A little disappointed in myself

My friend at work is tired of me whining today soo...im just going to whine here for a little.

I'm 14 mo out today. In the last month, I managed to barely lose 2lbs. While i am glad that it's still 2 lbs down, I am disappointed in myself. I *thought* i was doing ok, but yesterday, I looked back at the last month of food logs, and realized I'm really wayyy off. I dont know how I manage to track every day and still convince myself there's no problem with my intake.  But...it's done and over with -new month.

I'm really only freaking out because I'm still too close to 200 for my comfort. I was 200 or 201 at the docs the other day, and I was pissed. But at the same time (and what's really holding me back) I dont feel like I need to lose any more weight - my face is getting really thin, my collar bones and back/shoulders are getting really boney (if thats a word) and I feel like under all this skin is a body that I'd be content with. Soooo ive just kind of slacked off. It's my own fault, but I'm just confused and not all that motivated right now.

Even though I'm irritated with myself and my WL for the last month, I feel great physically and mentally right now. I'm working out a lot, loving my body and what it allows me to do, and pursuing my goal of completing a half marathon (with lovely Ms Shell!!!) in October. My fitness goals are more important to me than weight loss at this point, so I shouldn't be whining...but I am.

I have 3 more months before the skin gets chopped off! It's going to be a long 3 months!

Thanks for letting me cry about nothing this morning!! 

I'm always here for you gurl. You keep it real all the time gurl and that is one of the reasons I love & admire you so much. We have a lot in common here, maybe not your love for exercise but I do my best in that dept. (hee hee)
When we go hiking together, I see how small you are. You tell me I am small but gurl, your shadow is the same size as mine except you are like 5 inches taller so even better!!!
It will be a long 3 months gurl, but it will get here and since you are one crazy sexy skinny b**** now, imagine later? I'm going to have to peel the men off you when we go out!!!
Love ya, you are beautiful!!!

Yes but im still flying the boeing while you have your litle crop duster wings :)


You are freaking tiny. I'm still rocking my size 14s haha. They could be your oversized PJs lol!!

Wait a minute....you are kicking WLS's ASS!!!! Don't even, not even for a moment feel bad. I've watched your posts over the past months....you are committed like a crazy person! You should be ridiculous proud of yourself!!! Just look where you came from... over 400 lbs!!!!!!! Are you kidding me....you are kicking butt and taking names!!! And a marathon...come on...no way could you have done that at 400 lbs!!! Feel great about yourself! YOU know exactly what you need to do, just do it. I know you can, I've watched...NOW GO KICK SOME BOOTY YOU SKINNY THING!!!!

Thanks. Im a little disappointed, i dont necessarily feel bad, but I do know that my motivation is still in high gear, so that's all that really matters. Just need to put it to good use!

Ya....I'm kinda pissed about trying to lose weight on my own, before the WLS....it's not going much of anywhere fast (big surprise!!) You are a very motivating person and I know you will do what you need to do to make this happen!!!

 I know a little how you feel. I am not post op but when I went a year and a half ago for the 6 month weight loss program (at the time I wasn't ever planning on surgery) I got to about 220 and thought I looked pretty great (especially in comparison).  I was even turning a few guys heads. Well, I was satisfied with that and then started eating "normal" again and put all the weight back on in a year plus 10 extra pounds. 

I am committed to it this time and posts like yours only help the mindset. Thanks for sharing. 

 II was in the same situation at the beginning of July.  I would normally lose 10-15 lbs a month, then inJuly BAM only 1 or 2 lbs by the middle of the month.  I was also too close to 200 for my comfort.  I was freaking out thinking - How can I NOT be losing at eating less than 600 calories, running, weight lifting, etc.

Also like you I have bones showing in my shoulder blades, collar bones, hips, knees.  I had to learn to listen to others and my body.  I hit 190 and declared goal.  I started upping my calories.  I went on a business trip and forgot about the scale while I was gone.

Wanna know what happened?  I dropped 8 lbs without thinking, went from 193 to 185.  Without trying, without exercising, with eating more.  WTF?

I think really a lot of times our minds defeat us.  During my weight loss every time I approached a milestone that had an emotional attachment I would stall or worse.  It never failed - dropping below 300, 25% EBW, 75% EBW, Getting below 200, Goal.  They all were accompanied by slow downs or stalls.

As hard as it is for personalities like ours, I am going to tell you to stop weighing, stop analyzing, stop being scared that you will never get there.

Impossible I know.  I often said they should be glad I didnt put load cells in my shoes.

But really, as soon as I gave my worries up - I got to where I wanted to be originally.

I don't think its self sabotage so much as self definition.  Before WLS surgery, I had my weight and my illnesses to define me.  During Weight loss I had that to define me.  How was I going to be defined after weight loss?  Who would I be?  What would I look like?  How do I define myself as "formerly fat".  I started coming to the realization that the period of my life defined by the scale and my waist line was over.  I had done this journey to get my life back, it was time to go out and live it.

It can be scary.  Maybe your mind is holding on to these last few pounds because you haven't figured out what comes next or who you'll be afterward.  You don't have to know all the answers, just try to enjoy the new you and all the things you can do now.  Enjoy your life, use your new tools to make the right food choices, the rest will follow.

I wish I could turn of the anxiety producing chemicals in my brain!!! Or just the disordered thoughts.

I feel like im stuck between being extremely proud/happy/satisfied with my results and extreme hatred of my body. I dont even know if its necessarily a scale issue, but its manifesting itself right there because I hate my body so much that im attributing it to being close to 200 lbs. In reality, I just need to get this skin off and re-assess from there but I have a feeling the next 3 months I'll just be torturing myself. I had hoped that therapy would be an option to help me get through the next couple months, but seeing as how I can only get an appointment ever 8 weeks, that idea isnt panning out. I know ive got the strength and will power and motivation to get through this, and focusing on my 1/2 marathon training will keep me sane. I just like to whine a little - makes me feel better :)

 When you feel you can't be proud of yourself, share in our pride for you.  I won't say proud of you, I have no right to that and don't know you well enough.

I will say that since day 1 on this board, you have been one of the sources of inspration and wisdom for me.  Your journey and success have influenced and enabled my own.  

You have even been a source of humor - I look forward to see what new way you are just going to put it out there.

As for hating your body.  I hear you.  Every day I have to look at a note on my bathroom mirror that DH left telling me that I am a beautiful person and he loves me.  I see that when I see the wrinkly sagging skin.

I try to remember a couple of things.  First that skin is proof of just how far I have come.  Its the evidence that I have done what few have, I have completely transformed myself.

The second thing I remember is that I am having it fixed.  I have 7 weeks to go until my LBL.  You had the strength to lose so much weight, to so turn your life around.  My god woman, you run half marathons!  You know the skin is coming off.  You know you will be at goal, or probably below, when it does.  When these dark thoughts start to creep into your head, try to hear all of that in your head.

You are an amazing, strong, smart woman.  You have no reason to hate anything about yourself.