG I can put my work off until August this year (when they have their regular meetings), and lose a lot of the excess 120 lbs I have by then!  I am desperate to have them *not see me* fat like I am today...I know without a doubt it will hurt my career, and that my boss, co-workers, upper management team will INDEED think less of me -- based on how I was discriminated at that other job.  There is indeed fat discrimination in the work place, I have lived it first hand.

 

And, to answer you question about visualizing what it will be like...I cannot in my wildest imagination visualize what Maintainence will be like.  meaning, I have never been able to stay in a size 6 - 8 longer than 1 year. God Willing, it will be a miracle and lots of my hard work to maintain my goal weight for 3, 5, 7+ years...I am praying VSG will hep me this time.

I take my jeans out of the dryer and KNOW they are not mine. They look like jeans a normal person would wear.

I have been slim occasionally in my life.  I would always lost weight if I broke up with a lover and wanted to win them back. Plus, I was slim in high school, college, and until I started taking antidepressants.  However, even when I was slim, I felt fat, or some degree of body shame.  I too feel I was fired for being fat.  I worked in an environment where everyone was health conscious and the whole community hiked or biked.  

Today, when I get close to my pre-op goal weight, I binge.  I feel 'too light' even losing 5 pounds. I feel a lot more energy going through my body.  I am afraid that  I will start spinning with activity.  My  general anxiety rises to the surface when I don't use food to weigh me down, dull the anxiety,  keep myself grounded to overpower the anxiety.  In fact, I recalled this week that my mother was a very nervous person, always moving, doing something, making a list, and never in the moment.  

I can imagine being thinner.  I know we do what we do because we don't know what else to do, so I'm not going to whip myself for stopping my weight loss.   

I was a fat kid growing up in a skinny family. My parents were normal size and my two sisters were thin. They did their best..took me to doctors, a nut, weigh****chers, etc. I grew up as the second largest girl in my high school (thank Janette, you saved me from being the biggest). As an adult I crashed dieted to a size 16. It didnt last long...but I felt great then. I am 11 months out and have really worked "my plan". I have lost 198 lbs. I got to "goal" a couple of weeks ago and decided that I wanted to lose a little more... Make the Double Century Club. At 145 lbs (5'7) and a size 4, I know I have to be thin. My husband will take a quick photo of me before we go somewhere so I can see what I look like and it helps. I guess the point is... I never thought I would be "here". I still cant imagine it and I still have a hard time visualizing it. Maybe with some time my mind will catch up with my body. I feel a little lost because I was always been the fat girl.

Yup- last time I was "normal weight"  was in 7th grade...circa 1972.  It is hard to imagine me in another 110 lbs lost....but I sure look forward to the rest of the journey-

I think I was a normal weight in 1st grade.  My second year photo, I was quite heavy.  I went up and down a bit as a teen, but was never thin.  I went into the Air Force at 21, and managed to get down to the max weight I could be, which was 154 at 5' 8".  I didn't stay there long, and was always on the weight loss program, and even eventually got thrown out because of my weight. I just gained and gained from there. I'm 53 now.  Funny, I've always pictured myself as a healthy, athletic person, and I'm confused when I see myself in the mirror as I just don't see that being me.  I'm hoping that will be a good thing when I start to actually look like the image I have in my head of myself.