Going to war with the food demons

Thanks to my dear friend Ms Shell who constantly reminds me that this is a never ending battle - I am going to war with the food demons. 

 

For most of my life, I was the queen of emotional eating - I ate in response to every ******g emotion possible. And it wasnt just eating that was comforting - it was eating large quantities of junk that was comforting to me. When I saw myself dying at 420 lbs, I knew that this was going to be the battle I had to fight. I *knew* all about good nutrition, i *knew* how to lose weight - but  a lack of knowledge wasn't my issue. I needed to stop self medicating with food. 

So for the last 2.5 years, I have had to fight these demons. I had to identify my triggers, and make a plan to deal with it. For the most part, I have learned to deal with emotions instead of eating them away. However, I also know that when my stress meter maxes out, I may not have the energy to fight the demons, so I have a back up plan. 

The last couple weeks have been a little bit difficult for me emotionally - after extensive surgery, a lot of family drama in the midst of  what should have been a peaceful recovery, and weeks of boredom and anxiety, I found myself right in the middle of nothing but pure emotional eating. 

I have known exactly what I have been doing - because i am completely committed to tracking every bite, I am kind of forced to think about why i am eating every time i open MFP and log my food. Awareness is a concept that was missing for most of my life so I know that at least, I'm always going to be one step above "completely out of control". But for some reason, I just havent really cared. Ive just been grazing all day long. Ive been "justifying" it (aka making excuses) - oh it's all healthy stuff, oh, my body needs the protein, etc. While it might be true, this morning, it just hit me like a ton of bricks because Ive worked too damn hard to do this again. Ive browsed through my logs, and in reality, my intake hasnt been horrible, and its been almost all protein, but when I think about why I eat - its just simply because i'm bored and anxious. I hate this feeling, and at this point, its just contributing to my anxiety - causing me to be afraid that I might just lose control and not be able to climb back up. 

So I took some time this morning to force myself to refocus (ive been refusing to go to the grocery store until my head is back on straight). Instead of beating myself up for grazing and giving into the demons, I took the time to celebrate everything ive done right - because I dont bring junk food in my house, all I have had access to is healthy protein, ive controlled my portion size even if I eat too often, Ive tracked my food, and I havent burried my head in the sand. 

But, today, I am declaring war on these demons. I have come too far and spent too much money on my body to sit here and eat all day. I hate this feeling of giving into this emotional eating, so I have some work to do. Over the last 2.5 years, I have fallen and gotten back up more times than I can count, and this will be no exception. I am ready to tackle the grocery store to pick up my usual protein selections. I will make a plan every day for my food and snacks - the plan will include more frequent snacks than I mgight otherwise eat, but following a plan will leave me in control, not the demons. I will reach my damn goal if it takes everything I got. 

For the newbies....deal with these issues before surgery and early on. It only gets harder the further out you get, and it is and will be a life time struggle - there is no sleeve size that will prevent you from eating around your sleeve if you are battling with the demons. 

Thanks to everyone who has helped me and encouraged me over the last couple weeks. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but ive got so much support that I know I can do this. 

I am with you girlfriend, we can do this together! You know my number, call me, text me , whatever you need in the moment and we can support each other (day or night, since I don't ******g sleep anyway LOL). Love you and believe in you!

Im going to start texting you pictures of all the bright pink TRI suits i intend to get once I'm healed. I think I just need a pink wet suit to stuff my ass into :)

No joke, I plan on having the most neon colored suit I can find, I think it will ease my mind about getting in the water if they can spot me from SPACE if I have trouble LOL My trainer Erik (who is adorable, and makes it easy to show up for CrossFit) said it will help him keep track of me on the course, so I am validated in my choice  Maybe we can be twinsies (yeah, I am nerd, suck it LOL).

We could make headlines with our matching neon suits....I WILL do an ironmanif only just to do one with you in matching suits :)

HA HA, and we can have something obnoxious printed on the ass of them, we would rock it and everyone would want to be us! LOL

Wow, Thank you for posting this.

I also "know how to loose weight", but being over weight has been a protection for me, thus the emotional eating. As a newbie this is truly what we need to hear. We gotta FIGHT those food demons even now, so that we can succeed after wls. Thank you for sharing! :~)

You know I love you right???

Of course I do - it's mutual :)

Thanks for putting it all out there.  I'm sorry you've been surrounded family drama -- why is that family picks the worst time for drama?  Anyway, it sounds like you have named the demons and have developed a battle plan. 

As a newbie, I can say with certainty that I have not dealt with all of my issues -- I guess if I could have dealt with them some other way, I wouldn't be here right now -- and a part of me wonders if we ever really have dealt with them.  Based on previous experience (which I hope to have learned from), I expect that I will be battling food demons for the rest of my life.  I just hope that I have weapons now which will enable me to win, at least most of the time.

I have followed your journey for the few months I've been around, and I admire all you have accomplished and your willingness to help out those of us who are just beginning. 

I wish you all the best as you give those demons the beat down!