Fighting the self doubt - we are our own worst critics

I got a message this morning from someone who wanted me to share my latest blog entry - so I am going to copy it here for some Tuesday morning inspiration. This particular subject was about sports/athletic endeavors, but the idea is the same - I am my own worst critic and I have a lot of self-doubts about every part of this process - whether I can do this, ever get to goal, whether I'll ever be "good enough" etc. But, the one thing ive learned is that as long as I don't let those thoughts dictate my actions, I will be okay. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tinkered with triathlons for a minute last year, and did a mini one in Palm Springs a year ago, and trained for a while after that, until I got discouraged and gave up, and just took up cycling. Then I got discouraged, and took up running. And then before I could get discouraged with that, I just cut myself up(plastic surgery). I have a lot of self doubt when it comes to my athletic endeavors – coming from a 420 lbs blob will do the trick. I constantly have negative thoughts running through my head – I’m not good enough, I am not an athelete, I’m too big, I’m too slow, I’m making a fool out of myself. I do my best to push through those, but I have definitely not lived up to my full potential in the last year because I am afraid. I think I am more afraid of success than I am of failure at this point. What If I actually am an athlete, what if I can actually do this? Then Id be forced to cut those negative thoughts out – but they have been with me so long – it’s a scary though. I think this is why my 1/2 marathon was such a big deal to me – I had to really fight through a lot of those issues to get to the start line, let alone the finish. But that’s the thing about me – I am stronger than I want to believe. 

So, I wasnt sure I was ever going to actually join the TRI cult. But then my friend Jillian posted this great offer on a triathlon package – a triathlon bike, a wet suit, a tri suit (top and bottom), cycling shoes, race belt, helme****er bottle and cage, and some other things. The whole package was less than the value of the bike itself, so it was just a killer deal. I guess it was a sign. 

I had a tough decision to make though. I just spend a lot of ******g money on surgery, and really shouldn’t be making any other major purchases, but the one thing I had saved money for was a nice beach vacation for my 30th birthday in June. I wanted to be hot by the time i turned 30 and I wanted to CELEBRATE. It was going to be my time to be a hot drunk mess and live up the life I feel like ive missed out on. 

I made the decision to sacrifice that dream and buy a bike. It was a decision that killed me to make, but I thought about it non stop for 2 days, and I decided **** YOU NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. I WILL BE A TRIATHLETE. That is and has been a real dream of mine, and one that will be a much better investment for my life, for my health, and for my sanity. So, I bought it. As soon as I paid for it and scheduled my bike fit, and pick up… I started eating. And eating. The self doubt hit me like a ton of bricks immediately. 

I got over it in about an hour. Hello – dear SSB – you ran a damn half marathon. You can do a triathlon. You can swim, you can bike and you can run. So, back on track. Im sooo over that. Now, I am excited. I’m praying that my recovery will hurry up so I can get to work. I will do a half IM in 2014 – yes – a 70.3 mile adventure – it’s a 1,2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, followed by a 13.1 mile run. And now, I have the fun toys to begin. I have so many great friends who have been down this road and shown me that it’s possible, and this SSB is on a mission to slowly but surely start pushing those negative thoughts further and further away from the surface. 

So, this chapter begins. I’ll just have to hit the beaches here in my bikini and pretend to be on vacation (or pack my bikini in my tri bag and find a nice beach tri to do this summer). 

Inspirational and amazing as always!!

I

OK really OH keeps not letting me post the I *heart* you part!!

I think OH is cracking down on our love - it cuts all my hearts off!!

Blargh!

Back off, OH, I *heart* my SSB!! :)

There are 3 kinds of people who are going to be looking at you while you are out there training, and anyone who has has those doubts needs to keep this in mind (and I still go over it myself every time I start thinking "damn, I am slow" or "**** that 80 year old lady just passed me like I was standing still" (and yeah, that totally happened at my last race LOL). 1 - fellow athletes who are silently cheering you on, you GO girl! 2 - the admirers/dreamers - damn that chick looks good, wish I looked like that/could do what she is doing and 3 - the haters - who are going to hate no matter what your size, speed, endurance or abilities are so who the **** cares what they think anyway. You just need to keep YOUR pace and forget the rest, if you are doing it and finishing it, that's all that matters baby!

You have all you need to do this girlfriend, and I will be with you every.single.step of the way. We are going to finish that 70.3, and then a whole IronMan one day! I just know that we have it in us to follow every dream we have, look how far we have come already!

We are SUPERSTARS -

A lot of times I don't care so much what other people think - its my own brain that's judging me :)

But a few power songs and I can block out the chit chat!

I have been powering though the **** with some angry music, the more pissed off I am the faster I go, and if I play it really loud I don't have to listen to my inner whiner (who sounds so much like Veruca Salt LOL).

Wow - just wow!  You are one amazing woman, Alison!  I am now officially inspired by you - not necessarily towards athletics - but to do something (maybe grad school) I've always wanted to do.  Something hard but worth doing that I can be proud of! 

One thing's for sure, even though I don't know you and we've never met, I'm proud of you.  And when the going gets tough for me, I will ask myself "What would ACBBrown do?

My best to you,

Fiona